heart so helpless
by closingdoors
Summary: AU. Lethal, hard-edged assassin Kate Beckett is hired to kill the handsome, best-selling author Richard Castle. But when everything's not as it should be, and feelings get muddled along the way, can she really think of him as just another paper target? Cover art by houghtonsbeckett. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**heart so helpless**

_I know I'm fooled, I can't help it_  
_ You make my heart so helpless_  
- Atlantis, Ellie Goulding

**Disclaimer: Still can't find anywhere on the internet to buy the rights to this show.**

* * *

Just like most of them are, he's a shadowy figure. The man's face is hidden by a hat despite the dim lighting of the shady bar, but she's not afraid of him. Even unarmed, she knows at least 9 ways to overpower him and kill him if he tries anything.

"I will pay whatever price you name," his voice is quiet but still carries a level of authority, "if you kill this man as soon as possible. Without suspicion, of course."

He slides a picture across the table. Her eyes are scanning the photo with practiced ease before she's even picked it up, eyes committing the figure to her memory. This target doesn't seem like the usual ones. He's tall, broad-shouldered with intense blue eyes and brown hair that flops in front of his eyes, giving him an air of immaturity. Usually her targets have some of the stereotypical signs of villainy; a scar or tattoos, for example.

But this man- Nothing.

"What's his name?" She asks without looking away from the photo.

"Richard Castle." The man replies hesitantly.

This time, she does look away from the photo and stares at the shadowed man. "As in the author?"

Now she really is confused as to why he's her latest target.

"Yes. As in the author."

Vaguely, she remembers that her Mom used to adore this guy. Each of her copies of the books were well-worn, notes scribbled on every page and she even had one signed.

She pushes that away and focuses on her next question, the man sat in front of her and the man in the photograph. "Why do you want him killed?" She asks curiously.

The man before her is silent for a moment, unmoving, until he reaches up and removes the hat from his head. This move reveals a long, jagged scar running from his temple to his upper lip, and she recognizes the move for what it is. He's trying to intimidate her. At that thought, she almost laughs, but she remains composed as she stares the guy down. He doesn't scare her. He's the one who's come to her for a murder he's too afraid to commit, after all.

"I don't believe that's any of your business." He supplies eventually.

"I think it is, considering I'm the one who's going to be killing him."

"I'd always heard you were the best, since you don't ask questions. I suppose the rumors were wrong."

She bristles at that, sitting up straight and narrowing her eyes at the man. "Any price I name?" She repeats his earlier words in a question.

The man nods. "Will you do it?"

Kate looks back down at the photo she holds in her hands. This man is innocent. This man hasn't done anything. Her targets have usually done something wrong, perhaps even taken a life themselves, and they deserve some form of punishment. But this guy? No. There's never been anything on her radar for him, no price on his head, he's never been wanted by dozens.

"I'll do it." She finally answers, wondering when it was that she'd lost all her morals. "But my price is high."

The man before her is already nodding his head vigorously. "Yes, yes, of course."

"And I get paid up front."

The man obviously hasn't heard of these terms before, because he hesitates. "All of it?" He asks meekly.

Kate nods. "All of it."

* * *

Kate emerges from the bar ridiculously richer than she was beforehand, photo of Richard Castle in hand.

"Uh, how will I find you if I need to?" The man asks as she begins to walk away.

Kate smirks. "You don't find me, Mr Smith, I find you." She replies carelessly over her shoulder, before disappearing into the shadows of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**heart so helpless**

**A/N: I'm blown away regarding the response to this fanfiction. Thank you all so much. I hope that I do this story (and the characters) justice.**

* * *

Richard Castle has never really liked these parties his publicist sends him to. His Mother always jokes about eagerly accepting his place, but he honestly doesn't see the appeal. Sure, the attention can be nice, and he's not complaining about the amount of women that usually hit on him, but they're always the _same. _And it's rather degrading, actually, now that he thinks about it. Like he's selling his body for his books.

Yet when he catches sight of one of _the most_ hottest women he's ever seen across the room, he has never been so grateful for Paula sending him to one of these parties.

He briefly looks around to check that there's no date hanging around her, but her smoky hazel eyes remained fixed on him, like a siren calling him in as she takes a smooth drink of her wine, tilting her head back more than necessary and exposing her lovely neck to him.

_Woah._

Castle drinks her in, those ridiculously long legs exposed by the short hemline of her skin tight emerald dress, clashing with her cream skin. Then his eyes drag up to the exposed skin of her collarbones (since when were collarbones so hot?), settle briefly on the lovely line of her neck before memorizing the sharp line of her jaw; the angles of her cheekbones; the pink of her lips that are practically _begging _to meet with his own.

And to top it off, her hair curls around her face and seems to move with a life of it's own, and he can't help but think she's the most alluring creature he's ever seen.

Yet- There's something _there._ Something beyond just sensuality and the lust-filled gaze she's directing right at him. Something mysterious that cloaks her even though she doesn't seem to realize it.

Not one to ever resist a beautiful woman nor a mystery, he sets his drink back down on the bar and crosses the room while trying to appear nonchalant. After all, he has a reputation to uphold, and isn't that exactly why he's here in the first place?

The woman smiles to herself and, for the first time, looks away to set her own glass down on the table she's sat at. He's distracted briefly when the mayor tries to hook him into conversation, but he escapes from that quickly and finds that the woman has turned her gaze back to him, glancing up at him from under her eyelashes. He almost finds himself in a puddle from that heated look alone.

But he slides up to her table smoothly, seating himself behind her on the couch-style seat. She seems surprised by how forward he is, but her eyes widen for only a brief moment before she composes herself.

"Hey," he says in the low voice he knows women usually love. "I've not seen you at one of these before. You with someone?"

The woman grins behind her next sip of wine, regarding him with amusement. "Smooth." She comments dryly.

Oh. So that's how it is, is it?

Castle raises one eyebrow at her as he settles back in the seat, raising one arm to lay across the sofa, brushing the curls of hair. "You've got to help me out a little, then. What's your name?"

The woman tosses her curls over one shoulder and turns to him with a wicked grin, hand landing on his thigh and causing him to jump. Okay, so this woman puts him way off his game, but she seems to be the queen of flirtation.

"My name's Kate. Though I don't have to ask what your name is, of course, Richard Castle." She laughs throatily around his name.

His chest puffs with pride at the fact she knows who he is. Though he can't quite figure out if she knows who he is because of his playboy reputation or if it's because she's actually read one of his books. It's not as though she doesn't seem smart- she's definitely different to the blondes that usually try it on with him and most definitely haven't ever read his books- but there's that cloak of mystery shrouding her, and he can't quite figure anything out about her.

"A fan, huh?" He asks, letting one of his hands fall to her thigh, holding back a groan at the feel of her smooth skin.

The woman- Kate- eyes his hand for a moment and then relaxes, shoulder pressing into his arm as she giggles pseudo-shyly. "Maybe."

Her own nimble hand falls to his thigh, traces patterns with her nails as she grins at him. Castle fights for breath as her fingers trace just a little too high up his thigh than is acceptable in public.

"Hot in here." He comments, letting his own hand trail up her thigh (she has glorious legs), stopping only once his hand meets the short hemline of her dress.

Kate hums in approval, and she is so close to him now, he can smell cherries heavy in the air as her hair brushes his jaw, lips grazing across his neck. "Know somewhere we could be… private?"

Well, she's eager, but knows exactly what she wants. He can't believe his luck, but he's not exactly doing to deny this beautiful woman.

Without answering her, he links their hands together and pulls her from the couch. He tugs her through crowds of people, weaving and ducking, trying to avoid the glare of Paula that he knows he'll receive because he's only been here all of _fifteen minutes _and he's already running off a beautiful woman. Typical.

Castle turns to face Kate behind him to joke about it, but finds that she's hidden herself behind all of that hair she has, eyes trained on the floor as she follows him. That's… strange. But he doesn't comment, instead leads them out of the back door and into the alley, startled by the cold air that hits his face and raises goosebumps on his arms.

But Kate is right there, smoothing her hands across his shoulder blades and pressing her body flush against his, nipping his chin playfully. "An alley, Mr Castle? How… dirty." She laughs, but tugs him towards her, back hitting the damp wall and hazel eyes shining brightly, even in the shadows of the alley.

His mouth opens to explain that he was going to call his car service, but then her tongue is _in his mouth_ and she's hoisting herself up _onto his body _and all coherent thought leaves his mind.

He groans into her kiss, hands trailing up her legs, up, up, up until his fingers sneak beneath the skirt of her dress and she gasps, fingers twisting in his hair tightly.

"Castle." She breathes into his mouth, and he nips on her bottom lip before diverting his attention to her neck.

He's vaguely aware of a pain at the back of his head, but then everything is black.


	3. Chapter 3

**heart so helpless  
**

**I really am in awe over the response to this fanfiction. Thank you all so much.  
**

* * *

This isn't how it normally goes for her; something about him is different.

Of course, she normally does the whole short, tight dress and _come to bed _eyes, seduces them into a nice, quiet spot and then strikes when they're alone.

But with this guy- it's different.

She had liked his heated gaze on her body; felt her blood sing when he touched her, and instead of killing him straight away she'd let him kiss her, touch her in ways she hadn't been touched in so long.

Kate drops the heavy rock she'd used to knock him out, staring at his slumped form on the floor. Without checking, she knows he'll be fine, will wake soon and probably only suffer with a mild concussion. But that's not what's supposed to happen, is it? She's supposed to kill him. He's just another paper target.

She reaches down into her bra and pulls out the switchblade she had hidden there before the party. It feels cool and right in her hands as it always does- her weapon of choice, actually- but every time she thinks about rolling Castle over and driving the blade through his heart, her stomach lurches in protest. But _why?_

Kneeling before him, she brushes the hair that falls in front of his eyes away from his face and studies the careful immaturity that lurks there. What on Earth is it about this man that is so different to the others? She thinks it might be the fact that he's not _done_ anything. And she's not quite sure when she's ever let ethical reasons get in the way of her job, but this time, for some reason, it matters to her.

It has absolutely _nothing _to do with the fact her Mom adored this guy.

With a sigh, Kate shoves her switchblade back into her bra and tucks her arms beneath Castle's armpits, tugging him upwards and dragging him along the dirty alley.

She's not going to let him get away from her, but she's not quite ready to end his life yet, either.

* * *

When Castle comes around, there's a strange taste in his mouth and a thumping at the back of his mind, heavy eyelids fighting to open. What the hell?

The woman from before- What was her name? Kate?- stands before him, looking completely different to how once did. She's lost the emerald dress, instead wears a casual pair of jeans and a jacket; the kind of clothes a woman wants to wear when she's trying to hide herself in a crowd. Her hair's pulled back, too, exposing the suddenly sharp lines of her cheekbones that look far too harsh in this dim lighting. She looks hidden but severe. Kind of scary now that he thinks about it, actually.

Although he already expects it, the twist of his hands confirms to him that he is, indeed, tied to a wooden chair. So very cliché. His still sleepy eyes sweep the room quickly, but he can't make out much. The room is full of shadows save for one yellow bulb hanging limply from the ceiling, casting a spotlight over the pair of them.

"Mr Castle." Kate says, far too casually for someone who's holding a hostage.

Castle swallows nervously, trying to calm his steadily racing heartbeat. "What do you want with me?"

If he could, he would slap himself for the lame question, and instead opts for sighing under his breath in hopes she won't notice. Seriously? _What do you want with me?_ How many times has he written this kind of scene in one of his books? He really should be able to come up with a better line than that. Something threatening, intimidating. Show he's not an easy target. Then again, he's already shown that he's an easy target with the way she managed to lure him out of that party filled to the brim of uncaring people and knocked him out.

Kate shifts her weight from one foot to another, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket, eyes sizing him up differently than before. Her eyes settle for too long on places he knows- he honestly does research for his books- she can kill him instantly. Shame. He misses the hungry look in those gorgeous eyes from earlier.

_Snap out of it, she's holding you hostage._

"If it's money you want, you can have it. Any price you name."

Kate smirks sardonically. "It's not your money I want, Mr Castle."

Well, that's… What else could she possibly want him for? His mind searches for something he's done recently to warrant someone wanting to kidnap him (well, actually, why would anyone want to do that anyway?) but comes up with nothing. Unless she's a super stalker? Perhaps he's risen that high in fame that he gets those now.

Except that doesn't quite match. That look in her eyes, it's not crazy. It's lethal, calculated, and professional. Her movements aren't erratic, either, and she's perfectly calm. Doesn't bat an eyelid. No, she's far too well-trained to simply be a woman with slightly _too much _of a crush on him. Though, to be honest, he really wouldn't mind if that were the case. He's still holding onto the memory of her tongue battling with his, hands roaming through his hair as she slips one leg up and over his hip.

"Look," he says, "If this is someone's idea of a trick, very funny. But please let me go now. I don't know where I am, my publicist will probably wonder I am, and then call my daughter. And I don't want her to worry. So, can we just… Stop this? Please?"

Something changes in her eyes, causes her to stand upright instead of the casual stance that she had adopted. He can't tell what it is until she speaks again.

"You have a daughter?" Kate asks, though it doesn't sound like a question he's invited to answer. The way she says it is surprising, so quietly and curiously, as though she daren't believe it, staring at him with wider eyes than beforehand.

Castle nods enthusiastically. "And, look, she's all I've got and I'm all she's got, so this isn't the kind of shock I want to give her. I always tell her where I am, you know? She's only 17. C'mon, let a guy off the hook."

Kate takes a hesitant step towards him, hands falling from the pockets of her hoodie, twitching now. Her eyes are locked on to his and he can tell that she doesn't quite believe him by the way she keeps staring for confirmation. Clearly, she's not a fan like she originally thought that she was. Boy, is he wrong sometimes.

"This isn't a trick, is it?" Castle asks slowly in defeat, feeling a sense of nausea creeping up on him that he doesn't have the heart to attempt to shake.

"Castle," Kate steps towards him once again, and there's something less cold on her face now, and he really cannot figure out what's going on. At all. What reason would anyone ever have to steal him away for any reason other than his money or being a seriously deranged fan? "Do you have any idea why anyone would want to hurt you in any way?"

Castle startles, surprised. There's something- desperate, in her voice. And she calls him Castle. Nobody calls him Castle. It's kinda hot, though.

Focus, Castle.

"No, no, I don't know why- Are you going to hurt me, Kate? Because you look like you weigh 100 pounds of nothing and-"

His ramblings earn him a sharp twist of his ear, which he yelps at and arches his back, causing the chair to rock dangerously close to falling over. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. For, whatever."

Kate releases his ear but she's suddenly inches away from his face, and despite the adrenaline bursting through his veins to hide the fear, he has the strangest urge to kiss away the diluted desperation on her face.

"Trust me, I could kill you in an instant." She hisses, and his heart only pounds louder in his ears. "Now tell me, Castle, do you have _any _idea? Any at all?"

"I just told you _I don't know._" He grinds out. "Now are you here to hurt me? Because please stop dragging it out and get it over with."

It's the wrong thing to say again, apparently, because Kate practically growls and lurches away from him, half out of the spotlight now. She's still staring at him with curiosity, though. Despite her face being hidden in the shadows, he can make out the shine of her hazel eyes, dimmed brightness lying in their depths. Something bad- something really, really bad- is going on here. And he can't figure out how this beautiful woman is involved with any of it at all.

"Are you… Have you been ordered to hurt me?" He asks, stunned.

Kate scowls at him. "Nobody orders me to do anything." She snaps, shuffling back into the spotlight again. "I chose to take on this job."

"What job?"

Kate's still scowling at him. "What job do you think that is, Castle?"

"Honestly, I have absolutely no idea. One minute you're all _come to bed_ eyes and shoving your tongue down my mouth," she flushes at that, "and the next you've tied me to a chair in a stereotypically dark room but don't want my money. So, no, I have no idea what job it is."

Her hands curl into fists by her sides, flexing slowly. And then suddenly she's lunging forward and he closes his eyes because _shit_ he does not want to see the moment death arrives for him.

But there's… no pain. There's a tugging on his wrists and he can feel her breath fanning over the back of his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

And then his hands are loose and she's shoving him from the chair, pulling a blindfold over his eyes and tugging him along by one arm as he stumbles behind her, protesting.

"Hey! What are you doing? Kate? Where are you taking me? Kate?"

He wonders if that's even her real name.

There's a blast of cold air on his face and he freezes, but she pulls him along further, and he follows her around every turn and down every road because he honestly doesn't feel as though he has any other choice. Besides, this is slightly more appealing than the claustrophobic room and being tied to a chair.

Kate whips the blindfold from his eyes and he finds himself standing in an ill-lit, dodgy looking street, alone with her.

"Go."

He stands and stares at her in disbelief.

"Go, Castle. Go. You never saw, me, okay? This never happened."

She's letting him _go?_

He takes a step backwards, but some part of him wants him to stay. For her. Which is ridiculous. But he wants to know more about her, about this job, why she's letting him go. He wants to know how one minute she's ridiculously sexy and mysterious and the next dangerous and cold. He wants to know how her mouth tastes again; he wants to smell that distinct scent of cherries lingering in the air; he wants to feel the softness of her skin beneath his fingertips. Most of all he wants to know why she's doing all of this in the first place. Such a beautiful, and rather intelligent, woman. Why is she doing this sort of thing? She doesn't look rough, she doesn't-

"_Go, _before I change my mind." She hisses, breaking through his thoughts.

He goes, runs in the opposite from her despite having no idea where he is, only allowing himself to look over his shoulder once to see her staring right back at him, a shadowed figure alone beneath the half-light of the broken streetlamp.


	4. Chapter 4

**heart so helpless  
**

**Happy New Year everyone! Your reviews still make me grin like an idiot. Thank you.  
**

* * *

"Crap."

Oh, crap. What has she done? Why has she let him go?

"Stupid, _stupid _idiot, Kate." She growls.

She knows it's not too late to catch up with him. He's only just disappeared around the corner and, judging by the look on his face, he has absolutely no idea where he is. She knows these streets well, and he's still groggy from being knocked out that it wouldn't take much to knock him out again. To kill him like she's supposed to.

But he has a _daughter._

_She's all I've got and I'm all she's got._

Kate runs her trembling hands through her hair, jaw clenched as her fingers tighten and tug so that is hurts. Dammit. What is she doing?

It's just- It's so much like- She just _can't _do it.

She can't take a parent away from their child, not when they're so dependent on each other.

Her fingers find the ring she wears on the chain, brushes across the small metal that she raises to her lips, closing her eyes and sighing. It's too-too close.

Too close to her and her murdered mom and her drunken dad-

_Stop it, Kate._

She turns away and hurries back through the dirtied alleys that had led her here. Her hands are itching for blood, his blood, but her heart is ruling her head and that's not okay, that's never okay, because the last time that happened-

"Dammit!" She cries, kicking the trashcan beside her and sending garbage everywhere, and her voice echoes through the dark streets.

Kate squeezes the bridge of her nose with two fingers, taking in one large, deep breath to steady her emotions and her escalating heart rate. She can feel her pulse throbbing in her fingers and she clenches her jaw, so angry with herself for letting some damn _stranger_ get to her like this. This isn't what she does. This isn't her at all. Maybe once it was, letting the victim get to her- But not anymore. She doesn't have any space left in her heart for compassion.

When she opens her eyes, her car is before her, and her eyes settle on the hefty sum of cash in the large non-descript duffel bag. She has that money for this job. She got this job because of her reputation. Kate can't let her reputation that she's worked _so hard_ to build crumble all because of the fact some guy is a single parent.

Idly, she wonders how many other of her targets have children that she didn't know about. Has she lead them on a path to destruction? Has she lead them on the same path she was forced to take?

But she has a reputation to uphold. She needs this job.

So impulsively, Kate slides back into her car and speeds away, determined to forget and kill.

* * *

When Castle gets home, he's exhausted, drained and weary to his bones. Alexis is already asleep- he's not surprised, considering the time he managed to figure out where the hell he was and get a taxi back was a couple hours at least- and he's fairly certain his mother is out. Otherwise she'd be in the kitchen area with a glass of wine, grinning over the rim and asking him how the party was.

Instead of crawling into his bed, he finds himself climbing the stairs to Alexis' room. The girl sleeps peacefully, blissfully unaware of the trauma he's recently been through and still having a little trouble processing.

But it isn't enough. He just needs to be close to his little girl.

Well, she's not so little anymore. 17. She'll be off to college soon, leaving him on his own. He's not quite sure how he's going to deal with that. Being alone.

As quietly as possible, Castle crosses the room until he's close enough to check that she's still breathing, chest rising and falling slowly, skin still unmarred without bruises or any other damage. The thought seizes his heart and he reaches out, presses one hand to her soft cheek.

If someone wants him dead, do they want to harm her too?

Well, he'll never allow it. Ever. Whoever wants him dead can't even dare _think _about harming Alexis.

Beneath his touch, the young girl stirs, blue eyes falling open sleepily to stare at him with a frown. "Dad?" She mumbles, voice laced with sleep.

"Sorry, pumpkin, go back to sleep." He tells her quietly, crouching down and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Alexis sniffs and smiles slightly, and within moments she's asleep again.

Castle leaves then, not before checking that her windows are locked, closing the door behind him quietly. He then precedes to make sure that all the windows and doors of the loft are locked, heart heavy at the thought of anyone trying to get to Alexis.

He attempts sleep. Lies sprawled out on his bed staring up at the ceiling, wide awake. But it doesn't work. Nothing works. He's on red alert, jumping at every creak in the loft and ready to protect Alexis no matter the cost. Because something is going on, someone wants him dead for no reason whatsoever, and despite the fact he's still alive that doesn't mean they're not going to try again.

Besides, every time he closes his eyes, smoky hazel ones appear in his mind.

He can't have that. He can't allow himself to- to what? Be attracted to some sexy yet extremely dangerous woman who held him hostage? How is that even possible?

It's just the look on her face when he mentioned Alexis had caught his eye. That mask had slipped, albeit briefly, and he'd seen a flicker of compassion. Soft eyes. Regret in the twist of her lips.

And that mysterious cloak she wore without realizing. He was just itching to know everything, and it was probably the writer within him but he knew that there's a story there. If there's one thing he's learned throughout life, it's that there's always a story. No matter how small or how large, no matter how simple or complex, there is always a story.

A story.

So that's what he does.

He creates _her _story. It's probably all wild theories of course- CIA? FBI? Ninja assassin?- but it's something. And it keeps his mind active whilst satisfying the writer within him that had been burning through his veins to leak out since the moment he laid eyes on her.

It's not until he's standing before his interactive screen taking a break does he realize he's making out as though it's a novel for him to write.

_Nikki Heat._ That's her name in his story. Because _Kate _had a nice, strong ring to it and it's the only thing close enough that doesn't give away her true name. And _Heat _because, well, she was just like fire. She was dangerous.

She was addictive.

Beside the name he has basic character profiling, and he's already written her backstory. An FBI agent who has been sent to warn him off his next book, the murders are being used by a copycat killer that they've kept quiet (_oh, _how exciting it would be to have a copycat). She's just meant to threaten him, scare the absolute crap out of him until she manages to catch the real killer.

The rest of the night he spends writing for her, quenching his thirst quite considerably even though his body is all but begging him to stop and sleep.

But he can't stop writing, it's addictive, just as she already is.

"It was always the same for her when she arrived to meet the body…"

* * *

The next morning, Kate ignores the 3 missed calls on her phone from her Dad- probably just drunk talk about how he's definitely going to get sober this time- showers obscenely quickly to rid the itching feeling on her skin and moves onto her weapons.

This is it. Today is the day to kill Richard Castle. Whether she likes it or not.

Using her switchblade is out of the question, of course. There's no way she can get close enough to him without him seeing her and bolting.

Something long-range, then.

Even as she picks up the sniper rifle and feels the cool, reassuring power of the rifle, the scar on her chest burns brightly. She shuts her eyes against the pain, grits her teeth when she feels the tears start forming. _It's all psychosomatic, Kate,_ she reminds herself. It has to be. The scar from the bullet hasn't burned for so long, now. Over a year.

Without giving herself even more chance to dwell on it, Kate swipes the tears from her eyes and straps the rifle to her back.

Briefly, her hands settle on her old Glock, feeling a sentimental twist in her heart. For a certainly crazy moment, she feels her fingers reaching for it, wishing to use her trusted weapon.

But no. She hasn't used this since… A very long time ago.

Kate turns her back and walks away. She has no time for sentiment anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**heart so helpless  
**

**I hadn't mentioned beforehand because I couldn't find the link again, but luckily half0utloud on youtube made a (really awesome) video based on the same photoset and I found the link that way, but this photoset is where I was originally inspired for the basis of this fanfiction: www . mulderly . tumblr/ post/ 37733678737**

* * *

"Morning, pumpkin." Castle greets his daughter as she bounds down the stairs happily, still blissfully unaware of whatever danger may or may not be ahead of them.

"Hey, Dad." Alexis greets, grinning at him as she rummages through her school bag. "I'm going around to Paige's after school for study, is that okay?"

Castle hesitates. _Is _that okay? If he had it his way, she wouldn't even be going to school at all. However he's never been able to convince her to take a day off of school, even when she's been ill, and doesn't think that he could even do so now without raising suspicion about what happened to him. Though he and Alexis have a strong bond, and he's never been anything but honest with her, he's fairly certain that this is something he should keep to himself. No need to worry her. After all, Alexis will only want him to contact the police and report this woman, and he doesn't want to do that. Kate let him go. She's spared his life. At least for now, anyway.

Besides, Kate's not the one behind this. Kate's been hired. He needs to figure out who's behind this; or why anyone wants to kill him at all, really.

"Sure." He says, and winces at how strained his voice sounds. Alexis must hear it too, because her head pops out from her school bag to stare at him quizzically.

"Is everything okay, Dad?" Alexis asks, walking towards the island of the kitchen where he stands making himself a mug of coffee.

"Oh, everything's fine, sweetie." He assures her, looking away to the mug of his coffee because he's always been useless at eye contact when lying.

Alexis laughs, and he freezes, confused.

"You're writing again, aren't you?"

Castle frowns, looking up at his daughter- how is she so… smart? Sometimes he's extremely confused about how they're even related. It's not that he's dumb, he's just not overly smart, and neither is her mother, nor is anything else in their family. This intelligence of hers seems to have sprung out of nowhere, it seems.

"Uh- I- Yes?" He eventually manages to stammer, not quite sure why he's so afraid to admit that.

It's probably to do with the fact that he's found his inspiration from a woman who was hired to kill him.

Alexis grins enthusiastically. "That's _great, _Dad. You know how worried Grams and I have been since you killed of Derrick Storm."

"Yeah, worried enough to spill to Gina." He grumbles despite his reluctance to talk about this subject.

His daughter shrugs, amused smile not leaving. "You know what Grams is like." She says, then presses up on her toes to kiss his cheek. "Get some sleep, Dad. Writing can wait now you've finally got an idea."

Castle closes his eyes, savours the feel of his daughters kiss on his cheek, the love in the normalcy of the situation. Wonders whether this will ever be the same again. If anyone else is going to come after him. Or if they'll leave him alone. Even if they do, will there ever be a day when he's okay to let his daughter walk out of the door, certain she'll return home? Because he's not quite sure that day will ever happen again. His life has changed drastically in just a matter of hours, and he doesn't understand why.

"Bye, sweetie." He replies, watching her disappear out of the front door with a flash of red hair.

Castle slumps against the island, suddenly exhausted and alone.

* * *

Surprisingly, his address isn't all too hard to find. He's a bestselling author, but he's pretty low-profile, and she'd figured it be hard to find it. However a few internet searches and sifting through some fan sites and she's found it almost immediately. This is probably the easiest she's ever found a targets address.

Kate parks her car two blocks away, pulls apart the rifle whilst glancing around her uneasily. She shoves the parts of the rifle into a non-descript backpack and slings it on, shoving her hoodie over her head as well as large sunglasses. Sometimes she finds it rather terrifying how easy it is to blend into the streets of New York. Makes her wonder how many others hide in the crowds.

Not that it's her job anymore. She's one of them now.

Kate swallows the bile down and walks the two blocks to his building, pulls the marker from her hoodie pocket and discreetly tapes it to a nearby pole to gauge the wind. Before attracting too much attention, she turns away and walks in the opposite direction, eyeing the building opposite to Castle's.

It's not all too hard to reach the roof of the building. A stairwell on the side of the building leads her straight there, as well as a ladder, though her scar itches and pulls with every step she takes.

Once there, she pulls out her binoculars to find which window leads to Castle's loft. It's not too hard to find which one it is. Probably lushly furnished, showing off how rich the man is from a dozen bestsellers.

It's not all too hard. She can tell immediately, and turns to the window beside that, strains her eyes but sees Castle and a young redhead talking over a kitchen island.

Kate's heart thumps in her heart, choking her as she's seized momentarily with a bout of sentiment. She studies the young girl. Castle had mentioned she's 17, but she looks much younger than that. Innocent. Not world-weary yet. She's not been exposed to real life, Kate assumes, and she supposes Castle's been able to keep it that way due to his money. Perhaps there are perks to having so much money, besides the comfortable lifestyle and never wondering where the next meal would come from.

So Kate pieces the sniper rifle back together from the backpack, scrapes her hair back into a ponytail and holds the large sniper in her arms, tries to adjust to the feel of the cool gun in her hands as she glances back at her wind marker.

_It's a hunk of steel. It has no magical powers,_ she reminds herself, words Esposito had once told her when she'd been going through her PTSD.

Kate shuts her eyes as she lifts the rifle, head bent. Opens her eyes to look through the scope and sees just an everyday, domestic scene happening just before her. The young redhead presses a kiss to Castle's cheek before turning away, and it isn't too long before Castle slumps down on the island.

That's his daughter.

The look on his face, the way he'd watched her leave- like it pained him- it was as though he _knew _it was going to be the last time he'd see his daughter.

Looking closer at him now, she realizes he probably hasn't slept. There are bags under his eyes, his hands shake and she can see the way he's perfectly holding himself together, as though he's moments away from collapsing. Strange. She'd thought he'd be able to sleep. Admittedly, she'd only managed to catch a few hours of sleep herself. Though they were broken by nightmares, strange visions of his blood on her hands as she bends over his body, weeping and begging for help despite the fact that no-one else is there to help her, just like nobody ever was.

Kate closes her eyes and shakes the stupid nightmare away. This is the time. She's never had such a clean shot. She just has to brace her shoulder and pull the trigger, and one bullet through his brain will end his life. He won't feel a thing.

His daughter will.

His daughter will come and find her Dad slumped dead in the kitchen, in the same place he was before she left for school.

His daughter will feel emptiness. She'll always feel grief lurking in every crevice of her heart.

His daughter will want revenge, because who doesn't? Kate did. Kate had wanted that. And she's never quite got that, but she's so _close _now, so close to retribution and that's why she needs this job. She _needs _it.

But his _daughter._

She can't do to someone else what had been done to her when her Mom was taken from her so many years ago. How many years has it been now, thirteen? And that aching emptiness is always there, revenge left unfulfilled.

How is she supposed to do that to someone else?

* * *

"Excuse me?"

"I won't do it." Kate says bravely as she stands on the roof of the building, phone pressed to her ear, rifle in the other hand. "I don't see what this man has done."

"Your job isn't to decide who or not deserves death, Miss Beckett. It's to kill him with no questions asked."

"Take the money back if you want, but I'm not doing it until you tell me what this man has possibly done that is so bad." Kate argues hotly, glancing away from the window of Castle's loft to the heavy weight of the rifle in her arms. "I don't need to take orders from you, Mr Smith."

"You know, Montgomery always said you were the best detective he'd ever trained." Mr Smith says smugly. "Why don't you figure it out yourself?"

The words send a chill down her spine, leave her floundering for words for a moment as she feels all the air escape her lungs. How _dare _he.

"Well it looks like Richard Castle is staying alive for now, then." She hisses, shoving the rifle onto the floor. "Your loss."

Mr Smith chuckles. "Oh, Miss Beckett. You think I can't hire someone else? You think I can't do it myself?" He doesn't wait for her to answer, "I just don't like to get my hands dirty. The cops always find a trail somehow. Though you'd know that, of course."

A monotone ringing shows Kate that he's hung up.

Kate swallows the panic down in her chest, but it doesn't quite work, and she feels it bubbling beneath her skin as she stares at the phone. Oh, God. She'd largely underestimated this guy. And now she's gone and landed Castle in tons more trouble than he had originally been in.

If she'd just taken the damn _shot._

She pulls the rifle apart with trembling hands, shoving it back into the backpack hastily and practically flying down the stairwell. Her mind is racing, possibilities of what these men are going to do to an innocent Castle flashing before her eyes- she already feels the sticky texture of his blood on his hands, mingling with her tears that she doesn't understand, but doesn't bother wiping them away this time.

This is not going the way it should do at all.

* * *

At the sound of knocking on his door, Castle figures it's probably his Mother on her way back from another drunken night out, forces a smile to his face and is ready with a witty remark when he opens the door.

But it's not his Mother- It's Kate.

"I… Kate?"

Kate doesn't hesitate, pushes past him into his loft and turns to him with a fierce glint in her green eyes.

"You need to come with me. You're in danger."


	6. Chapter 6

**heart so helpless  
**

**Funny story: I was talking to my Dad about this fanfiction when I was writing out the sniper scene in the last chapter, and because I'd mentioned it was AU, he wondered why Kate couldn't just be a vampire who could drink his blood. I don't think he's quite grasped the concept of an AU yet. Or good story telling.  
**

* * *

They're silent for a moment, Castle blinking rapidly at the woman before him as she keeps her eyes firmly on him, unrelenting.

"Excuse me?" Castle splutters eventually, taking a step towards her. "You expect me to come with _you?"_

Kate rolls her eyes at him and takes a step away away from him. "Come _on, _Castle. We're on a time limit here, for all I know they could be coming for you any second. You need to grab some clothes and anything else you're gonna want for about a week."

"A week?!" Castle cries, but Kate ignores the outburst and moves confidently through the loft towards his bedroom. Honestly, Castle doesn't even have the brain power to ask how the Hell it is she knows where his bedroom is.

"Well, I'm assuming a week minimum, actually. It shouldn't take too long to get this guy, but I just need you to hide for a bit so that-"

Castle cuts off her ramblings by storming up behind her and swiftly grabbing her arm. It's the wrong move. One moment he's angry and has her arm in his grip, beginning to pull her around to demand an explanation, and the next thing he knows the world is swirling dangerously sickly around him and he's on his back, both arms pinned above his head and her knee pressed to his chest.

His eyes stray involuntarily to her heaving chest, but he drags them away quickly, meeting her furious gaze.

"Don't try and overpower me, Castle." She spits, unmoving.

Castle groans, head thumping back on the wooden floor as he uselessly wiggles his wrists. There's no point. Despite the reasonable weight and height differences between them, she's much more knowledge on self-defense and she's much more agile. No way that he can ever escape from her grip without her permission.

"Dammit. I want an explanation from you." He growls at her, lifting his head slightly to try and regain some form of control in the situation.

"From _me? _Castle, I am trying to save your life, if you hadn't noticed. Why the Hell do I owe you an explanation?"

Castle narrows his eyes at her, feeling disbelief bubble in his chest. "Are you _serious? _Last night you knocked me out and I swear to God you were going to kill me. So, you know, sorry for not being all too willing to leave my life to run away with you." Castle snaps, watching her eyes widen slightly. "How am I even supposed to trust you?"

Kate's jaw clenches. "I let you go, didn't I?"

"Only to come right back the next morning and pin me to the ground of my own home!"

At his words, he feels Kate's death grip on his hands loosening, knee slipping from his chest as she sighs and sits beside him instead. He's still for a moment, watches her, until he decides to take her lead and sits up, rubbing his lower back as he does. She could have at least been careful with him when she'd pinned him to the ground.

"Castle, we can do this the easy or the hard way, but either way you're leaving here with me." Kate says slowly, rubbing a hand across her eyes. "You may not like it, but you'll be grateful when I save your life."

He's silent for a while so she stares at him, wonders how it is she can try to sound truthful. She's not all too good at honesty anymore. But then again, she's been living this life for 6 years now. 6 years her life has been full of deceit and twisted lies. Somehow, in the midst of it all, she lost her grip on the truth.

"I don't know how to get you to trust me. I really don't." She confesses. "But _you _don't have the time to sit around and argue with me about it."

Castle nods slowly, glancing down at his hands that have landed in his lap. "Tell me something?"

"What?"

"Who… Who wants me dead?"

Kate swallows thickly, finds herself resisting the urge to smooth the lines of his frown away. Looks like she does have space left in her heart for sentimentality.

If only a little.

"I don't know his real name. I just know his last name. Smith."

"And… He's the one who hired you? To kill me?" Castle implores, turning his wide blue eyes on her.

This time, she can't resist the urge. Her hand raises without warning the logical side of her brain and she finds herself running her thumb along one of his eyebrows, smiling slightly, doesn't understand why she feels warmth in her stomach from the feel of his skin or why she feels like she needs to help him so much. This is more than him being innocent, and this is more than her trying to resist a guilty conscience, but she still can't pin down what it is about him that makes her want to stop.

"Yeah, Castle." She murmurs. "He hired me."

Slowly, Castle takes a deep breath, hand raising to curl around her wrist. He tugs on her hand and pulls it into his lap, studying her hand, tracing her long, thin fingers with his own. She's content with it for a moment until she catches herself- why is she letting him _do _that?- and then immediately untangles her fingers from his grip.

Castle doesn't say a thing, but then he shifts away from her and she feels her heart leap to her throat because she's certain she's got through to him about needing to leave. But he doesn't head towards his bedroom, instead moves back to his front door and opens it, staring at her purposefully.

"I can't come with you, Kate."

It's the first time he's used her name since she arrived and she feels butterflies in her stomach at the way it sounds on his tongue. Stupid, immature reaction.

Kate climbs to her feet, frowning. "Castle, I don't think you understand the danger you're in here."

"And I don't think you understand that I can't just _disappear. _I have a daughter."

"Oh, so you'd rather your daughter comes home to find you _dead, _huh? You'd rather her walk in here as it's happening, for _her _to die too?" Kate challenges, invading his personal space and refusing to break eye contact.

Castle's eyes widen, "They won't touch her. I won't let that happen."

"You won't have a choice because you'll be _dead_, Castle. C'mon…" Kate's voice turns soft, pleading. "If you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for your daughter. Protect her, Castle."

"You've lost a parent, haven't you?"

The question is so sudden that she startles, taking a step backwards in shock as she stares at him with wide eyes. "That is… That is _none _of your business." She tries to sound strong, but she hears her voice trembling in her own ears.

At her reaction, Castle seems surprised, but then suddenly shoves away from the door and heads towards his bedroom. Kate hesitates for a moment but trails after him, unwilling to let him out of her sight.

He's not thinking as he grabs the rucksack from the top of his closet, trying to ignore the visions he sees in his mind of a crying Alexis coming home to find he's gone. But it's better than the ones he sees where she comes home to find him dead, or the ones where she doesn't ever come back home at all. He screws his eyes shut tight against the visions as he grabs random shirts from his closet, chucking them into the rucksack without care.

"You gonna monitor my every move, Kate?" He hisses at her, watches her flinch at the question.

Though it's not her fault, really. At least, that's what the sane part of his mind is thinking, but he keeps pushing it back. If she had killed him that first night, though, Alexis wouldn't be in any form of danger. Though he is grateful for his life, he really is, and he's extremely overwhelmed that she's trying to help him. Not that he understands why she's doing this.

When he reaches for his phone on the bedside drawer, Kate grabs his wrist as quick as a flash. "Uh, Castle, you can't take your phone. They can track you that way. You can't contact anyone."

"If you want me to come with you, then I am taking my phone. I need to stay in touch with Alexis."

"I- I'll get you a burner cell then. But you're not gonna be talking to her regularly, okay, Castle? We need to take as many precautions as we can. Minimalize risks." Kate says slowly, trying to calm him down.

Castle throws the phone back onto the bedside table with anger rumbling deep in his chest. Kate studies him, concerned, as he slumps down onto his bed in exhaustion, head falling into his hands.

Kate hovers, unsure of what to do in this situation. So, calmly, she reaches for the shirts he'd haphazardly shoved into the rucksack, pulls them out and begins folding them correctly. No use in wasting space in the rucksack. Not that she supposes he'll need much. She likes to think of herself of modest, but she's fairly certain she'll be able to track down this mysterious Mr Smith and take him out inside a fortnight. She can't afford any more time than that; she only knows how to hide for so long when people are searching for her.

"My full name is Katherine Houghton Beckett." She says softly as she finishes folding the last shirt, watching his head rise from his hands to stare at her as she tucks the last shirt into the rucksack.

"I didn't ask."

"I know." Kate murmurs. "But I suppose I owe you that, at least. What with the amount of time we're going to be spending with each other."

Castle sighs, heart heavy. "What am I supposed to tell my daughter?"

"Leave her a note." Kate tells him. "Don't try and code anything though, Castle, she needs to believe you're perfectly okay."

"Oh, hey Alexis, don't worry about me. I've simply run off with an assassin in an attempt to save my life." Castle snaps bitterly.

"I'm not an assassin!" Kate cries suddenly, then sighs heavily over her own outburst. "I'm… Don't call me that. I'm not that cold. I'm just- I'm an enforcer."

"You kill people, don't you? People you're hired to kill? You're paid for it."

Why does it hurt so much in her heart to hear those words, to hear the sour note of his tone as he says them? She's been this way for 6 years now. She should be able to accept what she is. Except- Except assassin doesn't sound right in her mind. Assassin implies being distant from her targets. She never is. Though she's never been as attached to any of them as she has Castle, it's not as though she doesn't feel bitter remorse in her stomach when she feels their blood on her hands.

But she manages, because most of them deserve it. They deserve to be punished, and the law will never be able to catch up with them, and this is the only way she knows how to be anything like what she used to be.

"Yeah." She whispers hollowly. "I kill."

Then she takes a deep breath and turns to him. "Hurry up and finish packing, Castle. I'll wait by the door."

* * *

Castle emerges ten minutes later, sighing when she searches the possessions in his bag just in case he's snuck something in there he shouldn't have. Kate raises her eyebrows at the wad of money he stashed in there but he refuses to dignify the look with an excuse. Of _course _he's bringing money with him.

She makes him write a note to Alexis. His heart is in the very pits of his stomach as he does, hands trembling. He makes a lame excuse about an urgent meeting he needs to be at that Paula and Gina have forced him along to, claims it's to do with making the Derrick Storm novels into a movie (yeah, he wishes) and not to worry because he'll only be gone in LA for a week. He even manages to make a joke about looking after his own mother, who lives with the pair of them.

As Kate ushers him out of the door he finds himself frozen, staring longingly back at his home. His home with his mother and his daughter. He'd do anything to stay.

"How am I supposed to just leave my daughter?" He asks Kate. "I'm the only person she's got."

Kate sighs, shutting the door behind her. "Everybody grows up eventually, Castle, and they learn how to stop relying on other people."

"That doesn't have to happen. Growing up and being lonely are two completely different things." Castle argues.

"It's for the best." She says cagily as she gives him a shove into the elevator, and she's not quite sure what she's talking about anymore- Him leaving his daughter to save both their lives, or being alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**heart so helpless  
**

**Thank you for all your kind reviews, I honestly can't put into words how much they encourage me. Unfortunately, for the rest of the week the updates for this fic may be a little slow since I have 2 exams and they need to take priority over this fic. However by next week I should be able to go back to my regular 2-3 day updates.  
**

* * *

Castle's hands don't stop shaking no matter what he does.

He balls them in fists by his sides; drums them against the leather of the chair; shoves them into the pockets of his jacket. Nothing works.

Kate keeps glancing in the rear view mirror of the car, just occasional flickers that warrant no need to panic. At least, he doesn't think he should panic. Her expression is composed, no trace of fear to be found, so he supposes that is a good sign. That they're safe. However, she may just have the best poker face to ever exist. After all, she had tricked him once before. She's tricked a countless amount of people.

This isn't a trick though, is it? This isn't her trying to get him alone, this isn't her trying to murder him- This is her trying to protect him.

His mind can't process it, but then again it can't process the past the moment Kate knocked him out and he awoke to find himself in a dangerous situation. It's just completely bizarre. This stuff only ever happens in movies, TV shows, his books. This isn't real life. How can somebody live like this, so in danger?

Involuntarily, his eyes flicker to Kate, finds her glancing behind them once again as she makes a left turn.

Is this how she lives?

Something clogs in his throat and stays there, stuck. His story for her had been so wrong, originally. She's an _assassin, _she's not the good person, and she's not there for the well being of all. But she's here for him. For some reason- some insane, far-fetched reason- Kate is here to help him. Kate is here for his well being. Putting her life on the line in the process instead of killing him outright.

It must be the parent thing. It must be.

It's the only logical guess he could make. That mysterious cloak around her had caught his eye and glimmered with grief. If it were a husband or a sibling who'd been lost to her, then her parents would be there to prevent her from getting into this kind of world. Right? Because she just looks so- so beautiful and intelligent and thrumming with all this trapped perfection that he knows this kind of world wasn't one she was born into, and it wasn't one she happily joined, and it wasn't one that she belonged within.

So, no parent there for her, all alone. And somehow she turns to murder?

He can relate to that, if only a little.

The lump in his throat comes unstuck for a moment, and his voice is ragged when he asks, "Where are we going?"

Kate hums, and the sound has him teetering on some weird edge of fear and desire. "Finally got your voice back, I see, Castle. I thought you were going into shock."

"Would you blame me?"

Briefly, Kate studies him in the corner of her eye, lip twisting into a small smile. "No, I wouldn't."

She parks before an abandoned building, windows boarded up and glass sprinkled across the floor. He stares at the building for a moment, silently wondering if this is where she expects him to live for a week or two, as well as feeling slightly uneasy about the whole thing. Perhaps she really has tricked him once again and now she's lured him into her trap and, like the fool he is, he's happily walked right into this one.

A small laugh breaks his thoughts, and he turns to find Kate smiling widely at him, eyes dancing with amusement. Oh, God, she's gorgeous. So gorgeous and he doesn't understand anything about the world anymore, because how is she here, how is she involved in things like this? And how can she be so gorgeous, with all that blood on her hands?

"Relax, Castle, I'm not expecting you to stay here. No, I have another place for us to hide out." Kate tells him. "But I need to grab my own stuff, I- Well- This was kind of unplanned."

"Unplanned?" He repeats, confused.

Kate worries her lower lip with her teeth, and damn, if this situation weren't so serious and she wasn't so out of his league, he wouldn't hesitate to lean down and kiss those teeth marks away, smooth his tongue-

"It was just this morning that I realized I underestimated the man who put me up to kill you. So I made the split decision to help you, and now I haven't got any of my stuff. But we'll just be here a sec, I promise."

Castle nods enthusiastically, impatient for this trip to the dodgy looking neighborhood to be over as soon as possible. So when Kate climbs from the car he follows willingly, dodging shards of glass and constantly glancing over his shoulder as he follows her towards the abandoned building.

"Where are we, anyway?"

"Well- We're back where I first took you."

"You _live _here?"

The surprise in his voice is unmanageable and flows freely, so he's not surprised when Kate turns to him with her hands on her hips, one eyebrow raised. He swallows and tries to ignore the sweat gathering on the back of his neck under the intensity of her gaze. Castle's fairly certain that she could get anyone to confess to anything under that gaze, even the most hardened and well-protected of criminals.

"Castle, I am an _assassin. _I need somewhere to be secretive about what I do. I don't think I'd be the best of neighbours."

Oh, well that makes sense, now that he thinks logically about it.

Yet still Kate stands with her hands on her hips before him, staring him down with his fierce green eyes of hers. He shifts nervously from foot to foot before allowing a meek "Okay" to slip from his mouth.

"And, in response to your earlier question? We're in the Bronx."

Castle splutters, "The _Bronx? _Jesus, Kate, you must stick out like a sore thumb."

Kate ignores his outburst and turns away, to a boarded window of the building, glancing about surreptitiously before nudging it with her shoulder. It loosens immediately and she manages to shove it aside enough to make room for the pair of them to climb through.

She wiggles through gracefully, landing on both feet inside and turning to him expectantly. He's less than graceful. His shoulder catches on the wooden board, and then his foot gets caught on the ledge, but after Kate rolling her eyes and pulling him through he falls on his face on the inside of the building. He hears Kate stifle a laugh at that and, despite the situation, finds himself smothering his own smile.

The first few rooms they travel through are empty, save from graffiti on the walls, empty cans laying forgotten on the ground. Soon after though they pass a room that he's certain is the one she had held him captive in- it's small, a box room with the one lightbulb- and then she's leading him into a room that's oddly furnished. A bed that looks much more uncomfortable than the floor, a few tables that hold clutter as well as manila folders, as well as a large whiteboard hidden behind a black curtain.

This isn't what he'd expected.

Somehow, despite the fact this was in the Bronx and a place she didn't own, he'd suspected that she would live comfortably. But none of this seems comfortable. It doesn't seem like a home.

It just seems lonely.

"I'm just gonna grab my things," Kate says, gesturing to a room that leads off of the one they're currently standing in, "I'll be right back."

"Sure."

He allows himself to roam about the room, inspecting. He finds a laptop hidden away beneath her bed, as well as an empty box of Chinese takeout, and he's just heading towards the hidden whiteboard when her voice stops him in his tracks.

"Don't touch that."

Castle startles, swivels to find her clutching a large bag and eyes wide with barely repressed anger.

Curiosity sparks within him, but something about the way she's holding herself up at the moment, and the sadness of this room, makes him resist the urge to pry. It's a first for him. He prides himself in the details, in knowing everything, and that's what makes his writing better than most. But with her the details go hazy, and it doesn't seem to change a thing.

"I'm sorry. I'm just…" Castle doesn't finish the sentence, too distracted by the way her knuckles are white as she all but clings to the bag. "How long have you lived here?" He asks before he can stop himself.

He thinks he sees a layer of tears in her eyes, but when she blinks they're gone. Castle supposes it had been a trick of the light.

"5 years." Kate answers, too quietly for his liking.

"All alone?"

There's a pause, and he's certain that he's pushed too far, that she'll find a way to hurt him for the questions-

But then, softly, she confirms his suspicions. "All alone."

The atmosphere between them is so intimate now that he can't resist anymore, drinking in this information with a renewed fire burning in his veins, stepping closer and closer towards her until they're just an arms-length apart.

"Why do you do this? Why are you an assassin?"

A kaleidoscope of emotions play in her eyes for a moment, but then they fall flat, shutting him out.

"It's a long story." She tells him tiredly.

He'll accept that. For now. Though if she believes that he's not going to try and wear her down over the time that they're going to be spending together, then she's incredibly wrong. There isn't going to be one moment, he thinks, that his mind isn't writing a story for her, creating her with his words and his imagination, trying to explain her beauty and her mystery and the inherent fragility in her eyes.

"Is it worth it?"

Kate sighs. "It will be."

Castle's eyes turn to one of the boarded windows beside them, studies the plain of land that stretches out before the abandoned building- the place in which she lives- and wonders if this is how she feels every day. Alone, cut-off from the rest of society because of the story she reminds herself every time the darkness comes creeping in at the night time, trying to fill the silence and emptiness that haunts her.

He wonders if she feels abandoned.

"Let's go, Castle."

He doesn't argue.

* * *

The radio fills the silence of the car as he stares out of the window, away from her, as her eyes remain fixed on the road ahead of them. Because he's turned away, he's missing the flex of her fingers on the car wheel, the white of her knuckles, the clench of her jaw. The fight she's having inside, deliberating whether to let him in or not.

But there's- There's so much- No. She can't think like this. Why is she thinking like this? As though this man were any different to every other human being on this planet, as though he meant anything else to her.

No, she's just doing this because she doesn't want an innocent man to die, right?

Yet she misses the feel of his lips on hers, wonders what all that skin would feel like if she aligned her body with his, feels a warm flare in the pit of her stomach.

Right. Well. There's some lust there, then. Which is fine. She's still a human being, after all, she's allowed to feel this way.

But he makes her feel something other than ice cold when he looks at her, makes her feel safe as the secrets spill free from her lips, makes her feel something strange that's unwelcome and totally wonderful at the same time.

"Kate."

Kate turns to him, surprised by the desperation in his tone, but when she sees what it is that caught his eye she simply sighs.

There's his daughter, sitting inside a small café with her head buried in a biology textbook next to a young girl that Kate doesn't recognise but assumes is Alexis's friend.

There's his daughter that he has to leave behind.

Kate watches the play of emotions on his face, the utter desperation, the heart-breaking sadness, and wonders what's going through his mind. What is it that you think, really, when you see the person you hold dearest for what quite possibly is the last time? What words would you say, what actions would you take?

"Castle, you're protecting her." She points out softly.

His hand presses against the glass of the window as he stares, head falling forwards in defeat. "I know."

The light before her turns green and she speeds away before he dares thinks about jumping out to say goodbye to his daughter.

His betrayed glare burns into her skin, but she just ignores it, like she ignores most matters of the heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**heart so helpless**

**Thank you guys for being so understanding about delayed updates. Also, 100+ reviews in 7 chapters?! You guys are awesome. Thank you so, so much. Regular updates should start again now my exams have passed.  
**

* * *

"Kate, if I didn't know any better, I'd say we're headed to the Hamptons."

It's the first time Castle's spoke in over an hour and it makes her startle in surprise, glancing over towards him to find he's staring right back at her. There's still a lingering look of barely repressed anger in his eyes, but it's mostly hidden by confusion. She swallows down her stubborn pride that had prevented her from making idle conversation in the first place.

"You're right, Castle. We are."

Castle absorbs the information quietly, and she turns away from him to face the long, endless road again, surrounded by acres of field and the occasional not-quite-a-mansion-yet-house. Focusing on the road seems easier than giving him information about where they'll be staying. Something about the confusion and curiosity in his voice sends warning bells to her mind.

"So are we passing through the Hamptons, or… Are we actually staying there?"

He's smarter than she's given him credit for.

"We're staying."

"We are staying. In the Hamptons." Castle repeats, astounded.

"Yes."

Castle falls back to silence for a moment, reaches out to mess with the radio and she doesn't have the energy to tell him to stop. She's running on nothing but sleep and adrenaline, regretting that she hadn't even spared the time to grab a cup of coffee from the Starbucks two blocks away from Castle's apartment.

"So, you have a house there, or you're presuming that you can use mine? Because I've got to say, that's not the most excellent of hiding places."

Oh- She hadn't realized that's what this was about.

"No, Castle." She laughs, sparing a glance at him. "I have a house there."

"What?" Castle practically yelps.

"What's so shocking about me having a place in the Hamptons?" Kate asks, rather offended. "Just because I'm not a rich, bestselling author doesn't mean-"

"No no no! I didn't mean anything like that." Castle cuts across hastily, holding his palms facing forwards to calm her down. "I meant- it's just- obvious? I suppose."

Kate spares a glance at him in the corner of her eye but otherwise keeps her eyes focused on the road, finds it's easier to keep her mind going through the logical steps of driving than looking at him. Because he just looks so crushed and confused and strangely excited by what must be the most bizarre turn of events in his life. And something about it- something about the pain on his face over leaving his daughter and the childish excitement over this strange adventure- makes her want to stop the car and just kiss the look from his face, wishing she were able to feel like that, to be able to feel anything other than this irrevocable emptiness that forces her to keep breathing every day.

And that just- That's not an option she has. She's spending two weeks with him, tops. Nothing more. He's just a guy. He can't be more; she doesn't have that kind of life.

"Castle, you know what they'd be expecting of us? They'd be expecting us to hide away in some deserted place, much like where we've just been, keeping a low profile. Not in a glaringly obvious, expensive house in the Hamptons that I bought two years ago. Under a false name, may I add, before you panic again."

"Oh."

Kate can practically hear the whirr of his mind as it digests this information and her logic.

"I- I guess that makes sense."

"Trust me, Castle." She says, not batting an eyelid at the words. "I know how to hide."

He doesn't say a word more, and she doesn't dare look at him. Because she thinks she knows how his expression would react to this one. It would be just like how he reacted back at her place in the Bronx, as he'd studied the bare room and her less than satisfactory living standards.

With pity.

* * *

"You're kidding me, right?"

It's the first thing Castle says when they pull up at her luxurious house, shrouded by glaringly green leaves that always seem far too artificial to her than should be real, but they grant too much privacy for her to actually do anything about it. The house is large, not as large as most standards set in the Hamptons, but shows enough of her wealth to blend in. It's a mute grey in colour, lacking any way of standing out from the crowd, only appearing vaguely homely by the shrubbery around the front porch.

The house is isolated, too, he notices. It stands alone, and has been the first one to crop up in at least ten minutes- and Kate drives fast. When he climbs from the car he can hear the sound of the waves of the sea chopping against each other, a bitter wind picking up from being so close to the sea, but the heat of the midday sun warms his skin.

Now his brain isn't sure how to feel about anything anymore. Because, as lovely as this house is, he knows how inexplicably lonely it is to be in such a grand, large house built for relaxing and being surrounded by family, but spending time in it alone. Many times, when Alexis was with her mom and his own mother preferred staying at his loft and inviting "friends" around, he would escape to his own place to just get his head in gear and write. He found that the loneliness forced him to write, because the quicker he wrote the sooner he would once again be with his family.

But Kate doesn't have a family to return to. Not really. If she isn't here, then she's in that cramped, deserted room of hers isolated from the world. And he's not quite sure which one is more heartbreaking.

"What?" Kate asks at his statement, throwing him a puzzled look as she pulls her own bag from the boot of the car.

"This place. It's a thirty minute drive from my own house up here." He tells her, not sure whether he's pleased about this information or not.

"Uh, okay?" Kate arches an eyebrow at him as she shoulders the bag, clearly confused as to why he feels this information is worth sharing.

"I just… It's strange. I guess. I've not really been so far away from you all this time." He attempts to explain, and he's still not quite sure what point he's supposed to be making. So what if he doesn't live far from her? Why does it matter? He only needs her to protect him. Nothing more.

But Kate's grinning widely at the way he fumbles over his words. "Come on, Castle. I'll show you around." She murmurs, ducking her eyes away from him in some strange form of embarrassment and heading towards the house.

And for some reason, that small moment just steals his breath away. Something about the large grin that lights her eyes, the way they sparkle with amusement and the golden colours weaving into her hair from the sun is just _so_ beautiful, so unlike the cold assassin he's known for a matter of hours, and he just wishes he could live in that one moment forever and get to know the real Kate; the one who was there before this troubled life she leads.

Yet the moment passes and she's heading towards the house without looking back at him. But he manages to smile at the subtle tinge of pink that stains her cheeks, revelling in this new, strange intimacy they're going to have.

She is so beautiful.

* * *

Kate shows him to his room, grimacing at the fact she only has one guest room set up, and he tries to ignore the way that makes him increasingly sadder. Nobody ever comes here to visit, she's so alone everywhere she goes.

Then she shows him around the house, starts off by pointing at the door of his room and telling him that he is never, ever allowed to even _think _about going in there, reminding him that she sleeps with a gun. He tries on his best look of nonchalance at that, all the while worrying whether she truly would use a gun on him despite it being a joke.

After that she shows him the several bathrooms upstairs, as well as a study. He gives her a strange look for that one and she blushes. "In case you want to write." She clarifies, and his mind is spinning wildly about Nikki Heat, about this new character he has in his mind that is based off of Kate, and how amazing it would be to write Nikki Heat in Kate's house.

Then she leads him downstairs and through the large kitchen, informing him that she's neither his maid nor his chef and he'll have to take care of himself. She shows him through to the several sitting areas as well as one more bathroom, and even a secret library she has hidden downstairs. The urge to run through the room and study all the books on the shelves overtakes him until she grabs him by the ear and tugs him away from the room, him crawling after her and mock-whimpering about the pain she's causing and the permanent damage to his ear.

She leads him through to her back porch and, while she turns to indicate the whereabouts of the pool, Castle finds himself paralyzed by the beautiful view.

The view from his house, he'd thought, was gorgeous. But this… He'd never seen anything like it. There's a small amount of grass that soon blends into tall, thick beach grass, merging onto a white beach. The sea stretches beyond them endlessly, nothing interrupting the horizon, just one horizontal line where the sea meets with the sky, and the promise of infinity.

"Castle?"

He turns away from the view because the only thing less beautiful than it is her, and he finds her watching him with a concerned expression, brows furrowed so much they almost meet.

"I'm fine." He assures her, but he can tell she's not convinced. "I… I'm just blown away by how beautiful it is. I wasn't expecting this."

Kate grins wryly. "What were you expecting, Castle? Guns lining the walls? Blood on the ceiling?"

"Oh, ha ha." He grumbles, trying to act as though the sight of her smile doesn't make his heart pound. "I just didn't expect you to invest in something so lovely."

Kate tilts her head to the side slightly, smile disappearing. "Why do you say that?"

"You really want the answer to that?"

She purses her lips and then her eyes find the horizon, something sad reflecting in those green depths. "No." She sighs as her shoulders fall. "But I know what you mean. It's endless, isn't it?"

Much like her loneliness, he supposes. Because then she waves a hand at him and slinks back inside the house, and he's left alone.

And that's when he pledges it. His promise to her, as an exchange for saving his life.

To give her a friend, to make the loneliness go away, and show her how much more she can be.

* * *

Kate's gone for most of the day, says she needs to go shopping since she ran out of food the last time she was here. The act is rather domestic and he's stunned by it, but doesn't say a word as she warns him not to leave the house and she won't be more than a couple hours.

He rummages through things, as he does. There's nothing to be found in any of the sitting areas, apart from the rare novel (he finds that she's a large Hemingway fan) that lies on a counter. He tries to familiarize himself with his surroundings, largely because this will be his home of sorts for a while, and partially because these small tidbits are part of her home, and they bring him one step closer to knowing her more intimately. Purely for story research, of course.

Kate stumbles through the door with half a dozen grocery bags as he's heading into her library, tearing him away from his snooping. He helps her carry the bags into the kitchen but she shoos him away when he attempts to help her unpack, a familiar blush staining her cheeks.

So he returns back to the library of hers, curious as to her taste in books. He's impressed, to say the least, but he had already gathered that she's intelligent, so he's not surprised at all.

His fingers run over the spines of the well-worn books, silently trying to understand the workings of this woman's mind.

He doesn't think he can.

"Castle?"

He turns to find her standing in the doorway, illuminated by the soft light of the sun behind her, setting now over the sea.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna come see something with me?"

There's this intensely shy look on her face that he feels he may explode with how suddenly open she's being with him, so he doesn't resist in nodding earnestly and following her from the room.

At the last moment he catches the sight of a familiar novel placed on the desk in the room, stumbles when he realises it's _Hell Hath No Fury, _his own work. And his hands are reaching out in wonder for the book when he hears her call him from down the hall, and he lurches away, deciding that he can confront her about this later. For now, there's something too personal about this moment to interrupt it- even with something so important with this.

So he sets the book down on the desk and trails after her, finds her walking across the grass of her garden and towards the white sand- barefoot.

He slips off his own shoes eagerly, chasing after her now because he's fallen so far behind, flushing with embarrassment when she briefly turns to look at him over her shoulder and flashes him a grin.

Kate stops when she hits the edge of the dry sand, where it begins to merge with the cobalt blue sea. He catches up and stands beside her, trying not to wince at the feel of the cold sea barely whispering against his bare toes.

"You thought it was beautiful earlier? Just watch it now."

He does, for a moment. And it's stunning, the way that the sun lowers down on the horizon, casting a beautiful orange glow over everything, spreading warmth straight to his heart. She's right. It's beautiful.

But his eyes stray to her and watch the way she absorbs the sunset, eyes wide as she drinks it all in. And he can't help but wonder whether this is a regular thing for her- watching the sunset because it's beautiful, and watching a beautiful thing because she needs to be reminded that there are such things that exist in real life and not just in stories with the make believe.

And he really, _really _wants to kiss her.

He wants to kiss her because she's so lost but enchanting and gorgeous and she's saving his life and she's also sharing this beautiful moment with him because she wants to and not because it's a part of the job description. He wants to kiss her and hold her in his arms and pull her to bed and memorise every inch of her skin and fill her with so much happiness that she feels as though she's going to explode. He wants to make her gasp and writhe beneath him and feel the pounding of her erratic heart against his chest as he reminds her of all the ways that life is beautiful.

But then the sun sets and the sky is dark, and the only light left in her eyes is the faintest glimmer of reflection of the stars, and she turns away.


	9. Chapter 9

**heart so helpless**

**Wow, the response to the last chapter was truly amazing. I'm sorry this one doesn't quite live up to its standards. Your comments were so, so lovely. I honestly teared up at some of them (and it helped me ignore the one random hate review I received- so thank you!).  
**

* * *

When Castle wakes, the sunlight blinds him temporarily, and he's confused by the sound of rolling waves that don't belong near his loft, and the low thread count of these sheets he's wrapped up in that don't feel familiar at all.

It's not until he sits up, swiping a hand across his eyes as they search around the room blearily, that he takes in the details of the room and understands where exactly he is.

Castle's shoulders sag slightly in disappointment. Honestly, the whole thing had been so surreal that he'd been certain that he'd dreamed the whole thing. Leaving his home with a woman who had- what, abducted him? Only to visit some place she claims she lives in located in the Bronx, and then to drive up here to the Hamptons because he's in _danger? _There's just… There's no logic in that. He's not a dangerous guy. He's not overly famous. He's just a writer.

Plus, Kate had just seemed too unreal. The arch of her cheekbones and her lonely eyes were too lovely, the plump of her lips when she smiles and the crinkles of by her eyes were too perfect. And she hadn't made any sense, just like the whole scenario hadn't.

Castle scrambles from the bed and rummages through his backpack, comes up empty for a robe. Yet he doesn't feel quite awake enough to change out of the pajamas he'd brought- He doesn't even normally _wear _pajamas, he just felt the need to protect his modesty in front of her- so he decides to simply man up and waltz out into the rest of the house in his pajamas in bare feet. Kate can't really complain about his presentation; though that doesn't stop him from taking a quick glance in the mirror and running his hands through his puffy bed hair.

He finds Kate downstairs, already dressed in jeans and loose peasant top, humming to herself as she alternates between frying eggs and glancing at something on her laptop.

It makes him pause and rest against the doorway of the kitchen, drinking her in. She's acting… differently. There's a slight bob to her walk as she hums, smiling just slightly as her head also bounces along to the song, soft tendrils of dark golden hair slipping from her braid and softly caressing her cheeks.

This is the Kate he wants to know.

Castle clears his throat and Kate jumps violently, letting out the tiniest of shrieks and dropping the pan of eggs she'd held in her hands.

He can't help but burst out laughing at the way Kate quickly scrambles to grab the pan and save the eggs, glowering towards him from where she crouches on the floor. He doesn't dare take a step forward to try and help, knows that it's a lost cause and she'll only manage to hurt him in some way if he even dares.

Once Kate gathers the pan and shoves it back onto the stove, skin flushed a light shade of pink now, he heads into the room.

"I thought this was all a dream, and now I'm scaring a trained killer? Yep, definitely a dream."

Kate rolls her eyes at him, as she places the recently cooked eggs onto a plate with some bacon and toast. "I wasn't expecting you to be awake. I'm not used to have company here."

"I can tell by the way you were humming away to yourself there." He tells her, grinning.

It only earns him a more heated look- the angry kind.

"Anyway," he hurries on before she can hurt him, "I thought you assassin people were supposed to have this sixth sense? Know when someone's following you or creeping up on you?"

Kate has to stifle a laugh at that, her eyes shining with something that just about brims on the edge of amusement and annoyance. "Castle, how much TV do you actually watch?"

"Enough." He replies indignantly and, bravely, risks stealing a slice of toast from her plate.

It simply earns him a slap to the wrist from her warm spatula, and he cries out in a mixture of surprise and mock-pain, pulling puppy dog eyes on her. They usually work on his daughter, but Kate seems indifferent to them, instead grins widely at him as she takes a bite of the same piece of toast he'd originally tried to steal.

"No fair." He pouts.

"I told you, Castle. I'm not your maid. Feed yourself." Kate tells him between her next bite of toast, and then wanders back off to her laptop, placed at the end of the counter by the stools.

He groans, but moves on to making himself some food.

* * *

On a scale of one to ten, Kate is certain that she is 100 if she were to rate how embarrassed she is.

It's not because of how he made her shriek and drop the pan. That's what anyone's reaction to being snuck up upon would be. No, it's mainly because of the fact that she let him sneak up on her at all, and that he'd caught her _humming and dancing around _as she cooked. She's supposed to be the professional killer who's here to look after him until he's safe again. Not entertainment.

Kate ducks her head and hides behind the few strands of hair that have escaped from her braid, chewing on her bacon as she watches her laptop, bored. She'd uploaded her recent calls and was tracing down Smith's number, but each time she had been sure that she'd got a hit, it'd turn out to be wrong and just a red herring. The guy was good, to say the least. He definitely didn't want her to find him.

After a while Kate grows bored of the food, finds that she has no appetite when things aren't working out according to plan, and shoves the plate in Castle's direction. His delightfully sleepy face lights up at the food and places the burnt toast he'd just made in the bin, accepting the food eagerly.

"Oh, hey, I got you a burner cell. For you to call your daughter on." She tells him, hopping from the stool and crossing the kitchen to rummage through a pile of things she'd collected on her shopping trip yesterday.

"Her name's Alexis."

Kate turns to him, cell phone in hand, with an eyebrow raised. "Castle, I know."

But this doesn't seem to help matters at all. Instead his expression grows darker as he studies her and accepts the cell phone she passes to him, almost glowering at her, even though she doesn't feel she's done anything wrong at all.

"Then call her by her name. Alexis. She's not_ just_ my daughter; she's a human being with her own life. Okay?" Castle growls angrily.

If she wasn't so trained at her poker face, Kate's sure that her cool façade would've slipped in that moment. The only time he had looked so angry was when she'd told him that he had to leave Alexis- though it was in order to help protect her.

"Okay." She agrees quietly, heading back over to her laptop.

There's an awkward silence between them, filled only by the tapping of her keyboard as she furiously tries to at least locate who the hell owns the damn phone that called her. All she's got is the name Smith, and the fact that he used to work with Montgomery.

Kate has to stop as the thought crosses her mind, eyes closing as she rests her head in her hands and tries to calm her heartbeat. It'd been 6 years now, and she still couldn't think of her late captain Montgomery without sorrow anchoring her heart down into her stomach and bile threatening to spill from her.

Her hands shake as she presses them against her forehead, rubbing gently at her temple as the memories threaten to spill free; remembering all too well the green grass of his funeral and the sky that had stretched on for miles upon miles as she'd laid on the ground with a bullet in her heart, her red blood mixing with the grass as she'd felt her life leave her body.

"Hey- Are you okay?"

Kate finds herself sucked from the twisted memories by Castle's voice, startles when she looks up and he's right there, hands resting on her shoulders as he studies her.

She shoves him away aggressively without thinking, slipping from the stool and starting to pace it off. "I'm fine, Castle. I'm fine."

Castle hesitates around her for a moment, but her pacing mixed with the storm she feels brewing in her expression warns him away, so he gives in and leaves her to her mind and the swirl of memories that torture her every night.

* * *

Sometime later, Castle finds himself getting dressed, burner cell clutched in hand as he paces about his room like a caged animal. He doesn't know what to do. Should he call Alexis? Does he really need to?

He doesn't think he should, because despite Kate reassuring him that as long as he keeps the conversation brief nobody should be able to track down the phone, there's still the risk of putting Alexis in danger for no reason whatsoever. Alexis is safe, for now. Kate said so, and Kate would know, right? Kate seemed to know that someone was after him, though he had no idea why, and that they were solely out for his blood; not his daughters. His daughter didn't need to be mixed up in his.

But then this is what he needs. He needs to call Alexis and hear her voice, make sure that she's really okay and just strengthen his lie of an alibi for not being at home. He just- Alexis is the one thing he has in his life beside his Mother, and his Mother, though she loves him, is an unreliable character. Alexis is innocent and loves him with all of her heart and doesn't plan on ever becoming anything other than a permanent fixture in his life. His crutch. Without Alexis, he has nothing. His fame, his wealth, even his books, could never weigh up to how much he needs Alexis. His little girl.

"Castle?"

He glances up to find Kate watching him carefully.

"Yeah?"

"You gonna call her?"

"I might do." He answers uneasily. He's not all too comfortable with Kate talking about Alexis, to be honest. Kate doesn't seem as though she'd hurt him- after all, she's saving his life- but she's done nothing to prove that her loyalty strays far enough to protect his family.

"Well, let me know when you're going to, okay?"

He feels anger rise inside his chest at that. "Why, Kate? You have to monitor my every move?" He snaps.

Kate sighs, leaning against the doorframe, almost patronizing when she speaks. "No, Castle. But I need to make sure you don't give away too much information or stay on the phone too long."

"Why? Why does it matter how much I tell my daughter? As far as I'm aware, she is _none o_f your business." Castle growls, rising to his feet. "How am I supposed to even trust you with my daughter's life? What stops one of them from going out there and _taking her_?"

"Castle, these guys- They don't want to make a big deal. They like small, quiet murders. That's why they get away with it. That's why I get away with it." She reasons with him patiently. "They won't harm Alexis because then Alexis will be reported missing, and then the police will get involved, and that mixed with the countless bodies of the murders they've ordered doesn't bode well for them."

"You seem to know a lot about people who I've never even seen, Kate. How do I know that you're not even making the whole thing up? From what I've seen, the only danger here is _you!"_

They stand in an almost stunned silence for a moment, Castle's chest heaving wildly from his outburst, anger blazing through his veins as he glares at her and waits for her to answer. But Kate can simply feel nothing but shame flooding through her, threatening to make her blush.

"How- How-" Kate flounders for a moment, but then her jaw sets and the fire returns to her eyes. "You know what? If you don't like it, you go back to your place and you get both you and your daughter killed. Doesn't affect me. I'm not being paid to do this."

But Castle just steps closer to her, crowding her against the wall. She can feel her heart hammering in her chest, and she's certain the wild beat of her pulse shows in the column of her throat. She gulps at his close proximity, the anger in his eyes and the trembling of his hands as he reaches out and presses a hand against her cheek, spreading warmth throughout her like a wildfire.

"Then why _are _you doing this, Kate?"

She gulps, slack-jawed as she stares at him, at a loss for words.

Because she really doesn't know why.

"I don't know." She admits quietly.

Castle sighs, leaning forward to press his forehead against hers and she doesn't quite know what to do, leaning against the wall with his hand on her cheek and his forehead resting against hers. It's not unwelcome. Her body's reaction to him clearly enjoys this. But her mind is racing, practically yelling at her to run while she has the chance, because something about this guy is different, but this guy is going to be heading back to his regular life soon and has no time for someone like her. She wouldn't expect him to. She's not even sure she'd want him to.

"Kate." He sighs, breath washing over her lips, and she can taste it on the tip of her tongue.

She's giddy with it all but raises her palms to his chest, shoving him away lightly. He doesn't resist, but keeps his vulnerable blue eyes on hers.

"Call Alexis, Castle."

And so he does.


	10. Chapter 10

**heart so helpless**

**I am so, so sorry this took longer than usual to write. It just seemed wrong every time I wrote it. I still don't particularly like it, but let me know what you think.  
**

* * *

The cell phone leaves him teetering on the edge of anticipation and fear for a moment, as the dialing tone seems to go on just a slight bit too long, and he's suddenly afraid for a moment that Alexis isn't going to answer the phone. He does warn her not to pick up to unknown numbers, after all.

Kate is still leaning against the doorway, watching him, although the glassy look in her eyes makes it appear as though her mind may be elsewhere. Not that he'd blame her. After that argument that they just had, he also has a lot on his mind, too.

Castle closes his eyes in frustration, tries not to remember the all too enticing feel of her just inches away from him.

"Hello?"

Castle almost leaps out of his skin, fumbling with the phone for a moment until that all-encompassing relief floods through his veins at the innocence and unawareness in Alexis' voice.

"Hello?" Alexis repeats through the phone, and he chuckles his own awkwardness.

Castle grips the phone tighter in his hand and presses it against his ear, grinning widely. His daughter's okay. She's safe. Kate is saving them both from harm; both physically and emotionally.

That tightening in his chest uncurls. If only a little.

"Alexis," He says calmly, "It's me."

"Dad? What are- I got your note. Why aren't you using your normal phone?"

"Uh," Castle laughs, eyes sliding over to Kate. She seems to have back to herself because she's making strange signals at him, hand motions and widened eyes that he doesn't understand until she snatches the phone from him and changes it to speaker with a raised eyebrow in his direction. "I left it at home, pumpkin."

"Oh. Okay. How long do you think you'll be gone?" Alexis asks with a slight sad edge to her voice.

Castle glances at Kate, who mouths _one to two weeks _at him. Castle runs a hand over his face tiredly, how on Earth is he supposed to make this excuse work with one or two _weeks? _He's been to LA and back in a matter of a weekend- during his crisis about feeling alone and Alexis was with her Mom, he wasn't completely reckless to leave her unsafe- and now he's supposed to play off the idea of being in LA for that long? No, Alexis is smart. And he's a terrible liar. She's going to figure out something's wrong, eventually.

"Probably a week, maybe two?" He says, though it ends up a question, wincing when he hears Alexis' quiet intake of surprise.

"Two weeks? But Dad, how can this possibly take so long? I thought you'd told me that they had no plans to make any Derrick Storm movies."

"Uh, exactly." Castle says, and can almost feel the metaphorical light bulb light in his mind. "We're in meetings trying to convince them to, uh, to do it."

Alexis is silent for a long while, and he holds his breath, doubtful. Alexis is smart, and even in the silence he can hear the cogs of her mind whirring. Digesting the incorrect information. Wondering why he's lying.

"Okay, Dad." She sighs, weary. It makes him ache deep down to his bones, knowing that she won't push, doesn't ever push. "I… I thought you were gonna write. You seemed quite obsessed with this new idea."

He can feel Kate's eyes on him, but he can't meet hers, feeling rather sheepish. New idea. New idea about Kate- Who's now stolen him away from his home with his daughter and his comfortable life to hide him away in her house in the Hamptons, all because someone's after him, trying to take his life. Yeah, now it sounds kind of Meta.

"Yeah, I- I don't know, sweetie. Maybe when I get back I can go back to writing it." He says, glancing up when Kate sits beside him on the bed.

She motions to the clock on his bedside table, mouthing something about the time. Castle closes his eyes in frustration. Right. He can only talk to his own daughter for a limited amount of time now. That's so wrong. Difficult. Sinister.

"Listen, pumpkin, I'm gonna have to go now. But, uh, I'll call later, or tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, Dad." Alexis murmurs. "I love you."

"Love you too." He sighs, pressing the end call button.

Kate doesn't say anything when he simply sits and stares at his new, unfamiliar cell for a moment. Nor does she move. He's surprised. Waits for her to slowly shuffle out of the room at any moment and leave him to his thoughts, but she doesn't. Perhaps she's just there as some sign of moral support. Or perhaps she's just checking that he doesn't try ringing Alexis again to tell her the whole truth. He's not sure which one is more likely. After all, who's he trying to kid. He doesn't know her at all. He'll never know her.

The better this whole experience is over, the better.

"I'm sorry."

He looks up to Kate and finds her watching him sadly, reaching out and prying the cell from his hands. He lets her.

"Are you?"

Kate's eyes flicker from his intense gaze back down to the phone, and he finds himself inexplicably angry at that. She can't meet his eyes any more than she can ever tell him the truth, despite this whole situation.

But then her eyes find his again, and it all slides into place, the way it shouldn't; because this is wrong, and she is wrong, and they are wrong, and everything about this situation is so wrong- yet it all fits perfectly into the jagged corners of his ink-stained heart.

"Yeah, Castle. I am."

Kate leans forwards and tentatively presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. Warmth fills him up, so much he's certain he's going to combust, so without thinking his hand reaches up and circles around the back of her neck. Holds her there, even once her lips have left his skin and it simply sings through his blood at the loss. Just breathing. He can feel her pulse hammering against his wrist, where he's certain his own pounds wildly too, if the blood rushing to his ears is any way to judge it.

"Kate." He barely breathes her name.

He feels her swallow, the bones and muscles at the back of her neck twitching slightly against his large hand, and he moves to cup her skull, threads his fingers through her hair as though she is the most exquisite thing he has ever known.

* * *

It makes her eyes water. Nobody has ever touched her like that before.

* * *

His other hand rises and presses above her heart. Feels it pulsate wildly beneath his palm and he smiles. Smiles because she is the most extraordinary creature he's ever known and he is going to _write _about her. He is going to write and write and write and then he is going to wear her down, knock down those walls until, when time comes that they go their separate ways, she won't want to leave him at all.

Kate's fingers twine with his above her heart. He hides his jolt, though he sees the way her lips twitch slightly in amusement. But he ignores it, drags his eyes up to her own green ones. They're so intense right now, but guarded; he wants them to be open and free.

"Be honest with yourself." He says, delighting in the way her tongue slips from the confines of her lips briefly, as her body leans into him just a little more. "Be honest with yourself as to why you're doing this."

* * *

He is so wonderful.

He is so worth it- This fight.

She doesn't know exactly why yet. She hardly knows him at all.

But the light in his eyes and the way he holds her, the way he watches her every move and studies her as though she is a fine and precious thing-

He is so worth it.

Kate's hand reaches up, fists itself in his pajama top. Gripping on tight as her forehead leans against his. A crutch in case things go wrong. They always do.

Will he?

She's not quite sure and warmth is too thick in her veins, her mind clouded with what feels like cotton wool, to figure it out. To figure him out. She'll just let him figure her out; which is strange and unfamiliar but not unwelcome, because usually people get bored of the puzzle.

Not him. He's here.

"You're different." She breathes, and it feels as though she's breathing fire. "I don't know why but- You're different."

Castle's hand abandons her heart, bravely wanders down and grips her waist tightly. She arches in surprise but he's already pulling her forwards, onto his lap until she straddles him on the bed he's claimed as his. She cannot find herself to care about boundaries. Not one tiny, miniscule bit.

His head bows and paints love across her neck with the stroke of his tongue.

"Castle." She murmurs.

"Why do you call me that?" He asks lightly, even as his mouth finds her collarbone and nips gently.

"Call you- Call you what?" She responds, fingers tightening in his hair.

"Castle. Nobody calls me Castle."

He breathes across her clavicle and she has a hard time focusing on the answer. That's probably why she lets the answer slip out instead of ignoring his question altogether.

"Force of habit. It's what I do-did- in the force, when talking to others on my team."

Castle suddenly goes very still.

Oh, no.

* * *

The force?

As in- The police?

_She used to be a cop._

Kate's hands scrabble madly in his hair and pull him towards her, tightening her legs around his hips as she moulds her lips against his. He falls into it for one small, insane moment; lost in the velvet feel of her lips and the way her tongue traces against the seam of his mouth.

But then-

"Kate." He gasps, pulling away, staring at her with wide eyes.

"Ignore it. Forget I said-"

"Kate." He cuts across her, despite the small part of his mind that is screaming at himself to stop. Sleep with the hot chick while he can.

But he's not like that. The playboy image had always been just that- an image. A façade. He has two failed marriages to show that he's useless at commitment, but a healthy and happy seventeen year old daughter to prove that he can do commitment if the other person is willing for it, too.

"Please, Castle." She sighs, head falling to his shoulder as she catches her breath. "Let it go."

"I can't." He tightens his grip on her waist. "I want to- I _need _to know you."

Kate pulls away from him to stare at him with something akin to wonder playing openly in her eyes, mouth parted just enough to look absorbed as well as sexy.

"Tell me, Kate. Tell me everything."

"Why?"

Her voice is small and soft and so fragile- so fragile that he feels as though he could weep. Why? Why would he not want to know everything about this wonderful woman? How could she ever doubt herself so? How come she could kill without a second thought, but the moment intimacy came about, she ran for the hills?

He's about the voice those thoughts but there's something lost and confused and so vulnerable in her eyes that he stops and thinks his answer through. Don't scare her off. He can't scare her off; not now that they're so close. Closer.

"You intrigue me." He tells her honestly.

Her head tips slightly to the right. "You intrigue me, too."

But then she's pulling away from him and out of his grasp and _no, _Kate, don't go. He clings to her waist but she wriggles away and leaves him abandoned on the bed, aching for her.

"Kate?"

Kate backs away to the door frame. She looks like a deer trapped in headlights. He wants to dive in and save her.

"I can't-" She gestures between them, arms jerking with nerves. "This isn't- I'm here to save you, Castle. Nothing more. You don't need to know me. That's not true."

He keeps his mouth shut. He doesn't think she'll listen to a word he has to say.

Before she leaves, she gives him a soft smile over her shoulder. "You know where the study is. In case you want to continue writing that _mysterious_ idea of yours."

Ten minutes later he's down there, mapping his idea out on an A3 piece of paper since his pseudo-murderboard is still back at home.

Her copy of _Hell Hath No Fury _is suspiciously missing from the room.

* * *

Kate loses herself in his words, tucked up in bed in her own room with her battered copy of _Hell Hath No Fury_, taking a break from hunting down the elusive Mr Smith.

She can still remember the trace of Castle's tongue on her neck.

She imagines him painting her story there.


	11. Chapter 11

**heart so helpless**

**Ugh, I'm useless with updating. Sorry. This is just really difficult to write lately and I'm not exactly sure why. Thank you all for your positive comments on this fanfiction, they honestly fuel me for getting through difficult writing stages like this one. Also I've literally just written this and it's quarter to one in the morning here so my proofreading is probably terrible as I'm half-awake as I type this; sorry for any mistakes, and generally bad writing.  
**

* * *

They stayed separate for what seemed to be the rest of the day. Castle too busy writing away, absorbed as he normally was whenever he thought of a new idea, and Kate too busy investing herself in his older words; the ones he's writing over with words of her- the twist of her smile, the twinkle in her eye, the shine in her hair.

He changed his idea of Nikki as he wrote, of course. Since he'd learned that she was a cop, once, he'd changed her from CIA to Detective- Homicide. It had seemed fitting.

They'd seen each other once that day, after their yelling match. Castle had escaped to the bathroom and, as he was headed back to the study, caught sight of her leaving the kitchen with a class of orange juice in hand. She'd stopped, stared at him for a moment with intense eyes and he could've sworn he saw her throat bob as a blush rose to her cheeks.

"I'm still working on the guy looking for you. So you can go home as possible." She'd said, and without waiting for his answer, abruptly spun on her heels and rushed up the stairs.

He went back to the study and wrote about her- for her.

* * *

"Castle? _Castle."_

Castle feels a smooth, cool hand tracing patterns at the bottom of his back, another brushing away the hair that flops in front of his forehead. Lips by his ear; her lips, her voice, her.

He jolts awake immediately to the sound of her amused laughter, finding that he's fallen asleep at the desk, one piece of paper sticking to his face determinedly as he rises. Blearily, his hand reaches up to his face and tears the piece of paper away from his cheek. Once his hazy eyes focus he finds it's the plan he'd written earlier for Nikki Heat. Huh.

When he turns he finds Kate crouched beside him, eyes watching him with a tenderness that he didn't think she knew she was showing at that moment, but the way his heart dissolved at the sight prevented him from calling her out on it.

Perhaps it were selfish of him, but he would rather she look at him like that- as though he's the reason for the sudden light in her life, as though he hung the moon and the stars single-handedly just for her and set her night sky ablaze with a kaleidoscope of patterns of light- than acknowledge there's something there and she never look at him that way again. It's just too beautiful and he wants to cherish it, he needs to see it, all the time, because nobody has ever looked at him like that before aside from his daughter; and that had come from gratitude for him raising her, a childish idolization that all devoted daughters have on their fathers. But with Kate, it was different. Loving Alexis is just as easy for him as it is for her. With Kate; she's different, if that were the word to even begin to describe her. She's hard work. Though isn't he just the same? And she's guarded. But perhaps he is, too, since he's known betrayal from an early age of growing up fatherless. In fact, the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that more than anything, they are alike in their reluctance to trust. He has a huge heart, she does not, but that doesn't mean they're so different. Despite his huge heart, he knows the sting and absolute bitterness of betrayal. He's not so trusting anymore. Neither is she.

Something sticks in his throat, words that sound suspiciously too much like _I love you _that he wants to cry.

Because he doesn't possibly love her, does he? He's barely known her a day.

But then her hand reaches up to brush the hair out of his eyes, and he feels his heart stutter; a punishment for his absolute denial regarding his feelings for this extraordinary woman.

"You fell asleep, Castle. It's one am. You'll get a crick in your neck if you sleep like that."

Her voice is soft, warm, and he doesn't think twice.

He kisses her- easily, naturally. As though this were a thing they do all the time.

Kate neither shoves him away nor responds in kind. But when he reluctantly pulls away from her soft lips the tenderness in her green eyes hasn't left. She simply switches them to study the words on paper. "Nikki Heat, huh?" Her voice is ragged now, out of breath, and if the darkness in her eyes is anything to go by then he knows exactly why.

When he doesn't reply, her eyes find his again and she raises an eyebrow at him. It's probable that he finds that look more sexy than it is- but then again, what's not unbearably hot about this woman?

"Not Derrick Storm?" Kate murmurs.

Castle feels his own lips curve into a smile. "Kate," he laughs, "I know you're a fan."

Her eyes widen, panic flitting across her beautiful features. "Castle, I-"

"Don't even try to deny it, Kate. I saw your copy of _Hell Hath No Fury._ Only serious groupies have read that one." He teases her, enjoying the pink stain that tints her cheeks.

"I'm going to bed." She tells him sternly, but the smile on his face doesn't drop.

Kate smiles back at him shyly, and he wishes that the room were not so dimly light, but is grateful for the sliver of moonlight that sneaks through the open blinds of the windows and paints in her in silver. She glows, and it takes his breath away. So much so that when she leans forwards and presses a gentle kiss to his cheek, he cannot move, simply watches her go with his eyes studying every movement, every play of muscle, down to the small detail of the way her index finger taps against her left leg when she walks.

When he returns to his bedroom and looks in the mirror, he touches his hand to his face in astonishment.

The cheek she'd kissed.

It has the imprint of _Nikki Heat/Jameson Rook _on it.

* * *

Their routine stays this way for a couple of days- him writing, falling asleep at the desk, whilst she reads his words and hunts down the man that wants him dead. They don't see each other often, and it's a little slow to get through the days with such a small amount of interaction, but the time they do spend together is time well spent. He's seducing her slowly, after all. Receives lingering looks when he tucks the stray strands of her hair behind her ears; lets his hand brush across her waist when they dance around each other in the kitchen rummaging for food; finds a soft spot on her neck that makes her knees buckle when he presses a hot, open mouth kiss to it.

Though not all of it is fun and games. His phone calls to Alexis are tiring. Leaves him with headaches and forces him to lay in the same spot of his bed for hours, simply staring blankly up at the off-white ceiling. His daughter sounds so sad. So tired. He idly wonders if she's disappointed in him.

Kate grows increasingly agitated as the days drag on. She keeps questioning him about anything related to her being hired for him. _Have you upset anybody recently? Noticed anybody following you recently? What's your strangest encounter with a fan ever been? _All of his answers are useless, of course. Although she hadn't ever expected him to be a fountain of knowledge, she'd expected the slightest amount of awareness from him. Apparently he's as clueless as she is about this perplexing situation.

She hates not knowing.

Her whole life revolves around her hate of _not knowing._

"Kate?"

His hand tangles with hers- she hasn't even realized it, but she's been scrabbling at her shirt to get to the ring underneath in her unfocused state of mind.

She doesn't bother pulling her hand away from his. Despite her reluctance, these past few days he's been wearing her down slowly, so much so that she doesn't mind him pushing her boundaries so much anymore. Though only physically, at most, she supposes. She refuses point blank to speak about her past with him and he doesn't try to push too much, though she's had to give him more than a fair share of angry looks to get him to back off. Seems this guy can get pretty obsessive with certain ideas; like this idea of a a detective Nikki Heat. She's not stupid. She knows he's writing about her.

The thought sends a shiver through her even as her toes curl in delight and a warmth pools in her stomach.

"Kate."

His voice cuts through her voice again and she snaps back to the real world, slowly.

"I-" She's not quite sure what to do once she's recollected herself, standing alone with him in her kitchen, holding hands.

"Are you okay?" He asks caringly, cupping her cheek with one hand.

Gentle- He's so, gentle. Just gentle. His hands, large hands that look as though they could do damage, are so soft on her skin. She knows they'll never harm her. She can feel the way he loves her with the shortest of touches.

That's half the problem. They way he loves her through his words and his touch. He's got her all wrong: Painted her out to be this extraordinary hero who's out to save the day and is in the road back to forgiveness, headed towards some form of resolution that causes her to give up this life. He writes her like she's a saint, as though every word she breathes is magic, and every smile she sends to him is electric. He touches her like she is beautiful, as though she doesn't have blood on her hands and she's the woman she used to be before her Mom was murdered so, so long ago.

"I'm fine." She lies.

Kate knows Castle doesn't believe her.

She escapes back to her room. She's good at that, hiding.

* * *

Castle wakes at the bizarre hour of half three in the morning. He tries to screw his eyes shut and go back to sleep, but no amount of willing makes it happen. He lies there for a good twenty minutes before he finally gives in and leaves the warmth of his bed, deciding that writing will help him fall back to sleep. At least it seems to make him sleepy anyhow, if the amount of times Kate has woken him up at the desk over these past six days is any proof of evidence.

Only when he's made it halfway to the study, he notices a light on outside the house that shouldn't be there. It hasn't been there before at this hour, and this is usually the time he's slinking back off to bed from the study, rubbing his aching neck as he does so.

Castle resolves to going out there to switch the outside light off, only he doesn't find what he expects to.

Instead of a forgotten light, he finds Kate Beckett in the pool. Body barely covered by anything, just scraps of fabric tied together at the edges of her body. That really is an itsy bitsy bikini.

He watches her, transfixed, startled, and aroused all at the same time. The play of her muscles with each stroke, the way she practically glides through the water without making any noise nor a splash, all of that skin she has on show and he can _see _it, _touch _it if he had the nerve to walk over to the pool right now.

But damn. Her legs are so long, so powerful, and he briefly finds himself wondering what those legs would feel like wrapped around his waist, as her fingers dug into his back and left crescent marks, mouth falling open to let out a breathy moan as-

Oh.

She's stopped now. She seems to register the fact that he's here.

She slows to a stop at the side of the pool he's standing, and he's fairly certain the way her body practically slides through the water is completely on purpose on her part. There's no way such a sensual move could be accidental, not when she arches so that her hands can grip the side of the pool and lift her slowly onto her elbows, revealing a dripping wet Kate to her shoulders. With hooded, dark eyes that stir things inside of him that he hadn't even been aware he could feel.

Oh boy, is he in way too deep.


	12. Chapter 12

**heart so helpless**

**As always, thank you so much for your positive comments. Especially regarding the last chapter. I honestly didn't like that one, but the response was awesome. Thank you.  
**

* * *

"Couldn't sleep?" She asks him, though it sounds more like a purr as the words fall from her luscious lips.

Castle blinks of at her blearily, all of a sudden very aware and self conscious of the fact he's simply dressed in his rumbled pajamas whilst she's dressed in a very sexy, very red bikini. He pulls at the bottom of his top and runs an embarrassed hand through his messy hair, wincing.

"Eh, no." He answers, taking a few steps closer to the pool. "You?"

Kate smiles slowly, and he watches the way it spreads and slowly lights her face, tints amusement in her green eyes. "Obviously not. Why else would I be swimming at 3am?" She teases, pink tongue caught between her teeth.

He stares, transfixed, before slowly lowering himself to sitting cross-legged before her. She leans back slightly as he does, eyes a little wider than necessary, but by the time he's sat down on the tiles surrounding the pool she's settled back to how she was before, looking comfortable as ever at his proximity. All of his smooth moves from these past 6 days and he's not quite sure how to say it; how to try and tell her that she is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen and he often wonders how she'll look beneath him, writhing, as his lips write passion and lust and love on her smooth skin.

"Not getting anywhere with the guy who's after me, huh?" He says instead, letting his eyes roam away from her to study the reflection of the water on the windows.

"No," she murmurs softly, and he startles when he feels a wet hand wrap around his wrist, a thumb stroking circles on his skin.

Once again, he finds himself just studying her. And he's content enough with that. Watching the way her hair clings to her face as it drips with water, highlighting her cheekbones, the darkness of her hair contrasting with the cream of her skin. He wonders what that skin feels like there; if she'll ever allow him to touch it properly- Touch her. Learn her. He wants to- Oh, he wants to.

But it's not all he wants. He wants her in the very literal sense but then the also just _wants _her. He's spent six days with her here now and he likes to think that he knows her, in some way, in ways others haven't tried to know her in so long. And he wants more. He wants her to stay a permanent fixture in his life- He thinks that he can help her get there. Because he can still see the flame of something more in her eyes; he can still see the determination of a cop when she tries to figure out the puzzle; he can still see a trapped, lost little girl still grieving for a parent trapped in the shell of a lonely woman.

"I'll get you back to your daughter soon." She tells him softly.

"I know."

* * *

Kate rests her head on her arm, shuddering slightly when he tilts his wrist so that they're palm-to-palm, hands kissing when he twines his fingers with hers and squeezes reassuringly.

"My Mom..." She mumbles, lips trembling so much she can't finish the sentence.

He sits and waits patiently as she works through it, frowning against the sudden tears she feels working their way into her eyes, breathing deep and harsh as she clenches her jaw. Strong. She needs to be strong.

It's just- She's never told anyone about this before. She told the therapist in order to get through it; but everyone else- They heard about it. Read the file. Spread gossip through the precinct as she made it up to detective, youngest female detective in New York, the whispers of _poor girl, poor crazy girl, _and how they pitied her for it; for her dad; for her dependence on Royce, especially after he had left her with no good reason why.

But Castle deserves to know. Castle deserves this because he needs to know how he's idolizing her in the wrong way. He's making her into something that she's not. And he deserves to know her _truly. _Because it's the story he's interested in and she's left so many gaps, and he's trying to fill them in through his writing and she knows that he's not right. He needs the real story, not a make believe. She is not a hero. She will never be a hero. This- whatever it is she's doing for him doesn't change a thing.

* * *

"When you asked if I'd lost a parent, you were right." She admits.

He startles at the confession, at the honesty, at the low, sad tones to her voice. This is surreal- She's still in the pool looking like the physical embodiment of sexuality and suddenly he's feeling pity for her?

"It was my Mom." She murmurs, pulling his hand close so she can kiss his knuckles, continues her story by breathing it into his skin. "I was 19. My Dad and I, we were out for a meal, and she didn't turn up. We didn't think anything of it."

Kate chuckles lowly, shoulders slouching, and with his free hand he reaches up to tangle his hands through her wet hair, cradle her skull in his large hand. She leans into his touch, sighing, and he doesn't mind that she's getting his arm wet; he doesn't mind at all.

"We got home and there was a detective- Raglan... My Mom had been stabbed." Kate barely whispers, almost simply mouthing the words.

His heart stays still in his chest for a moment before it sinks, low, like an anchor and resides somewhere down in his stomach. His mouth open to say something, anything, but closes without a word. He's not quite sure what to do anymore. This is not the story that he had written for her in his mind; this changes everything.

But her green eyes are wet with imprisoned tears, and he no longer cares about how this changes the story.

He just cares about her.

"Kate..." He sighs.

She releases his hand and untangles his other from her hair, and suddenly she's dragging herself up out of the pool and onto the side, half-naked and wet and shivering and she just looks so lost and alone and frightened that he doesn't stop to think when he reaches out and grabs her around the waist, pulls her shivering form into his lap and lets her curl into his chest.

Castle's soaked through, now, but he doesn't care. Doesn't care at all. He pulls her closer into his body, and she clings to him around his neck, fingers toying with the ends of his hair.

"I'm not a good person, Castle. I've done so many bad things." She whispers into his neck, jerking when he simply squeezes her tight.

"You are, you are." He chants, closing his eyes and blocking out the sound of her whimper.

"I joined the force because they never caught her killer, they never cared, they just said- gang violence." Her voice hitches and she hiccups, curling her fingers tighter in his hair. "I manipulated that job so badly, Castle. I was sinking, I was sinking so much- And then my captain, oh, God, my _captain-"_

"Stop." He orders.

She freezes, "What?"

"_Stop._"

Kate pulls away, staring up at him with red-rimmed eyes, mouth slack in shock.

"No, Castle, you need to know- Need to understand-"

"Stop, stop." He orders, hands rising to cup her cheeks, thumb tracing her lips.

Some part of him is yelling at him. Because here it is. Here's her _story. _She's giving it to him without any hesitation, showing him the truth he's so greedily demanded from her.

But- The look on her face. So lost and broken and fragile. It is killing him to watch her live through her memories again, and he can't do that to her. He can't cause her more pain. She looks so small in his arms.

"Castle-"

She's not listening, and he doesn't want to listen anymore, and she is so beautiful, and he is so completely clueless as to what to do.

So he captures her lips with his, swallows her gasp with his mouth and his tongue and delights in the way that her wet body presses into him with the arch of her spine. Lets his fingers travel down and make contact with the bare skin around her waist, tracing patterns into her skin as her own fingers release his neck, trail down and ghost the outlines of his chest through his shirt.

She rises onto her knees above him, breaking contact with his mouth, and he loses himself in the sight of the dark arousal swirling in her eyes. Loses himself there because he's never seen it there before, not in these eyes, not with this woman, and he loves it. Loves her. Oh, God, he_ loves_ her.

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"Yes, I do."

Her hands trail down and play with the hem of his pajama top, smirking. "Castle."

"Kate."

She's a goddess.

* * *

Kate stares down at him, the adorable aroused yet completely caught off guard look on his face, his swollen lips, mussed hair. He's- He's gorgeous. And so forgiving of her, and she doesn't deserve it, none of it.

But she _wants _to deserve it.

"Let me go, Castle."

His hands stop tracing patterns on her waist.

"What?"

"Let me go."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to bed. You should do the same."

"Yeah, see, I was thinking we could go together-"

Kate twists his ear, laughing halfheartedly at the way he jumps and groans in pain. He releases her waist at the same time she releases his ear and she slips from his waist with a small grin, climbing to her feet and away from him before she can do something stupid.

It's just- His hands are so large- And he's so good at kissing that she can't help but wonder what other talents that mouth of his has, and-

_Stop it, Kate._

She runs a hand through her wet hair and moves into the house.

* * *

He watches her, all the long lines and curves and shapes of her, as she walks away. Long legs and swinging hips, bare skin slick with water from the pool. Water he's currently covered in.

And, her rules be damned; her _issues b_e damned, he goes after her.


	13. Chapter 13

**heart so helpless**

**I _almost _didn't write this tonight because of the amount of schoolwork I had. However, 2 English Literature essays and 2 English Language pieces of coursework later, I am writing this from the early grave my sixth form is driving me into. I love you guys too much to deny you more after the way things ended in the last chapter. **

**This chapter is especially dedicated to Dockidou on Twitter for being awesome and filling me with happiness over this fic. Seriously. You rock.  
**

* * *

Kate sighs, grabbing a towel from the rail on the wall, wrapping it around herself as she walks through the house to protect her skin from the sudden chill that overwhelms her. Or is it loss? She misses Castle's fingers on her skin, blazing fire through her veins and igniting in her heart. But- No. She's better to walk away. Especially with what she's going to have to ask him to do soon since she's so useless at finding this guy.

She doesn't hear Castle approaching.

Not until he takes hold of her arm.

* * *

In retrospect, he realizes it had always been a bad idea.

He'd done this once- 6 days ago in his own home, and he knew what happened. When she was grabbed when she shouldn't be grabbed, unaware and walking away. Hidden away in her own mind. So honestly, he knew the consequences, knew that he'd only wind up with an sore back and a spinning room as he suddenly found himself on the ground. Except his mind hadn't exactly been thinking logically, instead some form of caveman blinded by raw lust had burst free and he'd chased after her, planning on spinning her into his arms, pulling her into a scorching kiss that made her knees buckle and her reservations were forgotten.

Only, of course, that doesn't go according to plan.

His fingertips have only just brushed the hairs of her arms when she's spinning smoothly around, a leg rising to kick him in the chest as she twists his arm. He goes sprawling to the ground, Kate landing above him once again with a knee on his chest, glaring at him this time.

They're silent for a moment, before Kate breaks into soft laughter. "Damn, Castle." She sighs, stroking his cheek lightly with the tips of her fingers and sending shivers down his spine. "You scared me."

"I noticed." He replies, voice carefully low.

Kate releases his twisted arm, helps him sit up and briefly rubs the small of his back as she does. He stares at her with something akin to awe. Wondering how she can change from ninja to tender-hearted woman in the blink of an eye. It's disorientating, to say the least, but he likes the challenge of keeping up with her. It's refreshing. And she's extraordinary. And he really wishes he could kiss her right now.

* * *

The man just doesn't give up, does he?

Kate finds herself rubbing her fingers in soothing circles at the small of his back before she realizes what it is that she's doing, and gathers herself to remain composed, quickly snatching her fingers away and allowing them to fall into her lap.

A blush rises to her cheeks slowly when she catches the way he's looking at her. He's looking at her in that _way _he does. That way that makes her feel a better person than she is; a way that makes he feel as though she's the innocent 19 year old version of herself; a way that makes her feel weak and vulnerable and exposed for all to see.

"Why are you doing this?" She asks in a whisper.

His eyes focus on hers, unrelenting, when he replies. "Doing what, Kate?"

_Loving me._

She reaches out for him and curls a hand around his shoulder, thumb digging into his collarbone. "Paying attention to me like I'm more than who I am."

Something shifts in his eyes, something uncurls into determination and he reaches forward, cradling her cheeks as he rests his forehead against hers. She tightens her grip on his shoulder before she drifts too far into worry, absentmindedly wondering when it was he became her anchor when the bad thoughts came to her plague her in her darkest times.

"Because you _are _more than who you believe you are, Kate." He whispers reverently.

Her heart pounds so loudly in her chest that she's afraid it's going to fall out from there altogether.

* * *

He waits patiently, watching the play of emotions skittering about in her eyes, like she's unsure whether to believe his most honest truth or not.

Her hands tremble as she reaches up and wraps them around his wrists, and he sighs at the contact, content. This is more than he could have ever hoped for from Kate. She's extraordinary and wonderful and it is killing him to see her doubt herself so much, but he is ever so glad that- out of anyone in the world it could've been- he is the one here to show her the truth of her beauty, the depths of her strength; her hidden heart.

"Castle." She sighs, lips inches away from his, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. "I've _killed _people. I was supposed to kill _you._"

It hurts. Hurts to know that this is who she is, a woman who's secretly afraid of letting anyone close, anyone near her- but most importantly, afraid of herself, all of her mistakes, everything that adds up to create her. He wants to help her build herself back up again. He knows that this isn't who she is, or who she belongs to be. If he could give her the world, he would.

But he can only give her this.

"You didn't though, Kate." He says, "You chose the good path."

Kate's breath stutters for a moment, grip tightening on his wrists. "I chose you." She whispers, trembling. "And you terrify me."

It's all too much at once and he's fairly certain that he's going to explode, that surely the worlds that had spilled from her lips were just his imaginings, that in honesty the wetness in her eyes was from a ghost of a her past and not because of him. Surely. He's not expected this from her. He's not expected to mean so much to her. He just wants her to see how much she can be, he wants her to see what he can see.

He wonders what she can see in him.

Castle swallows back the tears that clog in his throat, lets his lips ghost over hers for a fraction of a second. Delights in how she sighs into the kiss comfortably, no longer resisting.

"I won't hurt you." He promises.

He's shocked when Kate laughs against his lips, presses a light kiss there when she notices the hurt look crossing his face.

"That's not half the problem, Castle." She says. "I can't promise I won't hurt you."

"I don't mind." He says immediately because, honestly? He doesn't. He doesn't mind at all.

"You should."

"But I don't."

* * *

He's so endearingly frustrating with his loyalty to her. It makes her burn with anger when he ignores her warnings, but some selfish part deep inside of her is pleased that he does. Some selfish part of her wishes that he'll continue to ignore her warnings, that he'll push past her barriers and her walls persistently, because she doesn't quite think she'd mind all too much having him around for what she's never let herself hope is forever.

She pulls away from him slightly to stare at him, and she enjoys simply watching him watch her, a thrill running through her at the way he studies her.

Kate wonders what it is he writes about her.

One of the hands wrapped around his wrist tugs his hand away from her face, whilst the other shoves her towel away. She watches the way his eyes bulge, knows exactly where his mind is going when she tugs his hands towards his chest. Smirks at the knowledge that it's not what he thinks, though there's something sad hiding behind her smirk.

She presses his hand against the scar between her breasts, from the gunshot wound 6 years ago that had torn her life apart.

For a moment, she can't think about him, how he's reacting to this whole scenario. Because the weight of his palm against her scar, heavy to hold but warmth all the same, makes her feel lighter all of a sudden, carefree. As though she's been keeping a secret she hasn't even been aware that she was keeping.

In that moment, she doesn't think she'd be so against keeping him around forever.

* * *

The skin is bumpy beneath his palm, and he curls his fingers around the spot between her breasts, studying the ridged pattern of the skin and trying to figure what it could be.

"Kate." He breathes, watching the way something light travels to her eyes and they haze out. "Is this-?"

"A bullet scar."

He forgets how to breathe.

Yet his mind is racing with a thousand questions.

"It happened 6 years ago." She tells him plainly, reciting the facts as though they bore her. But he can see beyond that, see the true fear in the downward curl of her lips as she talks about it. "I- I was at my Captain's funeral, he'd..." She hesitates, eyes flickering away from him. "Been killed on the job, I suppose."

She's lying.

She's lying but he can't bring himself to force the truth from her, because she's already giving him so much as it is. He fears that pushing too far will force her back into her lonely prison of a mind again.

"I was talking, and then there- I don't _know. _Suddenly it hurt. It _hurt _so much and..." Kate takes a moment to breathe, and he brushes away a stray tear with the pad of his thumb. It's all he can do to comfort her, for now, and it saddens him immensely.

But he'll let her work through his. Because he doesn't think she's ever spoken to anyone about this before, and he feels privileged enough as it is that she's chosen him, yet heartbroken by the fact she's not had anyone to turn to for _six years._

"And I could just see the sky. It was so blue. It was so calm. And I didn't feel calm at all, I felt so, I-" Her hands scrabble for the towel again, shoves it away completely and moves his hands to the surgical scars on her sides.

He can feel his heart breaking in his chest.

"And I woke up and I had all these scars, and they told me I'd been shot, and I didn't understand anything. I didn't understand how nobody had noticed the sniper was there. I didn't understand why nobody had even _tried_ to save me. I didn't understand why they didn't feel I was worth saving."

Her wide, vulnerable eyes turn to him, and he sees a fragile question hidden within their depths. _Will you still love me in spite of all these broken things?_

_Yes, _he wants to say, _always._

Instead his mouth descends on hers.

* * *

He fills her up with joy and hope and all these wonderful, euphoric feelings she hasn't felt since the day she came home to find her Mom had left her life forever.

She lets him pick her up, winds her legs around his waist and squeezes, chuckling lowly at the growl he releases.

She doesn't exactly know how he manages it, since her mind is foggy with lust and all this pleasure filling up inside of her is threatening to spill over, but he manages to get them up the stairs towards his room. Though they stop occasionally, him pressing her against the wall as she mewls, scrabbling at his shoulders madly as their lips, tongue and teeth battle with each other.

And then somehow she's lying on his bed and he's there, above her and hovering, studying her with dark eyes that promise they'll never hurt her.

It's the first time she's believed it in what feels like forever.

"Castle." She pants, chest heaving, one arm wrapping up around his neck to bring him crashing down on her.

"I know, I know." He says, and she doesn't know what they're agreeing to anymore, or why there are suddenly hot, wet tears in her eyes.

But she knows that she's never been happier.


	14. Chapter 14

**heart so helpless**

**I love you all. So much. Thank you. Also, sorry that this is ridiculously shorter than the rest of the chapters, but I find that my words won't come recently. I'm trying to work through it, but I have quite a few personal problems right now. So either my updates will become shorter or infrequent. Though, it depends on which you guys would prefer. Short updates or infrequent ones?  
**

* * *

The room is bathed from the yellow light sneaking in through the windows, painting the curls of her hair gold, colouring in the forgotten shadows from the content lines of her face. Her fingers curl around his wrist, resting above the reassuring drumbeat of his heart, smiling shyly in her sleep into his shoulder with their legs tangled together.

He cannot stop watching her.

He knows that he should go to sleep. The sun had been rising when they'd eventually finished their- activities, so to speak. (Damn, she was a _wildcat _in bed, with just the right amount of tenderness). It's golden now, much like her hair, and his eyes are drooping but he fights to keep them wide open to drink her in despite his body all but collapsing.

It's just- She's so gorgeous. She is _snuggling _into his shoulder. Kate Houghton Beckett, cold, badass assassin, is _snuggling._

And he's just so head over heels in love with her and overwhelmed by these dramatic turn of events that he needs to take a moment and just appreciate it all.

"Castle." Kate murmurs all of a sudden, softly though, eyelids fluttering.

He jolts in surprise and she chuckles into his shoulder before pressing a light kiss there. "Go to sleep." She tells him, thumb stroking across the pulse point of his wrist. Can she feel it pounding?

"Can't." He manages to strangle out, entranced by her and only her, only ever her.

"Why?" Kate's eyes open and her stunning green eyes find his, frowning in concern at him. "Castle, if that's not enough to wear you out, then I_ really _don't know what is."

Castle flushes immediately at the mention of their recent activities. How on Earth had he ever managed to play the part of a playboy? This woman renders him completely speechless.

"No, it's not-" He's tongue-tied, lost in her, in everything. Is this dreaming? "I just... Are you going to be here when I wake up?"

Kate only frowns harder at him, running her fingers lightly along his jaw. "Of course. Where else would I be?"

"I don't mean in your house. I mean _here. _Next to me. I- I'm not just gonna wake up and find that you're going to deny this ever happened, or that you believe it was all a mistake, a lapse of judgement? Because, please, Kate, I don't think I could stand that."

Kate's quiet for a moment, fingers suddenly disappearing from his jaw and he misses them instantly, even as she lies down on his chest and her breathing tickles against his skin. In the silence, her soft breathing is the only thing that he can hear, but judging from where she lays he can safely assume that she can hear the rapid pounding of his heart. So fast and heavy it feels as though it's going to break free from the prison of his body.

"Yes."

It's the only thing she says, or more accurately sighs, in the fragile silence.

"Yes?"

"Yes, Castle.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

She rests her chin on his chest, watching him carefully, something alike to sympathy in her eyes. "It's okay not to believe me, Castle." She tells him gently. "I don't quite trust myself."

He doesn't believe her.

But he runs his hands through her gorgeous hair, and thinks about how that hair looks splayed out on the pillow as he rises above her, how she's let him see that side of her, the arch of her back, the way she bites her lips almost hard enough to break the skin as she teeters on the brink of pleasure. These are the sides of her that he has no doubt she'd ever thought about allowing him to see, the parts of her that she's even forgotten because it's been so long since she's ever allowed herself to be happy. And for some reason, that makes it all okay.

If he wakes up and she's not here, it's somehow all okay.

He wants to tell her he loves her. Loves the way her body aligns with his, the spill of her hair over her shoulders, the hazel swirl of her eyes. Loves the way she jokes with him, the way she adores him in a secret way she keeps hidden, the compassion and drive of her heart.

Instead he allows his weary bones to relax, presses a tender kiss to her forehead.

"It's okay." He assures her.

It is.

* * *

When she wakes, there's a hand splayed on the small of her back, anchoring her to a warm body. Her arms are in an awkward position, one trapped beneath a heavy weight while the other lays flat on skin that isn't hers, but feels achingly familiar.

She gathers her bearings when her eyes flutter open against the brightness of the day, finds the hand anchoring to a body is Castle's, and she can't help the small smile that briefly grows on her lips even as she attempts to wiggle her hand from where it's wedged itself beneath the curve of his spine. This isn't what she'd expected. She's not even quite sure when she fell into this; some version of herself that allowed herself to finally feel something other than sadness and anger, allowed Castle to get past the walls she puts up. Not completely- but almost.

Strangely, she finds that she doesn't mind.

"Castle." She murmurs lightly, tracing patterns into his skin.

He stirs, and it's adorable, the way his nose scrunches and his eyes flutter.

_"Castle."_ She says again, by his ear this time, allows her teeth to graze the shell of his ear as she does. He shudders in response.

Finally, one eye cracks open, blearily studies her before snapping shut again. She can't prevent the laugh that tumbles from her at the action.

This is the kind of man she could love.

"Kate." He slurs. "S'early."

She chuckles, glancing at the bedside clock. "Castle, it's 1pm. Though I'm not surprised, what with the time we actually got to sleep."

His eyes open and stay that way this time, drinking her in with a smile. She flashes him a dopey smile, unable to help herself. This feels right and real and natural. Who cares if she's only known him 6 days, if their time together is limited? She'd always been so careful with her life, living by her rules she'd set herself after her Mom had been murdered. They were so restricting, especially of her happiness, of her capability to ever grow fond of another human being. Perhaps it were time to finally break those rules. She doesn't think she'd mind breaking them with him.

"So..." Castle says, that smile not leaving his face.

Kate crosses the small gap between their grinning lips and presses hers to his in what seems a chaste kiss compared to the intense kisses they'd shared just hours before in the very same bed.

They kiss lazily for a few minutes, and she enjoys the way that he's already learned the ins and outs of her mouth, how to make her gasp or shiver or crave for more. His desire for the details is astounding, and she adores it. Though she returns the favor easily, through the few ways she'd noted his breathing change or stutter last night, like when she tugged on his lower lip with her teeth. Swept her tongue across the spot in order to soothe it.

When they pull apart and she feels his breath whisper across her lips, she feels a pang of regret deep in her heart for letting him get this close. She's going to have to break his trust later this very day.

But she can give him this, she thinks. She can give him the softness of her skin and her lips and the newly awakened thoughts in her mind that she tries to organize like scraps of paper in the wind.

She can give him this.


	15. Chapter 15

**heart so helpless**

**Late update, I know, I'm so sorry. I think the writers block with this is slowly passing though. Hopefully. Once again, thank you all so much. You have no idea how happy you guys and your comments make me! Collective group hug for being awesome.  
**

* * *

Her hand is hovering over her old Glock.

She doesn't even remember bringing it with her. When had she picked it up?

Kate closes her eyes and lets her fingers slide over the cool metal, the long forgotten feel of her old service weapon familiarizing itself with the skin of her hand.

Huh. It's heavier than she remembers.

When her eyes open again she finds herself staring at her trembling hands, fingers flexing around the trigger. It's- strange. This gun, that she hasn't used in the six years since the day her life had titled on its axis, feels right. Real. And it shouldn't. This is dangerous, using this gun, there were reasons that she had to leave it behind. Very important, very dangerous reasons.

But she's already leaving enough, surely she can take at least one thing of sentimental value with her?

Kate tucks her gun into the holster that's strapped beneath her arm. Breathes in. Out. Closes her eyes and tries to settle her racing heart.

The man in her bed snuffles slightly in his deep sleep, and she can't prevent the watery giggle that escapes from her trembling lips. He's kind of adorable in his own way, she thinks as she stands and studies him. He's knocked out from yet another enthusiastic round of incredible lovemaking (really, Kate? It's just _sex, _nothing more).

Kate crouches beside the bed, level with him. She can feel his breath fanning over her lightly and she reaches up to run her fingers through his mussed hair. Strokes a thumb across the back of his head as she cradles his skull in her palm, not at all heavier than the heart in her chest. It feels like it's the only thing that's anchoring her onto reality, as though she'll loose her footing without it there to hold her down.

She sighs, leaning over and pressing a tender kiss to his forehead. Lingers for a lot longer than she should, eyes screwed tight as she fights the tears. Her heart all but breaks free of its confines when he leans into her touch subconsciously, his hand reaching up to stroke across her arm softly before he finally settles back into his slumber. Peaceful. Innocent. Unaware.

"I'm sorry, Castle." She breathes, lips brushing against his skin and making her shiver. She prays he can hear her, wherever his dreams have taken him, and that he believes her. Because it's true. So true.

"I'm so sorry."

Before she can regret it a moment too soon and lets her heart get the better of her, Kate slips her hand out from beneath his head and her lips leave his skin.

Kate leaves the house without a glance backwards, tears burning like fire in her eyes.

* * *

The first thing he registers is that the bed is too cold to be inhabited by another body.

The next thing he registers, as his sleep-filled eyes struggle to open and his hand reaches out to find her, is that the room is far too dim for it to be daytime anymore. Most likely the evening.

His hands fist in the sheets; finding nothing but the shadow imprint of her, long gone.

"Kate?" He croaks, perplexed.

She had mentioned that it was okay not to believe her, that she didn't quite believe she'd be there herself, yet there had been something akin to determination in her eyes as she'd said it. He had just thought, perhaps, there could have been a chance.

But- it's okay. They can talk about this, right?

Castle falls out of the bed, tripping over several haphazardly littered items of clothing, before stumbling across his own. He pulls a pair of boxers on as well as his pyjama bottoms, opting out of wearing a shirt. They're far past modesty now, anyway. He's fairly certain he'll have a hickey or two on the slope where his neck meets his shoulder, or possibly crescent-shaped marks by his shoulder blades. It wouldn't surprise him at all.

"Kate?" He calls through the empty hallways, endless corridors for her to be hidden around the corner.

"Kate?" He calls again, but once more there's no reply. Only his own voice echoing back at him, empty.

"Kate!"

He passes her room, hesitates, but decides it's safe not to enter there. Even if she were in there, that place was off limits, out of bounds. He's fairly certain that she'd stop protecting his life if he even dared think about it. The look in her eyes when she'd told him he could never go in there had been deadly serious.

"Kate!"

He hurries down the stairs, taking them two at a time as his heart begins to make itself known in his chest, tight and making it hard to breathe.

Castle searches every room there is.

She's not in the kitchen; humming and cooking as he remembers. She's not in the pool; working out her stress through the rhythmic strokes of the water. She's not in any of the various sitting rooms; curled up by a fire with one of his books, a secret fan. She's not in the study; reading his Nikki Heat plans with a smirk on her lips. She's not in the library; fingers lovingly stroking the spines of her favourite books.

Panicked as he is, he even tries the beach. Searches by the sand for the high angles of her cheekbones, the flare of her hips, the shine of her hair.

There's- nothing.

She's just... gone.

"Kate." He sighs, crumbling to dust as he stands there alone, watching the long gone sunset and remembering the way that it had once shone life into her eyes.

* * *

Outside the house he discovers that her car is now gone. Can almost picture the way that she had no regrets as she'd left him for as good as dead. He had no idea where in the Hamptons it was that Kate had brough him too, and he certainly has no mode of transport. He remembers, from the route to the place, that it was a secluded house. No other houses easily accessible by foot. But then again, could he ever trust anyone around here again? Could he ever trust a stranger with the same trust he had just a week ago?

He could call Alexis. But what if Kate's simply gone for a drive? She'd freaked out about sleeping with him (multiple times) and needed some time alone?

But she would've said something, right? So that he wouldn't freak out. After all, according to her, there were people who would pay a large amount of money for his head on a plate. He's still not quite sure as to why.

"Dammit, Kate." He murmurs, running a tired hand through his hair as he pushes the front door open and enters the house.

It's... Surprisingly lonely. He's enjoyed her presence; despite the fact that she had spent the majority of their time together crouched over a laptop, munching on snacks with a furrowed brow. Somehow just her being there had been enough, at least. Castle's not exactly used to being alone, he'd always been surrounded by loud women. He'd always had some form of company. Whether it be his ex-wife Meredith, his mother Martha, or his beloved daughter Alexis. He'd never truly been alone before. Not since his younger childhood days.

He misses her so intensely and it's been a matter of minutes since he had found out that she's betrayed him- or, at least, that's what he can summarize from this whole situation. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't want to protect him anymore, put her life on the line for his.

But that goes against everything that he had believed she was. What he still does believe she is, really. He can't forget the sadness in her eyes, the way that they practically screamed of her terrible isolation, of the loss of her mother, her tragic background, surviving a bullet wound to the heart only to have no-one care about her. He can't forget the way that she smiled at him, so wide and large, almost as though her face were going to split in half with the amount of happiness she felt around him, the secret side she tried to hide but simply couldn't. He can't forget the way that she had touched him, with reverent traces of her fingers, her tongue, her teeth as she wrapped herself around him and trembled beneath his own touch, as though the pair of them together was the closest to Heaven that she would ever reach.

She'd just been so _real._

Castle closes his eyes and falls down into one of the various couches scattered throughout the house, head leaning back as he wonders what to do. She'll come back, right? She has to. Can't she feel it too? The ache deep down in the very pits of his heart, his stomach, that feel like they're turning inside out at the thought that she may have betrayed him this way.

"Mr Castle."

Castle's head jerks up, his eyes opening wide when he sees a dominating figure standing in the door way. Square-jawed, ice-cold eyes, and-

Castle feels all of the air escape him.

A gun aimed at him.

"It's over, Mr Castle." The man tells him, and Castle doesn't understand, because what has he possibly done to warrant this?

But he's too paralyzed with shock to argue, allows his eyes to fall shuts and prays- God, how he prays- somehow Alexis will make it through his death, that Kate will be able to live with the guilt, and, more importantly, more than anything he's ever wanted anyone to know in the entire history of all of his words, he hopes that they know he loves them with all of his heart.


	16. Chapter 16

**heart so helpless**

**From the very bottom of my unworthy heart: Thank you.  
**

* * *

Castle has never once been a man of faith. From a young age he has known that the sacrifice and loss in life is too large in its number for there ever to be an omnipresent, omnipotent mystical spirit above them all. Life would surely not cause so much pain if there were someone so all-forgiving and so great. Not at all. Humans would not turn to murder like mere animals consumed by blood lust and the ones he loved would not break his heart in two.

But for one glorious moment, he is certain he can see Heaven.**  
**

Because suddenly he's falling out of the chair, shrouded from the shooter when he lands behind the coffee table that's arranged just in front of the chair. And somehow, he is staring up at Kate Beckett, and she is looking back at him, and she is _so_ beautiful.

Kate's eyes are wide with something that looks like surprise or possibly anger, lacing throughout the several complex and weaving shades of green in her eyes. Her body is pressed into his, arms braced above his shoulders as her chest heaves with exertion. And if this is Heaven, he doesn't think he minds admitting to being wrong in his beliefs. He doesn't mind at all.

She doesn't say a word, and then suddenly she is clambering from his body, shoving him back down when he attempts to follow her lead. He's completely disorientated, finds the room spinning sickeningly as she crouches behind the coffee table, arms locking in position and pointing a gun at the man in the doorway. Vaguely, he thinks that he can register the loud pops that explode inside his ear drums, reminiscent to some sort of bullet sound. Are there bullet shots? Is this real? Is she really back?

Why does she keep saving saving his life if she doesn't want him in hers at all?

He tries to push up again, flinching when he hears the sound of bullets of flying around him, mostly flying free from Kate's own gun. Her eyes are narrowed, unrelenting and furious as she pulls the trigger over and over again with no hint of remorse. And in this position, in this expression that she's been masking all along and the absolute malice he finds there, he sees for the first time the assassin that he had been struggling to find within her all along; the woman that opposed the dream of which he'd molded her; the reality which absolutely conquered his fantasies like some unforgiving beast.

"Castle, get down!" She yells, ducking beneath the table again.

It's the shock that forces him to stay stuck still, transfixed on her. Kate grabs his shoulders and yanks him down just in time for a bullet to skim past his ear. Missing by mere millimeters.

"Dammit, Castle." She hisses at him between the gunshots, eyes wild with fire. "What were you thinking? You _idiot_."

That last past doesn't sound as though it's directed towards him.

"Me?" He almost-yells anyway, feeling the bitter betrayal rise into his corrupted lungs once again. "What the hell were _you _thinking by leaving in the first place?!"

"I was trying to _protect _you, you ungrateful ass." She snarls, turning once again to shoot at the man in the doorway.

She must almost be out of bullets. He knows her tell. The look on her face screams of terror, and her eyes keep glancing towards the door to their right which leads to the kitchen. That's where she keeps a spare gun, hidden in the fruit bowl. This is just one of the dozens of things that he's learned about her over the course of the time he's been spending with her.

"Castle, I need to get to that gun."

"You don't have any more on you?"

"In my _car, _yes. But then I saw the other damn car outside and I didn't have time to grab them."

He understands what she's really saying: _you make me panic._

"What do I need to do?" He asks her, not really remembering when he began to trust her implicitly once again.

"Be my cover, Castle." She says, pressing her gun into his hands and eyes staring directly into his. "There's one bullet left. Don't aim for anywhere that could kill him, okay? We need him alive. Just... Distract him."

"Distract him. Right." He repeats breathlessly, hand curling around her gun. A Glock. Police issue.

"You know how to shoot one, right? From all of your researching for your novels?"

Even amidst this raging war he finds his lips curling upwards. Teases her. "Why, Beckett, if I didn't know any better I'd say you're a hardcore fan."

She rolls her eyes at his comment. "My own research, Castle. I had to know as much as possible about you before heading after you to kill you."

Kate turns to leave and he raises himself to gauge the distance between himself and the shooter. The shooter has now currently hidden himself around the corner of the door, head popping out briefly as his eyes scan for Kate.

But before she leaves completely, her hand touching his shoulder pulls him down with a gentle tug. Her hand curls there as she sways towards him and presses a chaste yet tender kiss to the corner of his mouth. He can taste her apology hidden there, a secret that he'll keep to himself despite not being able to forgive her just yet. They need to talk. Now is not the time.

Kate's eyes lift to his for a moment as she pulls away, and he feels something strange pass between them. Before he can find the time to dwell on it, she's already ducking down and sprinting for the kitchen door.

Castle lifts from his cover, finds the shooter has poked his head around the door frame again and he releases the safety catch, finger tensing around the trigger as he studies the guy. He's never shot anyone before in his entire life. When he'd been doing any sort of research, he was shooting at dummies, at paper targets. Not real life people. People with a working heartbeat and functioning lungs. People with nerve endings like fire and thoughts whizzing around in their brain. People just like him- killers or not.

His finger relaxes on the trigger for a brief moment, a sudden wave of the unfairness of this situation dawning on him, something humane settling disjointedly into his lungs. Is this what he has become? Thinking like a trained killer?

His eyes flicker to Kate briefly, watching her sprinting across the room with no emotions playing on her face. Has he started to become like her? Thinking like her? That's not what he wants; he wants to stay as he is.

But when his finger lifts from the trigger, a bullet whizzes past Kate just as she flies through the door, narrowly missing her.

He's not quite sure what happens. There's no coherent thought in his mind at this point, not even the last strand of a thought that he can catch onto. It slips from his fingers like ribbon when he tries to remember even the barest scraps.

He just knows that one moment he's watching Kate and pondering upon the complexities of human beings, and the next minute, he's standing upright and the guy with the gun is on the floor. Hands wrapped around his throat to stem the bleeding. The shot of a bullet echoing over and over again in his mind until he's numb.

Kate practically falls into the room at that moment, gun poised and turning straight to the man in the doorway. She catches sight of the gunman and flounders for a moment, before throwing the new gun aside and running over to him, panicked.

Kate's hands cover the man's bleeding on the floor, turning to Castle with wide, alarmed eyes.

"What have you done?"

The words are barely a whisper, but they make him flinch.

He drops the gun in his hands and stumbles towards her, towards the man he's just shot. He's just a shot a man. He's just shot another human being.

Castle closes his eyes. Presses his hands into them until he sees all-white. Breathes in. Out. Shot a killer. A threat. A man. A killer. Shot. Murder. A killer. _Murderer. Not just in your books anymore.  
_

"Kate-"

"Don't... Castle, don't."

Castle falls to his knees before the pair of them, watching the man's wild eyes flutter as his hands tremble beneath Kate's, choking on his own blood. Yet somehow amidst the panic and the utter desolation, the man finds Kate, his eyes widening and lips curling upwards. Sadistic. More of a smirk of victory than the violent smile of a dying man.

"Funny." The man chokes. "Al- Always thought-" He coughs, spilling blood everywhere.

Castle's hands reach out for the man but Kate shoves him away viciously, practically growling at him as her stained crimson hands collide with his chest. Anger flaring behind those mask of eyes.

Kate's hands press down on the man's throat, exhausting him of his last few minutes on Earth. Alive.

(Murderer).

"Who do you work for?" She growls.

The man laughs, blood spitting in her face. She doesn't even flinch. Castle watches in horrified awe.

(Murderer).

"Who do you work for, dammit!" She cries as the light begins to fade from his eyes.

The man's hand raises limply, outstretched towards her chest but drops suddenly, unable to muster the energy to complete the action. Kate's eyes widen suddenly, brain figuring out the logic faster than he can in this situation. The situation of a murder.

(Murderer).

"You work for the guy who shot me?"

He feels bile rising in his throat, and he needs to leave before he pukes his guts up on a dying man. But nothing can make him leave. He's transfixed on this scene; the bubble of blood beneath her hands; the unflinching anger sketched into the hard lines of her face; the thump of his heart in his chest.

"N-No." The man gurgles, chucking somehow. It's the most disgusting sight Castle has ever seen. "I- I- Put... That there."

"You..." Kate whispers, hands suddenly weakening in their movements.

(Murderer).

His eyelids flutter again, the light all but gone from them now as his head lolls back onto the wooden floor. Useless. Crimson blood staining his body, the hole in his throat, leaking from his mouth. Everywhere. On Kate's hands, her clothes, her hair. Blood of her attempted murderer. Blood, blood, blood. Everywhere. It's too much- not enough. Punishment. He deserves punishment- But it's not his fault. Not his fault. The guy was trying to _shoot her. _Surely that counts for something?

"No!" Kate yells, shaking the man's shoulders despite the fact that they both know it's too late. "Tell me who you work for! TELL ME!" She roars, tears leaking from her eyes in desperation. "TELL ME!"

Silent. Silence. Nothing, no-one, no life. Nothing. Silence- He's gone. There's nothing. Useless. Blood.

(Murderer).

Castle reaches out for her again, needing to touch her. Just to remember. Why he's done this. He needs something to anchor him to reality right now and usually that's his morals, his goodness. Now it's her; a cold-hearted assassin. Aren't they just the same in all aspects now? Before it had just been a fascination with murder. The need to glorify the dead who couldn't speak for themselves. His writing and her, a detective. Now they're both murderers. How has this happened? When had he become the bad guy?

Kate flinches when his hand wraps around her shoulder, but he instantly relaxes at the contact. Real. She's real. This is real and this is okay, they can work through this somehow. She is alive. She is so gorgeous.

"I love you." He tells her.

She turns her eyes to his, wiping at her tears with her hands. He stares at the streak of scarlet she leaves there.

"Castle." She croaks into the silence. "Oh, Castle, what have you done?"


	17. Chapter 17

**heart so helpless**

**Sorry this has taken longer than usual. Health problems. Thanks for being patient with me.  
**

**So Aisling is the BEST and made a fanmix for this fanfiction on Tumblr. You can find the link to that on my fanfiction profile. DL it. Listen to it. It's awesome. She's awesome. I don't know how to deal with this. I've never heard anything so perfect in life; so fitting for this fanfiction, I just... Nope. Listened to it on repeat the whole time writing this!  
**

* * *

Castle tries to swallow past the lump in his throat when Kate pushes his hand away from her shoulder. He watches with hazy eyes as she runs a hand through her blood matted hair, leaving a scarlet streak in its wake, and she doesn't seem to care. Simply takes a deep breath and thumbs her tears away, jaw clenching and brow furrowing in the way that he knows means that she's trying to stop the tears from falling. Focus. Detach from the situation and think methodically. **  
**

It hurts so much- Right where his heart should be. It feels hollow now.

Kate takes another deep breath.

"We can't leave him here."

He does nothing.

Kate doesn't look at him again, nor does she attempt to talk. Simply huffs and hooks her arms under the man's arms, dragging him away with a sickening slide of blood. Leaves a trail of it in her wake when she disappears around the corner. Gone with the body of a man he'd just _murdered. _Murder. It sounds strange on his tongue.

Castle's hand reaches out, dips his fingers in the newly congealed blood. Watches in fascination when his hand rises up red from the pools upon pools of scarlet. Ignores the tight clench of his heart as it drums too fast to be real. Pounds in his ears and makes them burn with shame. Anger. Burning- so intensely- with rage and all things he should feel in a situation like this.

He raises the blood to his nose and breathes in deeply.

_This is what you are now, _his mind is screaming, _get out while you can._

_No, _his heart protests, _never leave at all._

* * *

Kate sorts through the guy's car, occasionally glancing back at the dead man left on the porch of her very own home. The only place she could ever escape from all of this. She has no absolutely no idea what to do with the body. She's never brought any of this work with her to the Hampton's before; this place had always been a place to relax, to escape from that life and simply just _exist. _A life outside of murder and secrets and a corrupt nation, her hands tinted red with it all, never washing away.

There's ID hidden in the glove compartment. Cole Maddox. She's rather thrown by that actually, how confident was this guy in his abilities?

But then she remembers: _I- Put... That there._

She stops and sits in his car for just a moment, fingers pulling down the neckline of her tank top to press against the rough skin of her scar, the small circle that had lead her to all of his Hell. Her eyes close for a fraction of a minute as she thinks about it, the day where the grass was too green to possibly be real and the sky stretched endlessly above her, almost dizzying as she died from a bullet nobody had bothered trying to save her from. Left her reeling in the darkness alone and afraid.

Of course, her friends were always supportive after. Lanie patched her up one too many times after a PTSD episode. Javi forced her to face the sniper rifle. Kevin updated her on the case- because of course, she could never work on a case again, she was fired- or, as they delightfully put it, laid off for personal matters. But her friends weren't there when she needed them, and she knew exactly why. She could see it in their eyes, saw it every day when she had kept in touch with them that first year after the world turned upside down. _Montgomery was murdered because of you. They think you deserve it._

The bitter tears burn in her eyes as they always do. Kate reaches up and swipes them away angrily. Dammit. She tries not to think of her old friends. She'd rather remember the bullet. The three months of endless pain on the road to recovery. Her life leading into this Hell. Anything but remember the shame when she'd slowly removed herself from their lives forever. Knowing they had to be left behind; or was she the one who had been left behind all along?

_(And now the man behind the scar is dead, and you'll never get the answers you want, and you weren't even the one to put the bullet in his body. What a waste, what an awful tragedy your life has been)._

Kate rummages through the rest of the car, simply coming across a few more weapons. Pictures of her house. Of Castle. She'd thought they had been _safe, _but they'd been watching all of this time?

She shoves everything back into the glove compartment as quickly as possible. Throwing it away from her as though it burns. It feel like it does. But then again, most things do.

* * *

"Hey."

Her voice is tender weaved amongst the surprise, as she kneels beside him and touches his hand softly, thumb stroking across the knuckles. He feels his blood flare warmly beneath his skin at her touch, but doesn't make any sign to notice it. Barely even acknowledges her, simply continues to scrub the floor systematically with the sponge, eyes drinking in every detail of the scarlet stains.

"Let me do that, Castle."

She tries to coax the sponge from his hand but he shoves her hands away roughly. He feels her startle in surprise, one hand rising to cover her gasp of shock. Though he turns his eyes away from her wide, bloodshot ones, back to the blood. He's been scrubbing this for so long. Why is there still a stain on the wooden floor? Why won't it leave him alone?

_"Castle."_

She knocks the sponge from his hand and causes the bucket to spill water everywhere, grabbing his lapels and pulling him to her. He doesn't have time to react- to any of it, the sponge, the bucket, her- before her mouth descends roughly on his.

Immediately, he responds the same. Tugs her lower lip between his teeth and growls when he feels her angry gasp, groaning when she flicks her tongue _just so _against the roof of his mouth. Can she feel him shivering as her hands trace the hard lines of his chest? Can she feel his blood red heart pumping wildly right beneath her palm? He can feel her trembling, as one hand fists itself in her hair and tugs her head backwards to deepen the kiss, another hand wrapped around her waist to keep them anchored to one another. She trembles as though she's going to explode. He doesn't think he'd be surprised if they both simultaneously combusted.

"Castle." She gasps when they break apart for air and he diverts his attention to her neck, nipping and sucking his way down to her collarbones. "Castle, listen to me."

"Listen to _you_?" He growls into her collarbone before pulling away, chest heaving. "Why should I trust anything you say, Kate?"

Her hands uncurl from their spot on his chest. Stares at him with something akin to heartbreak.

"Excuse me?"

"You _left me _for _dead,_ Kate. Left me after you _promised _you'd be there when I woke up!"

Kate's jaw clenches and she rubs a hand across her weary eyes, slumping slightly. "I know." She whispers. "I know."

"Why would you _do _that? How could you do that to me, Kate? I _trusted _you. I came with you here because you want to save my life. And we both know why you want to save my life, Kate. Make excuses about how I'm different or how you don't know all you want, but I _know _you feel this connection, Kate. This love. That could be. So how can you just _turn _your back on that? On me? Were you going to let me die, Kate?"

Her jaw is slack now, tears dancing to the front of her hazel eyes now. One of her hands reaches up and runs through his hair. She ignores it when he flinches away, simply hooks it around his shoulder to hold him still. He hates her. This. All of this. What she's done to him. Oh, God. He hates it all. (He loves her).

"Of course not." She whispers brokenly, fingers trembling. "I would _never _have left you here to die, Castle."

"Then what were you _doing?_"

She sighs, fingers tracing patterns into his blood-stained shirt that he supposes are supposed to be soothing. Huh. Soothing. At a time like this? No way.

"I was using you as bait."

He's almost certain he doesn't hear the words for a moment. He's almost certain the minute movement of her lips is his imagination. He's almost certain the tightening of her hand on his shoulder is make believe.

But the regret burning fiercely in her eyes is enough to make him see it's real.

"...Bait?" He repeats slowly, astounded.

Her eyes turn downcast, rain clouds brewing there. "I was trying to lure them here. I've... Never been so useless at trying to find people before. Whoever it is that wants you dead, Castle, they're high up. So professional. I don't know why they called me to do it if they're a _lot _better at this than I am." She confesses, wincing. "Especially since my... shooter's involved."

* * *

There is too much in his eyes for her to sort through, to dare attempt to translate into the hollows of her heart.

She can't pinpoint any sort of emotion. She expects anger, and thinks she finds sympathy. It's all too confusing. Too emotional. She doesn't _do _emotions anymore. That's not who she is- Then again, who is she anymore but a lie wrapped up within another lie, layers of walls and well-constructed layers to keep everybody locked out of her own Hell?

"I understand." Castle says eventually, slumping.

She wants to scream at him to be angry. To do something. Something rational and normal. Because, honestly, she needs something normal right now. A reminder of an older life. And so far he's always been a reminder, of what she has been, of what she thought was lost, of everything that she could be and had never dared hoped to be. She needs _that _man; not the man who loves her unconditionally and sees no wrong in her actions. She hates this version of him. So weak. So forgiving. So loving.

But instead, she manipulates this moment like she always does, despite the guilt she feels fizzing quietly in her veins. This is the moment she'll change everything.

"Castle," she says softly. "I'm going to take you home."

His eyes fly up to hers, mouth already opening to protest but she's too quick; has a hand over his mouth before he can get a word out. She will not let him change her mind about this. Of this, she is certain. There is no other option now. She must keep him safe. Because this is so much bigger than she'd realized and he loves her and she could love him so, _so _easily if she were anyone else but herself.

"It's my only option here, Castle. Just look at what's happened: You've killed a man. That's not who you are. I know that's not who you are. But I'll be damned if I put you in harm's way any longer. I will not let you be put in that kind of position again, okay?"

Some part of her wants to laugh when she feels him try to protest against her hand, words muffled and lips sliding across her palm. Makes her shiver. But the other more rational side of her forces her to stay on task, keep the objective clear in her mind and not allow feelings to get muddled along the way. She never should've gotten this close in the first place. Feelings had the tendency to explode before her; because that was what she was, a ticking time bomb. She destroys everything she touches.

She will not destroy him any further.

"Let me protect you Castle, please." She practically begs when she hears his muffled protests, pressing her forehead against his. "Please. Just go with this. Because we both know it's going to happen whether you agree or not. You've fooled yourself but you know what I am, what I'm capable of. It's not that hard to remove myself from my emotions, Castle." Kate whispers. "I've been doing it for six years."

"Kate-" Or, at least, that's what his mumbles sound like.

No. She must keep him safe.

"I'm going to take you home, and I'm going to stake out your apartment, and I'm going to catch the bastard trying to kill you. And... And then we'll go our separate ways, Castle. This was never going to end happily."

How foolish she'd been to believe- even for such an infinitesimal moment- that it ever would.


	18. Chapter 18

**heart so helpless**

**Thank you all so much- for both your kind comments and being patient with me. Once again, I'm incredibly sorry for the longer wait. Tried to make this one longer in some strange way to compensate.  
**

* * *

Castle sits on the bed stoically and watches her as she gathers up all of his things for him. Removes every piece of evidence that shows that he was ever here, in this house, in her life. Watches her find every last crevice and pull his trace from it all- his shirts, Nikki Heat, even his damn shampoo. She takes it all and shoves it into a gym bag. Refusing to make eye contact with him as she does. As though he's already gone.

"Kate." He murmurs, catching her wrist.

She stills, turning just a fraction to stare at him. Above his eyes, staring at his forehead, where she can't see the pain.

"This is the only way, Castle." She says softly.

And then she roughly shoves the bag into his lap. If he didn't know better, he'd be sure there were tears in her eyes.

* * *

Castle stands and leaves the room with his bag and she takes a moment to hold back a sob. Here's the end. Dammit, why had she ever fooled herself into believing that he was different- that _she _could be different for him? Of course that never would've happened. She ought to know better. She's always known better.

She grabs her own bag that she'd already packed. Before thinking twice about it, she grabs the shirt that smells so heavily of him, the one that she had left at the bottom of the drawer. Stuffs it into her bag as though she actually deserves some sort of memento from this time that they've spent together, a memento to remember him by. When really she ought to be erasing him completely from her life, as though he had never existed at all.

_Fool, _her mind screams.

And she can't help but agree.

* * *

"Kate."

At the sound of his voice, Kate turns from placing their bags in the boot of the car towards where he stands on the porch of the house, unmoving. She has seen many terrifying things in her lifetime; death most predominantly. But something about the way he holds himself, as though he's ready to crumble to dust, eyes as detached as her own, completely terrifies her. What has she done to this man? The childish, innocent, immature man that she'd first seen in him is gone. Who is this man who stands before her in replacement? She's not quite sure that she knows who he is. She's not quite sure if she wants to know him.

Where is the man that she could love?

"Where's the body?"

"Huh?"

His voice pulls her from her thoughts suddenly, and she blinks when she finds that he's now stood before her, empty eyes bearing down on her.

"I said: Where's the body?"

Kate swallows harshly, tries to ignore how her heart has suddenly leaped into her throat.

"It's, uh..." She runs a hand across her eyes. Does she tell him the truth?

She considers it, but there's too much emptiness in his eyes for her heart to embrace the guilt.

"His body is taking a swim with his car." She tells him bluntly, unsure of how else to tell him.

That causes something to pierce through the emptiness that had been swimming in his eyes. She's not quite sure what it is because it appears in staccato bursts of light- anguish, anger, grief, it all blends into one. She regrets her blunt words immediately and reaches out for him, his name trembling on her lips, but he takes a step away from her. There's another flash of some emotion in his eyes, something that looks so incredibly like nausea it makes her own stomach roll. Is he sickened by her?

"Y-you..." He stammers, eyes wide.

"I dumped them in the sea." She murmurs softly, reaching for him once again but he keeps stepping back, recoiling away from her again and again. He's breaking her heart, when all she ever meant to do was help him.

Look at him now. She's broken him.

"Oh God." He says, hands coming to cover his mouth as he lets out a strangled moan. "Oh, God, I'm a murderer."

"Castle-"

"What am I supposed to tell my daughter, Kate? How am I supposed to look her in the eye and forget that I'm a _murderer?"_

"Castle." She chokes out, reaching for him as he slumps to his knees. "Castle, please."

"How am I supposed to do that, Kate?" He asks, tears glistening in his eyes and she feels her heart ache for him so keenly that she drops down to her knees too.

"He's a trained killer, Castle. He had it coming."

She tries to soothe him, frantic hands awkward and out of place, but he recoils from her once again, tears flowing and staring at her in horror.

"Kate." He whispers. "So are you."

They're quiet, then, on their knees beside the car as he cries and she can't do anything at all, can't help him or move to him or breathe air into her corrupted lungs.

So she closes her eyes and listens to the sea, the sound of the tide washing Cole Maddox's body away, away, away.

* * *

The protests come halfway through the drive back. She's rather surprised. She hadn't expected him to last that long. She hadn't expected him to even get in the car at all.

"Kate, please don't do this."

The request is quiet yet demanding. She flexes her fingers on the steering wheel but does nothing to suggest that she even heard the utterance at all, eyes trained on the road ahead of them, stretching for miles, seemingly never ending.

"Kate."

She can't ignore the sorrow in his voice so she gives the smallest of sighs, eyes fluttering as though they wish to close themselves off from this whole situation. But then she opens them wide and focuses again. There's no point in hiding anymore. It's going to be over soon. All of this. They can move on. He especially can move on. He should move on. There's no promises that she can, though. After all, that would be hypocritical. She's stuck in a loop of grief over her mother already, she doesn't know how to move on, she's never tried.

"Please turn the car around."

"No, Castle."

"Kate."

He places a hand over hers. She remembers when it had been covered in blood, thankfully washed away merely an hour ago.

"Castle, drop it. I'm not going to change my mind."

"Kate, I can't just..." He trails off and that catches her attention, glances at him briefly to see his eyes filling with tears again. Oh, no. Oh, Castle.

"I'm sorry."

"Oh yeah?" His voice is bitter. It stings.

"Yeah, Castle." She confirms. "I never should've gone about saving you this way. But I..." She hesitates, before sighing and deciding she may as well give him the truth now, if she can give him anything. "I've never saved anybody before."

The hand on hers only tightens, clinging to her like she's driftwood amongst the raging current.

"How do you expect me to do it?" He asks in a small voice.

She flexes her hand beneath his, testing. "Do what?"

"Go home and act as though nothing's different. As though I'm not a murderer."

Kate slows the car on the long road and pulls to the side. The road is empty anyway, rarely frequented by cars but she's always preferred the lonely path, so she doesn't know why she does it. Then she shuts the ignition off and turns to him, pushing his hand away from hers and hiding hers away in her lap where she hopes he won't reach out.

"You're not a murderer, Castle." She says quietly, staring at her hands.

"Could've fooled me." He mutters.

Kate suppresses the urge to roll her eyes. "Castle, your life was endangered. You had every right to take that shot."

"No, I didn't, Kate." He says, voice raising with anger. The hair on the back of her neck prickles as he speaks. "I had no right to take a life. I've never had the right. Nobody deserves that right."

"He shot me, Castle." She says thickly, surprised when she feels wet tears on her cheeks. When had she started crying? "He almost shot you. I'm glad the bastard is dead."

Castle's eyes widen and she's fairly certain she's on the edge of giving up on figuring out his expressions, the way his emotions are currently switching faster than they ever have. Unpredictable now and she hates this because she doesn't know this man. This isn't the man she's learned to know and almost learned to love. She grieves him. She'd give in to him, she thinks. She'd turn around for him. She'd do absolutely anything for him so long as he were happy and safe and alive.

"Is that how you justify what you do?" Castle growls. "By thinking that they deserve death? That they had it coming?"

Oh- Wow. That- That she hadn't been expecting. A blow so close to her heart, missing by mere inches but plundering through her broken lungs. She needs to take a moment to simply breathe.

"Isn't that how humans justify everything?" She asks, lips trembling when she uses the back of her hand to wipe away the hot tears.

"No," he murmurs, "not all of them."

Just her, then.

She is so terrifyingly alone in her thoughts and her dreams and her heart.

"How do you do it?" He asks her, eyes wide with expectancy, as though there's a secret antidote to the pain.

Kate smiles wryly. "I do it because I have to, Castle."

Castle sighs and looks down at his hands, and she can't help but follow the trail. They had been covered in blood not too long ago. Scarlet and sticky. The blood of a man who had once been alive and had thoughts and dreams and a heart just like her, despite how cold he seemed because he had turned to murder.

_Oh._

She closes her eyes against the sudden onslaught of pain.

No- No, she does _not_ feel regret for the dead, she does not identify with them. Certainly not with the man who had shot her. The man who had caused the dominoes to start falling.

"Please can we go back?" Castle practically begs. The tone in his voice makes her heart ache, so she keeps her eyes closed.

"No, Castle. We can't go back."

"Please, please Kate. Dammit, I don't want to let you go, I don't want you out of my life!" He exclaims, making her shudder but she just presses her hands over her ears like a child would do. Blocks out the noise as though not hearing the words will make them any less real.

Castle's hands tug on her own and she lets out a low moan, followed by a sob that gets caught halfway between her heart and her throat and she doesn't care. She doesn't care and oh, she loves him, she loves him.

"Castle, no, please." She cries, nails digging into his hands.

"Please, Kate. Let me fix this. I'll do anything."

"There's nothing to fix."

"There is- There's so much."

There is so much pain. And she doesn't know how to stop it.

"Kate, please. Kate."

She opens her eyes and finds empty eyes staring back. This is not the man she could love.

"Please, Kate. I love you." He tells her.

"I don't care." She lies.

Castle balks. "That's a lie."

"No it isn't. Love doesn't mean a damn thing in this world, Castle."

"Yes it does." He insists, and dammit she wishes he wouldn't, because doesn't he see how hard it is for her to let him go? "It means something. It means something to me and I know it means something to you, too."

"No, no, it doesn't."

Castle grips her wrists tightly in one hand and forces her to look at him with the other, hand clutching her jaw in a way that's almost painful. Good. Good, she can focus on the physical pain of his hands that had once brought so much joy and laughter and life to her broken body rather than the emotional ache she feels deep in the dead weight between her lungs.

"You love me too." He says. "I know it. I can feel it. So don't leave me, Kate. Save my life and then leave this frankly unbelievable life of yours behind."

If she closes her eyes and blocks him out then it's all just not real.

"Kate." His fingers dig in a little sharper on her jaw.

"No." She says, eyes opening and seeing through a hazy layer. There's something like fire in his empty eyes now. Something that reminds her of the man he was before all of this. "I would do anything except leave this life. I need this life."

His hands flex around her jaw, a little lighter in their hold. Brush there tenderly and she remembers how he touched her in the bed in the Hamptons, as though she were a precious thing, as though he saw the woman she used to be; the woman that she had forgotten long ago, had given up on her halfhearted quest to find her again.

"You love me?" He barely makes a noise, disbelieving it seems.

Kate feels a tear drip onto her lips. She's not sure whether it's his or hers. It's the right kind of bitter for this wrecked relationship they've created.

"Yes." She whispers.


	19. Chapter 19

**heart so helpless**

**I get really giddy whenever I see your reviews. Seriously.  
**

* * *

Castle surges towards her despite the restriction of his seat belt, hands wrapping around the back of her neck to pull her closer. She yelps in shock at the sudden movement, dizzying her for mere seconds before his lips descend on hers and wipes her mind blank of any arguments or protests she could've ever invented.

His lips are rough and sweet and desperate all at the same time and she can't keep up, attempts to with her hands scrabbling madly at his shoulders with some mad effort to pull him closer. He presses her into the side of the car, her head falling back against the window. The new angle makes her groan as his tongue slips inside her mouth and teases, body pressing into hers, making her shiver with want and need and desire.

Castle's lips break apart from hers gasping, and she simply moans in delight when he moves to her neck, nipping and sucking his way down to her collarbone. Her hands clutch his shoulders as his lips find her collarbone, tongue smoothing across the length of it and driving her crazy, unable to prevent herself from whimpering when the wet of his tongue leaves her body, climbing back up to attach his talented mouth to hers again.

Somewhere amidst this she manages to gather her fluttering thoughts, pushes aside the desire and succumbs to her responsible mind by placing two hands on Castle's chest and shoving him back to the other side of the car.

Castle lands against the car door with a thud, lips swollen and hair mussed as he looks at her in confusion, eyes still dripping with tears. She can imagine she looks quite the same, if the blazing heat of her skin and suddenly uncomfortable clothes are any sign, as well as her struggle to gather breath through her lust induced haze. This damn man does things to her that nobody has ever managed to do before. Things that she had never felt were possible; the rumors of love that she had always dismissed as merely tales for children, to assure them that there was something on this planet worth living for. She'd never believed in those before, but she could picture this being what the struggles are worth suffering for. The reassuring feel of his heart beneath her hand. The warmth of another body in the cold nights. The feeling of finally being safe.

"Kate?" He says, frowning. "Why'd you stop me?"

But this is why it isn't worth it, though. This is where she can find the flaws in the ideology of love. This is where she can feel his heart beneath her palm but it's just a pebble on the beach and the tide is coming in. She can feel the warmth of his body in the cold nights but by day the ice consumes the pair of them from the inside out. And that feeling, the feeling of being safe? Temporary; nobody is safe, every new day brings a potentially life-threatening danger.

"Call your daughter." She says, a hand fluttering against her own ribs as she tries to calm her breathing. "Tell her you're going home."

"But Kate-" He reaches for her.

She pushes him away. "Castle." She says wearily. "Please. I'm trying to save your life."

"But... But you love me? Surely you don't want to be apart from me too?"

His expression is so hopeful, so earnest and she feels her heart cave in on itself at the sight. So she drops her head into her hands, shoulders slumping. Why does he have to make this so hard? Can't he see that he's better off without her? That she's not right for him? That this was never ever going to happen, that this was never going to work?

Castle's hands wrap around her wrists. "I need more than one night with you, Kate." His breath dances across her lips and her tongue darts out involuntarily, making her blush and keeps her eyes focused on her own legs. "While that night was fantastic, I'm selfish. I always have been. I want more. I want _you._" He presses a kiss to her wrist, making her shudder in response. "Always you, Kate."

"No, Castle." She says with regret, leaning forwards to kiss him sweetly. "I'm selfish. I'd rather you be alive than you being mine. I don't think I could live with the guilt if you died from this."

Her eyes lift when he raises her chin, meets his soft blue eyes with her own.

"How is that selfish, Kate? I'd say that's pretty selfless." He questions, puzzled.

"Isn't the whole 'I would die for you' thing always selfish?" She wonders with a sad smile. "I don't want you to not die because I don't want you to suffer. The truth is that I don't want you to die because I don't like the idea of you suffering, having to live on with that constant guilt, having to breathe without knowing you're breathing too. Having to break the news to your daughter, your mom, and face the accusations that it was all my fault; knowing that it was, too. I would rather take your place and not have to live through that pain. I just don't want to suffer. Pretty selfish, huh?"

Castle's thumb brushes across the line of her jaw tenderly. His eyes watch her with wonder and awe and a little hint of love swirling there. She doesn't understand how he can love her despite her selfish qualities, but she doesn't mind. No man has ever loved her before when she's been this exposed, when they've known her this truthfully.

He presses a kiss to her forehead, hovering there for a moment. "Nah," he breathes, "not selfish. Extraordinary."

* * *

"Hey, pumpkin."

"Daddy." Alexis' voice is world-weary, and he can imagine dark shadows under her eyes, hunched shoulders. He wishes it away. "Please tell me you're coming home soon."

"Uh," he clears his throat, glancing over to Kate, her hair tumbling from the wind filtering in through the window, "yeah, sweetie. I am."

"When?" Her voice sounds perkier instantly, excited.

His heart feels disjointed between his lungs. How is he supposed to choose between Kate and his daughter? He'll choose his daughter every time, any time, no matter what. But that doesn't mean the choice doesn't hurt, that it doesn't ache deep in his bones and fills him with regret. Because, yes, he's given in. He's going home to his daughter and Kate is going to leave him, going to protect him and save his life and he'll never see her again. But only for Alexis. Only to keep her safe.

"I'm uh... I'm headed home right now, actually."

"Oh, Daddy!" Alexis sounds like she's crying. "I'm so glad. When will you be here? Even Grams has been worried sick about you-"

"Alexis." He interrupts. He doesn't want to know what this has done to his family. "I'll be home in a couple hours, okay? We can talk more then."

Alexis is silent for a moment, the unspoken words heavy weight between them.

"Will you tell me where you've been?"

There's something angry and scared in his daughter's voice at the same time. He hangs his head in shame. He ought to have known that there would've always been repercussions to this; that this whirlwind trip with Kate was not as wonderful as he'd dreamed it to be.

"I..."

He says nothing more, and Alexis sighs.

"I thought you were better than this, Dad."

And then she hangs up.

Castle sits in silence for a moment, trying to figure out what on Earth it is that he'll tell his daughter when he gets home. His mother, too. His mother has never been one to judge, but he'd left without a word, trusting her to look after Alexis- or, at least, for Alexis to look after her. There would be no doubt that his mother would harass him about it until he told her the truth. But what would she say? Would she judge Kate? Would she want him to go to the police? He knows that Alexis would, that she'd have Kate pegged as a crazy stalker within an instant, police called and interrogating him about Kate in the first few minutes of being home. No. He can't tell them. He can't let them do that to Kate.

At the thought, he looks over to her and watches the captivating tumble of her hair over her shoulders, dancing in the wind; the glimmer in her eyes as she drives on towards the sunrise. The orange of the sun paints her in gold, stroking through the shadows and lines and shapes that blend together to make her face as though she's a work of art.

No. He won't let them do that to her.

And if that's selfish of him, then he doesn't care. He doesn't care at all.

* * *

They're halfway back to New York when her phone buzzes loudly in the comfortable silence of the car, ringing and ringing and she ignores it, pain flaring in her chest when she sees the caller.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" Castle asks curiously, studying her.

"No." She answers shortly, keeping her eyes fixed on the road.

The ringing stops and she sags with the relief of it. She has been ignoring her father's calls completely this past week, praying to whatever God she's never believed in that he'll get the message. She will not talk to him until he gets better. She's done with being his crutch. She doesn't have to deal with that if she's never unloaded any of her problems on him, never once relied on him for comfort ever since her Mom was killed when she was 19. Then again, it's not as though she actually had a choice. The parental roles had switched drastically between them that night, when they'd come home and the bitter wind nipped at their exposed skin, full to the brim with warm food and the knowledge of safety- Only to find that their lives were going to be changed forever.

"Why not?"

The ringing picks up again and she fights the urge to throw the damn thing out of the window. It would save her the stress.

"Kate?" Castle encourages.

"Because it's my Dad." She supplies.

"So?"

She glances over at him and finds he's genuinely caring, not just searching for gossip. She sighs and turns back to the road, the endless stretch of pavement and empty. Kate's vaguely surprised by this. But she reminds herself that it's only 6am, there would be no reason for anyone to take this route. Nonetheless, it makes her feel uneasy.

"Kate?"

He touches her hand and she can't hold back any longer.

"Because he's just going to say the same damn thing he always does, Castle."

"And what's that?"

Kate clenches her jaw, eyes suddenly hazy. Are they tears?

"That he's done with the drink. That he promises he's going to get better." She whispers.

There's a loaded silence, and she can practically feel Castle delicately choosing his next words. No. That's not what she wants- she doesn't want to be handled. She can deal with this pain. These truths. After all, she lives with them every day.

"He's... An alcoholic?"

"Yeah."

The admission makes her feel lighter, somehow. She hasn't spoken about this with anyone in years. Not anyone that cared.

"It started when my Mom died." Kate finds herself telling him, and once the words start, they don't stop. "I was 19 and I'd have to drag my Dad into the bath, practically drown him in cold water to get him to wake up. I'd force him to AA meetings. Do everything I could. But you can't give help to someone who doesn't want it, you know?"

She bites her lips and her heart flutters in shame at Castle's subdued "I know".

"He stopped when I joined the academy."

"He did?" Castle's eyebrows are raised when she glances over at him and she can't help but smile.

"Yeah. I was so proud." She admits. "He wasn't the same as before, but I hadn't expected him to be. He was a little more quiet and a little less sociable. But he was still my Dad. That was enough. He was sober for a whole, I don't know, 8 years? 9 years?" Her eyes burn with tears when she remembers. "And then I was shot and... And everything changed. So suddenly. I was kicked off the force and-"

"You were what?" Castle says, reaching out to grab her wrist.

She slows the car slightly and glances at him, watching the shock playing in his features. "I was kicked out, Castle. They wanted me gone."

"But... Why?"

Kate shrugs. "A lot of reasons. I shot my Mom's killer in the precinct a year before I was shot and the chief of detectives had wanted me gone ever since then. I don't know why. I mean, he was holding one of my team members- Ryan- at gunpoint. I had to do something. And then there was... There was a lot of stuff with my Mom's case. A lot of rumors were spread about me. A lot of people hated me, too, I guess. They thought I was obsessed. Maybe I am." She murmurs. "And then when my Captain was killed and I was shot at his funeral... Well, they showed me the door. Told me I was too invested, that there was too much danger. Forced me into an early retirement. I was 32 and they shoved me into retirement, Castle." She laughs bitterly around the words.

Castle is eerily quiet and it frightens her. He's never quiet.

"I guess your Dad didn't take that well."

Kate shakes her head slowly. "No. He's been drowning his sorrows in alcohol ever since then. Six years now. And every morning I get a call where he swears he's gonna change, swears he's gonna get better, begs me to come home."

She knows Castle wants to ask more, but he stays quiet, allowing her to have this moment.

"I keep waiting for the day he doesn't call, Castle." She tells him quietly, tears staining her cheeks. "The day he drinks himself into a grave, joins my Mom in death."

Castle's grip tightens around her wrist, thumb smoothing across the back of her hand. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Kate nods, throat too tight to find anything to say.

"Thank you. For telling me this." He adds at her questioning look.

Despite the tears she finds herself smiling, heart brimming with love. "You want the whole story, don't you? How I became this?"

Castle's silent but she knows he wants the story. He always wants the story.

"It's not a pretty story."

"I don't care."

Kate nods slowly. "You think you can wait a while? There's a diner about ten miles ahead. We could be cliché and do this over some coffee."

Castle grins. "Cliché it is."

That look in his eyes- happy, grateful, rather carefree- is what she thinks she'll always remember about him. Whilst his forgiving nature annoyed her endlessly, wishing for him to just be furious with her for once, she's grateful for his kindness. It's a wonderful contradiction to her own sharp personality, rough around the edges. He's wonderful and kind and she'll always love him, always hold him close to her heart as she curls up alone in the cold nights.

She's staring into his eyes when the truck that had just pulled onto the freeway crashes into them from behind and sends them flying into the barriers.


	20. Chapter 20

**heart so helpless**

**Good to know that the car crash was unexpected! Thanks, as always, for your kind comments. They really help me continue with this when sometimes all I want to do is give up.**

* * *

There's a metallic screech of metal. It reminds him of the rusty taste of blood on his tongue.

There's a hissing sound in his ears, and he opens his eyes to find the source of the sound. His vision is hazy, though, and his eyes sting when he attempts to open them, so he shuts them again and grunts against the pain. Raises a hand to his eyes and swipes them. Something sticky. Blood. Probably. Right?

His eyes briefly flicker open again and he finds he has red fingers, confirmation of his earlier thoughts. Damn. He's bleeding. Where's he bleeding from?

"Castle?"

Her voice is tiny and raw. Something in it like fear that he's never once detected from her brave attitude. Huh. Assassin's get scared? Or just her? She's only human, after all. The most humane kind of assassin he could've ever conjured, though. The most loveable.

"Cas.."

The runaway thoughts in his mind halt as she trails off weakly and his eyes flutter open again, stay open wide this time. Not that he can help it. The sight he sees paralyzes him the minute his eyes open.

Kate's face is covered in blood leaking from her temple, eyes lolling in their sockets, almost all-white. Blood soaks through her clothes, everywhere, all at once, and he can't even begin to start guessing where all of this blood is coming from, where she's even hurt. One obvious injury is her leg, trapped between the crumpled steering wheel and the rest of her body, twisted and compressed at a strange angle that raises bile to his throat. It's probably the cause of her clenched jaw, the pain he sees in her white fists.

Her body keeps twitching, as though she can barely suppress the pain, and he reaches a hand out despite the fact his eyes are hazy with his own blood and his body all but screams at the move; just needing to touch her, to make sure that she's still breathing, but then-

A click of a gun. Cold metal pressed against his temple.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll get out of the car." A raspy voice says. "Now."

He spares a glance towards Kate and watches as her eyes shut close, lips parting as though she has something to say. Nothing comes out and her body stops twitching, fists relaxing. Just- stops.

His heart stutters at the sight but the cold metal against his temple is suddenly insistent, overpowers the roaring beat of his heart that suddenly floods his ears. The lovesick, pathetic side of his mind aches to fight, to get Kate to safety. However the more rational side of his mind thankfully is louder and makes him see that complying with this man's orders is the best way to get them both out of this alive. So he retracts the hand reaching out to Kate and nods slowly, feels the gun leave his temple and climbs from the car.

Castle closes the door of the car and turns to find himself staring down the barrel of a gun, a scarred man holding the thing in his shaking hands. From fear or adrenaline, Castle cannot tell, and nor does he think he wants to know.

"Thought she'd kept you safe, hadn't she?" The man says lowly, swallows thickly around his statement. "Thought that she could hide you away and that would be that, did she?"

Castle grimaces. "You could just leave us. We won't tell."

The man shakes his head profusely, eyes never wavering from Castle's. The handgun drifts slowly to the right in his hands but he catches himself. Steadies the gun in his hands and aims it towards Castle. Huh. So the guy is nervous then. Not that it would surprise Castle, he hardly looks professional. The scar on his face screams danger but it's nothing in comparison to the tremble in his hands, the frightened way he holds the gun, an uneasy look in his eyes so dissimilar from Kate's cold ones.

"I've got to- I-" The man clears his throat, shaking his head. "It's your lives or mine. I don't owe you my life. Either of you." There's the briefest flash in his eyes of regret, but then it's gone.

Castle chances a look at Kate and notices that she's still knocked out, stone cold. How long does she have left? Perhaps he can talk this guy round, but he doesn't know how long that will take. Whether Kate will survive that long. If she's in any life-threatening danger at all.

His shoulder is screaming in pain from holding his hands up for so long. He doesn't know how he's going to get either of them out of this. He needs to get her out of this.

"You- You ordered the hit on me?" He wonders aloud, eyes scanning the road for any approaching vehicles and finding none. He tries not to let disappointment flare too brightly in his chest.

The man grimaces. "I didn't want to. It's nothing personal. But- There was a deal. I owed Montgomery a favour. He wanted me to protect her and I did, but then she dropped off of the damn Earth." The man growls, brows furrowing in anger. "I thought she was dead herself. But then I get a call one day: She's learning too much, she needs to back off. I didn't even know she was still alive."

Castle digests the information slowly, word by word. This would be so much easier to keep up with if Kate had actually explained to him how she had gotten into this line of work.

"Who's Montgomery?" He asks lightly, fingers twitching with physical strain. His body is going to give out any moment now.

He will not be able to save her.

The man gives out a bitter laugh. "That your play? Think you can fool me into thinking you're dumb, Mr Castle?"

"I- I honestly don't know what you're going on about."

But the man ignores him, stares into Castle's eyes but they're empty, unseeing.

"If she had just stayed away from the case then none of this would have happened. She could still have her job. I wouldn't have to kill you. I wouldn't have received this." The man gestures to the scar on his face. "When I couldn't control her."

"What has any of this got to do with me?" Castle demands hotly.

The man's eyes come back to the present and he glares at Castle, lips a thin line. "You know what you did, Mr Castle. You know how the two of you have been connected long before I called her with you as my target."

"I don't." Castle insists honestly. "I don't know at all."

His head tilts to the side and his eyes seem to size Castle up. Weighing up the lies against the truth, though his eyes have that same look in them that Kate's did. The look of a hunter sizing up it's prey. Castle feels so vulnerable, so weak.

"Well," the man says, "I don't suppose you ever will."

He clicks the safety off of the gun, finger wrapping around the trigger.

Castle gulps and closes his eyes. _I'm sorry, Kate,_ he thinks. Remembers how her skin had felt beneath his skin, so soft, a wonderful contradiction of smooth dips and curves compared to her sharp personality. Her eyes, so wide and vulnerable in that one night they'd been together; giving him everything, more than he had ever asked for. Her hair splayed on the pillow and the way she had bitten her lip and let out the softest of sighs. The absolute reverent touch of her fingers as they had mapped his skin, telling him more than she ever could with her words. Remembers a love than had consumed him like a raging fire and felt as wonderful as the knowledge of safety and, finally, home.

But then there's the slightest touch on his elbow and he opens his eyes just in time to watch Kate Beckett slit the mans throat open with one flick of a blade.

He jerks back in shock and watches as the gun clatters from the man's hands to the ground, eyes going wide and rolling back into his head before he slumped down to the floor, gurgling.

"Kate." It's the only thing that he can find to say, throat suddenly tight and dry.

She turns to him without the barest hint of remorse in her eyes. "Go get the bags from the trunk. And your burner cell." When he doesn't move, she adds, "Now!"

He nods hastily and hurries off to the trunk of the car, lifting their bags with his shoulders screaming in agony. He grimaces but makes no comment, reaching in through the window to grab his temporary cell. He tries with all the strength he possess to ignore the scarlet stains on her seat, but it doesn't work out. Makes his stomach roll in disgust.

When he reaches Kate, she's hunched over the man, tears mixing with the blood on her cheeks. He should probably feel sympathy for her over that. All he can feel is nausea.

"I'm sorry you've been roped into this. I didn't know about the deal. Montgomery didn't tell me." She whispers, hand trembling over the man's chest.

"I owed Montgomery." The man gasps. "Not you. You _bitch_."

She shakes her head against the words. "You should have left it. _Nobody_ is touching him, you hear me? _Nobody_ gets to Castle."

The man's lips part, but then his eyes shut tight. Chest stops moving. Life just vanishes so suddenly that, if Castle had blinked he probably would have missed it.

Castle thinks that he has seen enough murder to last a lifetime.

Kate lifts from the floor and swipes the congealing blood from her eyes, pale and swaying. He'd offer a hand to help, but he doesn't think that she would accept his offer of help, even in such a vulnerable position. Such pain.

"C'mon, Castle."

Her voice is tight and tired, strained. All traces of joy and acceptance disappearing as though they had never been there at all.

"What are we- I mean- The bodies?"

His speech is fragmented but he can't help it. Two murders in the same day, one at his own hand, one from hers. This is too much for his mind to wrap around, the even believe that he's seen.

"We don't have time to move the body and the cars, Castle. Nor do I have the energy. My blood's everywhere so they'll identify me sooner or later." She runs a hand across her tired eyes. "Main traffic will come soon."

Kate tugs on his elbow and he follows her willingly, as he always will. They trek into the forest on the side of the freeway and disappear into there, two black silhouettes against the orange of the sunset.

* * *

Five minutes after they begin walking away, her head is too light to carry on anymore, her leg too heavy to lift without pain stuttering throughout her entire body. They set their things up against a tree and she sits, taking a moment to rest. Eyes drifting shut but she snaps them open again. Rest. She just needs a little rest. Just for one moment.

"Kate."

Her eyes open again and find him sitting opposite him with a concerned expression.

"You need to go to a hospital."

"Sure, Castle. I'll just explain how I was in a car crash with a man out to kill us and murdered him as I was there." She returns dryly.

But he's right, of course. There's far too much blood for her to be okay and she doesn't have any first aid on her (completely foolish on her part) to even attempt to begin to heal herself.

"Kate. Please. I won't let you die on me." He whispers.

She reaches out and gently runs her shaking fingers through his hair, tenderly cupping his skull. "Hand me your cell."

He nods eagerly and passes her the phone, watching her as she types in the number she's known off by heart for years upon years. Not that she's ever called it in so long. Never had reason to. (So afraid. So alone).

"Who are you calling?" Castle asks curiously.

"Help. Though it's not guaranteed." She replies, pressing the phone to her ear.

The dialing tone goes on for one beat too long and she's certain that they're not going to answer. It's been so long after all. Could have changed numbers, could have moved on-

But then-

"Doctor Parish speaking."


	21. Chapter 21

**heart so helpless**

**Thank you, thank you, thank you. A million times: Thank you. Also, I stole a line from 'The Librarian' in this. Kudos to the Stana fans that can find it.  
**

* * *

"Doctor Parish speaking."

Kate feels all of the air rush out of her lungs without a second to gather her thoughts or prepare herself. If she were standing, she'd double over in pain, but due to basically lying on the ground she simply chokes on a whimper and presses a hand against her heart. Feels it roar beneath her fingers. Alive. Alive and afraid of what her friend will have to say after not speaking in five years. Despite the fright, she finds herself grinning just slightly. She hasn't felt alive in so long. She's already getting better.

(Enough for Castle?)

"Hello?"

Lanie's voice startles Kate from her thoughts and makes her jump, holding back a groan when her body aches in protest. Holds a hand against her bleeding leg as Castle wraps his jacket tight around the wound- when had he started doing that?- and grits her teeth.

What's she supposed to say? This is her best friend. The best friend who, the last time Kate had seen her, had stitched the gaping wound Kate had on her lower back after another panic attack from the PTSD, a little too much alcohol and some shattered glass. She'd assured her that she would get better soon, that it was just going to take a little time that was all, and to get a good nights rest. Kate had smiled when she'd finished. Told her she'd sleep well. Hugged her at the door and disappeared the next day.

No matter the circumstances, Kate knew that her best friend was not going to take this well. Not in the I-need-a-while-to-think-on-this way, but more in the I-am-going-to-beat-your-ass kind of way.

"I swear to God Javier if this is your idea of a joke, it is six in the morning on my day off and I will _not _hesitate to-"

"Lanie?" Kate interrupts quietly, ignoring the way Castle's watching her, like he knows what's going on. He reads her entirely too easy.

There's silence on the other line and for a moment Kate is certain that Lanie's going to hang up. It's not as though Kate could resent her for it. She'd left Lanie's life with no valuable reasons why, had never left a note, had never even contacted her to let her know that she was okay. For all Lanie knew, Kate could've been dead. Maybe they had looked for a body. Maybe they had looked for her. Maybe they had cared, after all- Despite everything that she had put them all through. Lanie, and the boys, did not deserve the treatment she'd given them. She was the reason that their captain had died. She was the reason that their lives were pulled into a mess of corruption. But- But leaving had seemed like the only option. The only way to get them all out of this. Except herself, of course. Still searching for answers. Needing them like they are precious oxygen.

"Kate?"

Lanie's voice brims with excitement and confusion and happiness and anger- so many emotions and Kate can't sort through them all, not when she feels as though she's going to pass out any moment now. Not when her own veins are practically throbbing beneath her skin with nerves and pain.

"Yeah, Lanie." Kate whispers. "It's me."

Lanie allows a moment of silence, and then-

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, where the hell have you been?!" She yells, and Kate holds the cell away from her ear a little, wincing. "Do you _know _how worried you had us all? One minute you're alive and recovering and the next you're just _gone_. We thought you were dead! We thought that they'd got to you! Esposito and Ryan searched for months, until one day your dad rolled up to the precinct and told us that you were alive, that you'd gone into hiding. Hiding, Kate? For five years? Without a word to any of us? How the Hell were we supposed to know if you were okay, if you were safe? Whatever you needed, we could've _helped _you with, girl."

Lanie falls silent and Kate feels Castle wiping away the tears that stain her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Lanie." She murmurs, fists clenched around the grass, unable to convey the level of her apology.

"Damn right you're sorry." Lanie hisses. "What the Hell happened to you, Kate? I thought you were getting better. I thought you were moving on."

Kate rubs a weak hand across her forehead, grimaces at the feel of drying blood. "Lanie- I-" She chokes on the words and clenches her jaw in determination. "I swear, I can explain everything to you. But I need you to do something for me."

"Oh, so that's what this is? You need a favor and thought that you could just come running to me after five years of nothin'? Na-uh, honey."

Kate accepts the words quietly. She deserves them.

"Lanie." She says slowly, feeling the life draining from her with every blink. "I-I'm in a lot of trouble and I need your help. I- I don't think that I can- can make it without your help." She hiccups around the words. "I think I'm gonna die, Lanie."

Castle's hand squeezes tight around her own reflexively and she feels herself wince. He must catch it because his grip becomes lighter immediately, almost letting go if it weren't for the way she holds on tight, unwilling to let him go if these are her last moments, if this is the day she's finally- finally- going to die.

Lanie changes attitude swiftly, making Kate rattle off her injuries across the phone, hearing Lanie gather herself as she does. Not once does Castle let go of her hand, thumb stroking softly against the skin, quietly comforting her just the way that she needs it. His breath hitches when she explains where they are to Lanie, urging her to hurry and not be seen by anyone. The police are bound to find the body soon and being to search the perimeter. They don't have long.

"Lanie." She whispers just before she ends the call, eyes turning away from Castle as she does. As though she can have any kind of privacy. "If- If you come here and I'm already-" She can't say the words, but she needs to get them out, because she feels like her body is caving in on itself, "dead. Or- Or you don't think I'll make it. Then, Lanie please, there's a guy here, his name's Castle and I need you to get him out of this-"

"Kate-"

"Castle, shut up." She protests weakly at his words, turning back to speak into the phone. "If there's no chance I'll make it, then _please, _get him out of here. He's not done anything wrong, let Javi and Kevin speak to him about all of this, okay? Just make sure he's safe. I know I have no right to ask you to do anything for me, but please, Lanie. Please."

There's a stunned silence on the other end of the phone, and she hears Lanie sniff.

"Damn, girl." She whispers. "What happened to you?"

They end the phone call and Kate turns to Castle. Finds him staring at her with a mix of emotions swirling in his eyes- anger, anxiety, grief- and she doesn't have the heart to try and protest against them. She's selfish enough, though, to wish that he would stop staring at her in that way. She doesn't want this to be the last time she sees his eyes. Kate wants them to be how they were before, happy and carefree, so much light shining in their blue depths. That's how she wants to remember him. Not like this. Not this broken, damaged version of him that's only come about because of her. Dying with the weight of that guilt would be too much.

"Castle." She whispers, reaching out to stroke his jaw.

He captures her hands with his own, leaning forwards to press his forehead against hers. "Kate, don't give up. Help's on the way, okay? Your friend will help you. You're gonna be okay."

But her vision is blurring and she can't see his eyes anymore. Is it death or are they tears? She's not sure and she doesn't have the energy to check her cheeks with her hands. Simply leans against him, forehead pressing into his shoulder and breathes him in. He smells like cologne and sweat and home. Always home.

"Promise me, if there's no help for me, you'll go with her."

"Kate-"

"Think of your daughter. Think of Alexis. You need to get out of all of this for her, okay?"

"That's not fair. Please don't make me choose between you two."

"Why? Because your choice is the right one?" She whispers weakly, feeling her eyes close without her permission. Kate sighs heavily, the weight of all the things she'll never get to say, never get to do, too heavy on her chest.

"No. Because I can't live myself after a choice like that. Please, Kate. You're gonna be just fine, okay? Your friend- Lanie- she'll fix your leg up and- and whatever else it is that's wrong. Right, Kate? Right?"

His pleading is cutting through the jagged edges of her heart.

Kate reaches up with all of her last strength and presses a soft kiss to the pulse beating rapidly in his neck. She's glad it's him, here, holding her; no matter how selfish that is of her, no matter the lasting impact it will have on him. She's selfish and she knows it. But he holds her and she feels all the love he has for her and it's so different compared to the first time she felt her life leave her body. So different to bleeding out from the chest because of a bullet, nobody holding her close and murmuring her name over and over, telling her that it will be okay.

"I loved you, Castle." Is she already speaking about herself in past tense? "For a little while."

She never does hear his answer. Simply feels his arms hold her tighter even though she's slipping away for the last time.

* * *

Castle holds her, whimpering, whispering her name over and over. Watching the blood trickle from her mouth and the way her eyes close. If it weren't for the mangled state of her leg, the blood staining her skin red, then he could probably describe her as peaceful. Probably. There's just- No ghosts haunting her in this state. No ever-present cloud looming over her like an omen. She could almost be sleeping, if he squints his eyes hard enough and pretends.

His hands ghost over her clammy, already cold skin, trying to warm her in any way possible. Wraps his jacket tighter around the wound of her leg. Prays as he trembles and his heart stutters that she'll be okay. She has to be. She has only just begun living her life again, he had this plan going to get her back to normality, to make her leave her assassin ways. He had all these dreams, so sudden and intense for a woman he's barely known a week, about her meeting his daughter, his mother, leaving an even larger mark on his life than she already had. A white dress.

But she's still in his hands and he presses a kiss to her forehead, words clogging in his throat and choking him.

"My God."

He hears the gasp come from somewhere to his right and looks up to find a dark skinned woman dressed appropriately for the spring morning rushing towards them. Her eyes are filled with torment and if he hadn't seen that he would've hid Kate's body away from her, but something in him instantly knows who this woman is.

"You're Lanie?"

The woman falls to her knees before Kate, never sparing him a glance, trembling hands running across Kate's leg, her ribs, the back of her head. Whispering strangled words he can't decode.

"Hey. You. You-You're Lanie, right?"

Lanie looks up at Castle's more firm statement, eyes watering with tears. "Yeah, I am. You're," she lets out a laugh as she says his name, "Richard Castle. Huh. Of course."

"Of course?"

Lanie smirks, running a hand through Kate's hair fondly. "You were always this girl's favourite author."

He notices her use of past tense. His heart rate starts picking up because no, God no, this cannot be happening. Kate is not allowed to die. That's not how it goes. He can't allow it. Won't ever let it.

"Please tell me you can save her." He manages to say around his tears, staring Lanie in the eyes. "Please don't let her die."

Lanie's hand covers his and squeezes sympathetically, eyes glittering. "Honey, I'll try. But- But I have to respect her wishes. If there's too little hope, I'm sorry. We'll have to leave her."

"No!" He protests loudly, clutching Kate's body tighter in his hands. "No, you can't just give up on her."

"I'm not giving up on her if I save _you. _Damn, I haven't heard from her in five years. You're important if she broke that record for my help. Not just my medical help either, but to get you out of this. Whatever this is."

He meets her eyes. Forgets every rule he's ever learned about being polite. "You save her life or you damn well learn to live with her death on your shoulders, because I swear, I will never let you forget it."


	22. Chapter 22

**heart so helpless**

**And then the fanfiction writer fell in love with her readers.**

* * *

There's a short time in which they are both silent, staring at each other, waiting for the other one to blink. Almost as though this is a game; like there is a winner to be found between the pair of them. As though there is no consequences to be sought by one decision. As though there is not a dying woman in his own arms.

Lanie sighs and pulls Kate's limp body from his arms, settles her gently on the ground. As though she is made of china. It makes his eyes water to see her be treated in this way. She's usually so strong- never defeated by anything. Is she even breathing anymore?

His heart burns and he closes his eyes against the feeling, trying to ignore the waves of grief that threaten to drown him. Because she cannot be gone. She cannot ever leave him.

He will not allow it.

* * *

There's pain everywhere. It licks through her veins. Through her leg. Her ribs. Flares brightly in the scar on her chest.

Her tired eyes slowly blink open and she takes in the blurry sight of a dark figure. She's too confused to figure out what is going on (where is Castle?) and lets her eyes fall back shut again. No. She has already had her last moments. The large bulk figure of Castle, his warm hands reminding her of home, leaning in close to him and confessing thoughts that she never thought she'd ever feel again.

_Let me go, let me go, let me go_. She thinks. Thinks it and so suddenly all of those times that she's come so close to death and the adrenaline had pumped through her veins makes sense.

"Don't you dare die on me, girl."

"Lanie?"

Oh. Her voice is rasp and it burns in her throat to speak. How long has she been passed out? Dead? Wherever the hell she was, she wants to go back there. This world is full of too much pain. Death was easy. Dark. Painless. Nothing.

"Yeah, it's me. And as soon as you're okay again, I am going to give you a serious talking to. I mean, damn, how in the Hell did this even happen to you?"

She blocks the voice out and weakly attempts to open her eyes again. They focus this time and she finds an openly-smiling Lanie staring at her, before she looks back down, tending to Kate's leg. Kate hisses at the pain that flares even brighter there when Lanie goes back to it, but Lanie ignores her, simply continues working.

"You've lost a lot of blood, girl. You need to go to a hospital."

Kate shakes her head limply. "No. No hospital. Too risky." She argues weakly.

Lanie pauses, looking up at Kate with wide eyes. "Writer boy over there has been quiet 'bout what it is you two are involved in. Care to shed some light?"

Automatically, her mouth opens to lie. That's all she is now, after all. A body full of lies. A life full of lies. The only thing constant and eternal truth about her is that she loves Castle with all of her damaged little heart.

But then she pauses, thinks it through for a moment. Rationally. Lanie wouldn't ever tell on her, no matter these circumstances. Lanie is- or was, at least- her best friend. Besides, it's more than that. Lanie deserves the truth. Kate's dragged her into this mess now and her fingers will forever be tainted if Kate's ever caught, or gives herself in (why is that thought there? Why would she ever give herself in?). And after everything Kate put her through before, she owes her this. At the very least.

"Car crashed into us from behind." She murmurs. "On purpose, of course. Tried to kill us. Castle. Me. I don't know anymore."

Lanie's eyes water. "Is this to do with your Mom's case?"

Kate bites her lip, finds her hands are suddenly trembling and that the pain is magnified. "I don't know anymore, Lanie. It wasn't at first. It was just- Someone wanted him dead- And I just..." She looks down at her hands. Watches them tremble. Why are they trembling?

It hurts too much so she changes the topic. "Lanie, I told you to leave me if I was too far gone." She says lowly, still staring at her hands.

Lanie's reach out and cover her own, dark skin contrasting against Kate's. "I thought about it. At first. You wanted to protect him and you did seem to far gone, but..." Lanie hesitates, and Kate doesn't dare look at her. Lanie squeezes their hands together and Kate supposes it's supposed to be reassuring but it's really, really not. "But your boy was adamant that I save you. And I don't think I could've lived with myself if I just let you go like that, honey."

She shouldn't say it, she really shouldn't, but having a ghost from her past makes her weak.

"Lanie. I wanted you to let me die."

Kate feels hands on her at that, forcing her to lift her chin and suddenly she finds herself staring into the startling fierce eyes of Lanie Parish. Not just Lanie Parish, but her best friend Lanie Parish, the one who was never afraid to speak her mind. The one who had always talked Kate out of her lows, always patched her up after a round of PTSD, the one who kept her heart beating when she had almost spiraled from life in the back of an ambulance. And this Lanie. This Lanie has always terrified Kate.

"Don't you dare say you want to die, Kate Beckett." Lanie growls. "You have a man here who absolutely loves you, I can tell, and you love him too. You have _always _had me and the boys, no matter what you do or where you are. We are here for you. You are not alone."

Kate's chest heaves and her lungs hurt- actually, her whole body hurts. She wishes that Lanie could give her something for the pain. But the problem is that she doesn't think that the pain is wholly physical anymore. It hasn't been for such a long time. The pain is in her mind and it's buried there, unbreachable. Lanie can't just give her medicine for the pain in her mind. Nobody can make that go away. Even when she's with Castle, it's still there; no matter what form it takes. Whether it's grief over losing her Mom or the despairing loneliness. Or the lack of answers that she can barely live with or the well-known and extremely cliche feeling of never being good enough. It just doesn't go away.

And this- This could've been her escape. Lanie could've taken Castle to Ryan and Esposito and they would've worked this whole thing out. Castle would've been safe. He would've had no choice but to leave her behind and move on, back to his daughter and his safe life. And she could've had an escape from the pain. She could be with her Mom.

Damn, she could be with her _Mom._

"Lanie." Kate hiccups. "Make it stop. Please."

Lanie softens immediately, leaning back and tending to Kate's upper leg again. "I am, honey. I'm doing as best as I can."

_Not that. Make the world stop spinning. Make my heart stop beating._

But the words don't come and they swallow her whole from the inside.

"Your boy's watching guard." Lanie says almost conversationally. "For cops. But I phoned Javi and Ryan and told them to prevent any officers from coming here 'til I've got you outta here."

Despite her swirling mind and her inability to form a single sentence without feeling the pain echo through her body, her eyes bulge and she begins to protest. "Lanie, no. Don't bring the boys into this."

Lanie shrugs. "I didn't exactly. Javi was called to a murder in the area." Lanie looks at her from the corner of her eye, almost suspiciously. "There was a car crash and a man's neck sliced wide open. You're lucky it's my day off and Perlmutter's in charge. And that I'm conveniently ignoring that blade of yours that you've got hidin' in your pocket."

Kate's hands find purchase on the ground and instantly she forces her arms to have strength. Tries to push herself up and away from the tree so that they can go, her heart pounding furiously in her chest with fear. Ignoring Lanie's commands that she stays still. Eventually she slumps under the pressure of Lanie's hands pushing her shoulders down, weak arms giving out. And she has never felt so utterly useless than she does in this moment. This moment when she can't even fight her best friends hands and escape when just hours ago she could take on men three times her size. Kill them with one calculated move.

"What the _Hell _are you trying to do?" Lanie cries, fists clenched by her side. "You're not leavin' here until I say so, Katherine Beckett."

"They're gonna find my blood in the car. They can match it. They'll have my blood on the system already from when I used to be a detective." Kate grinds out, eyes glittering with tears. "Let me die, Lanie, but please don't let me get caught. I couldn't-"

"Kate, honey, please stop worrying. I won't let that happen, okay? That's not going to happen."

"But my blood was everywhere. I was too weak to do anything about the cars and usually I'm better than that. Usually I don't do stuff like this in broad daylight. I've made so many mistakes-"

"Lanie?"

Castle's shout cuts through Kate's worried babbling, panicked and an octave too high. Kate's pulse instantly escalates, especially at the sight of Castle tearing through the greenery of the forest, eyes fixed on Lanie and not her.

"They're here." He says, making Kate frown.

"Who's here?" Kate asks, catching his attention for the first time.

A wide grin splits across his face straight away, eyes almost spilling over in happiness and relief. Although she feels completely confused by this situation and irritated that she's being left out of the loop, Kate can't help the way that her heart stutters at the sight. Immediately her hands reach out for him, just slightly, too weak to do anything more. She's so relieved when he hurries right to her side, taking her hands in his and kissing her reverently. Softly. Too many emotions for her to find the right adjectives for, other than the fact that it makes her toes curl despite her aching body and for the dead weight of her heart to feel staccato bursts of light.

They break apart and he sighs in relief. "You're alive."

"Yeah." She grins wryly. "Apparently someone demanded I be brought back from the dead."

"Huh. Don't see why. I mean, you're a terrible cook."

For the quip he earns himself a twist of the ear, but she's smiling so much despite this situation and she is so incredibly grateful that he is here for her. So incredibly grateful to have ever met him. And, damn, she knows that she's going to miss him almost more than she misses the person that she used to be. But, she thinks, when the time comes that she is certain he is safe and protected and they part ways (unwillingly on Castle's part), she is more than anything going to simply be grateful that he ever shone his light in her life; that she was ever given the chance to love him. For him to love her.

"That's a lie and you know it." She tells him.

He pokes his tongue out at her. "So shoot me."

Oh- That's not. No. Because she remembers looking through a sniper rifle with him as the target, alone in his apartment. And she had been so ready to shoot. So ready to take his life.

A throat clearing breaks through her thoughts and she turns to find Lanie staring at her in a way she never has before. Smug. But not quite. Happy. But a little less so. All the same, it breaks the moment she and Castle are having, and brings her back into the present time. With her broken body and their panicked situation.

"You guys are cute and everything, but we need to move you. Now."

"Uh. Lanie, a second ago you were stopping me from moving."

Lanie arches an eyebrow. "Yeah. I said you weren't goin' anywhere 'til I said so. I'm sayin' so now. We're gonna get you out of this."

Kate begins to feel the flutter of nerves in the bottom of her stomach.

"We?" She asks, glancing at Castle. "You said that they're here. Who's here? You better not have gotten anyone else involved in this."

Lanie just sighs. "I knew you were gonna be difficult about this."

And just at that moment, she hears the rustling of leaves to her right, that flutter of nerves breaking out and spreading throughout her whole body as the footsteps approach. Closer. And closer. Heavy, thudding footfalls. They scare her so much that she feels like her heart's in her stomach, her hands in Castle's begin to tremble again. Not just out of pain this time.

And then from between the trees emerge two figures, dressed formally, brows furrowed in anger and something that looks like fear.

Her heart all but spills free of the confines of her ribs.

"Yo Beckett." Esposito says with a grin, despite the anger in his eyes. "I hear you let someone get the drop on you."

Ryan frowns at him. "That's not how I'd put it."

Esposito turns to him with his eyebrows raised. "Dude. Are you seriously gonna argue with me on this?"

"Well, the way you phrased it makes it sound-"

"Guys." She breathes. So quietly. She's surprised when they break from their bickering to turn to her. Tears springing to her eyes at the familiar sight of them. "Oh, God, guys. What are you doing here?"

Ryan smiles. "We're here to help you, Beckett."

"But- I just-" Her words get caught in her throat because what is she supposed to say, really? The only reason she had been able to get her words out with Lanie was because she needed someone to rescue Castle. But now Ryan and Esposito are here, and it's been so long, and she's destroyed their lives so badly already. And she doesn't know how to refuse their help without being offensive. She doesn't know how to refuse them full stop.

They look so well. All of them, not just the boys. Ryan, Esposito and Lanie. Ryan looks a little older, some of that innocence within him that he'd always had lost. But other than that, they only seemed to have improved from not having her darkness in their lives. And she doesn't miss the rings on Lanie and Esposito's fingers. She just figures it's not her place to ask about that. It hasn't been since she upped and left five years ago.

"Oh, God, guys. I've missed you all so much. I have." She babbles, clinging onto Castle's hand and drawing the strength from him that she doesn't possess anymore. "But you can't get caught up in this. You need to leave. Now."

But then her mind is getting fuzzy and as she speaks her words don't fit right around her tongue. They fall heavy and her eyes begin to close, grip slackening in Castle's no matter how much she wills herself to stay awake. Stay alert. This is the first time that she has been so weak since she was shot. Almost trumps it. Because at least then she'd had the promise of death on the other side.

"Lanie..." She turns to her for help, her earlier wishes on the tip of her tongue, but they don't make it out.

"Castle." She says instead, because she can always find him. No matter what.

Just before her eyes drift close, she catches sight of the makeshift drip Lanie has set up. She smirks, but soon it fades and she finds herself falling without consent into the realm of dreams.


	23. Chapter 23

**heart so helpless**

**You guys are the best. The best. Apologies for the atrocious writing. I'm seriously so ashamed of this chapter.  
**

* * *

Castle hovers uselessly as they carefully lay her out across the backseats of the car, ignores the curious looks of the two detectives to recently join them. He thinks that Lanie may have said that their names were Ryan and Esposito, but he can't be sure, and he's not quite sure which one is which. Not that he cares terribly much. His attention has tunneled in on Kate and her currently wax-work features; he's blind to anything other than her. If he had the choice, he would take her home and nurse her better himself. But he doesn't have a choice, these are extreme circumstances. The only thing he can do is trust these three strangers with her life.

He climbs in the back so that her head rests in his lap, lolling at his movements limply. Her long legs are a little cramped in the small space of the car and he winces at the angle they'd had to stretch her wounded left leg. The doctor Kate had called, Lanie, had assured him that it was simply a sprained ankle and superficial wounds. That her ribs were bruised, not cracked. That she had a mild concussion, nothing large.

This information, he thinks, is supposed to help calm him. But it doesn't. Nothing can stop the _whoosh whoosh whoosh _of his heart in his ears. It hasn't gone away for a long time. He doesn't see it ever going away. Not until she comes back to him; healthy, safe and strong. Even when she opens her eyes again this very day, she won't be the same. She will be weak- Physically. And that will hurt her. And, of course, that will do nothing but hurt him down to the very core of himself, where he finds that she is wrapped around him tightly.

"Hold that drip up high, Castle." Lanie warns as she climbs into the drivers seat. One of the detectives, Esposito, climbs in beside her.

"What are..." He clears his throat and directs his attention to the detective. "Why are you coming with us?"

Esposito gives him a strange look, as though it should be obvious. "Beckett's hurt."

Beckett, huh? He tries that out in his mind, and find it fits kind of right on his tongue. After all, Kate is this mysterious, murderous shadow and calling her by her first name sometimes seems so overwhelming. Especially now that, it seems, she rarely ever allows anyone to call her Kate. Beckett sounds strong, too. Sharp. Just like her.

He smiles at the man's loyalty despite his runaway thoughts. "Yeah. Sorry. Stupid of me to ask, I guess."

And then, because all falls silent in the car as Lanie drives, he adds: "I just- I don't really know you. She's not really ever spoken of you. I'm just trying to figure out your motives here, man, no offense."

Lanie gives a click of her tongue. "Oh, I am _so _having words with her when she's not knocked out from drugs. Not mentioning me?" Lanie simply raises her eyebrows and lets out a little huff before falling silent.

"She didn't..." Esposito's eyebrows knit together as he turns to face Castle in the back seat. "How long have you known Beckett, Castle?"

Oh. So the 'Castle' habit really is a typical cop thing. He smothers a smile at it.

Then he lets out a ridiculous laugh. "Oh, man, only the shortest time. Probably like eight or nine days now. I don't know. I wasn't counting."

Esposito and Lanie are both silent at his answer, and he watches Lanie's reaction in the rear view mirror since she seems like the most rational out of the two. Or, at least, the friendliest. He's been getting nothing but bad vibes off this detective ever since he had first seen him and the other one rushing through the woods. Though he supposes that Esposito knew Kate back before all of this; he's bound to be protective. She was a part of his team. And Castle's a stranger to him.

Castle's trying to fill in the blanks, though. He still doesn't truly know how she became this. He knows it started around the time she was shot. He doesn't know if these people, these apparent friends or team of hers, know what it is she does for a living now. Their weird arrangement.

"So, you've known her for nine days, and suddenly she's ending up like this?" The man gestures to Kate's unconscious body, his whole body suddenly tense and on the attack.

Oh. Woah. Okay- That was not- No. He's got this wrong.

But before he can explain, Lanie lays a hand on Esposito's arm. "Javi," she says softly, "we haven't seen her in five years. She's changed a lot, but her trust issues haven't." Lanie's eyes lift to meet Castle's. They're almost smiling. "If Kate trusts him, then so can we."

Esposito keeps Castle's gaze for a few moments, the tension between them palpable. Castle gulps but holds his grounds. He will not let them take him away from Kate, and he will not let them take Kate away from him.

Finally, Esposito sighs and lets the moment go. There's still that slight stiffness to his body, as though he's ready to launch himself at Castle at any given moment, but Castle pretends not to notice it. It's actually pretty sweet that he's so willing to protect Kate that way. Or rather it would be if it didn't threaten Castle's ability to stay beside Kate at every moment throughout this whole ordeal. Then again, it's admirable that this loyalty and protectiveness of Kate is still there after five years of her being out of their lives. (Was that her choice or hers?)

"Uh... So, where did the other detective go?" Castle asks nervously.

"Ryan went back to the precinct to cover for us. Our captain- Gates- is pretty hard on rules and reg. Especially since Beckett..." Esposito falters for a moment, "Well, ever since she disappeared, I guess."

"Disappeared?" Castle chokes around the word.

"How much has she told you about her past, Castle?" Lanie asks quietly, taking a left turn.

"Just that... About her Mom. Being murdered. And that your captain was killed too? She was shot." He glances down at Kate and runs a hand through her hair. "I made her stop telling me. I mean, I wanted to know, but it was hurting her so much to relive it..."

He tries to ignore the memories of her sobbing, clutching to him desperately, ghosts in her eyes. Weak. Exposed. Flawed.

"Oh, Honey." Lanie sighs. "You've got a lot to learn about our Kate Beckett."

* * *

Her body feels lighter now. Like she's floating through air and the clouds are carrying her, wrapped around her providing her with this supernatural warmth that she feels settle comfortably in her heart for the first time. It doesn't hurt to open her eyes. The light around her doesn't blind her, though she does feel a bit slower in her movements than she normally is. Groggy. Like all of her paranoid senses have been cut off. Part of her revels in it, in the blissful peace that it provides. The more rational part of her panics. How will she ever protect Castle like this?

The first thing she takes in is that she is no longer in the forest. In fact, she's fairly certain she's laying on a bed. The pillow feels soft beneath her head. The duvet doesn't scratch beneath her fingers.

"Kate?"

She tilts her head slowly, movements all too groggy, and finds Castle sat beside her looking freshly shaven and all clean. No blood. Just a few bruises. "Castle." She rasps. "You okay?"

Castle laughs lightly, eyes sparkling as his hand reaches out to take hers. "Yeah, Kate. I'm okay now." He presses a kiss to her knuckles.

He stares at her intently, like he's trying to tell her something, or like he's trying to figure something out; possibly like he's finally found something worth seeing. Her sleepy smile and recovering body is all it takes to make at him like that, really? Perhaps it's relief. It's probably relief.

"Castle. The staring's still creepy." She croaks out, and he giggles. So macho.

"Yeah. Not sorry."

She hears a click and turns her head to the noise. Or rather lets her head flop to the side. Her neck feels so weak. So weak. So peaceful. Damn. Can she feel this peaceful all the time?

"Lanie." She greets the woman with a scowl. "You drugged me."

Lanie shrugs, reaching the side of Kate's bed. "I knew you wouldn't follow our plan."

If she had the energy, she'd roll her eyes. "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Lanie snorts. "Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it."

Castle's grip on her hand is too pained for a moment, and she glances over to him, notices the grief-stricken expression haunting the lines of his weary face. Knows he's thinking back on all the violence he's been exposed to this past, what, week? And it's all her fault. All her fault for ever being so selfish as to take him with her. So selfish as to not take his life in the first place. Easily. Quickly. Before he had the chance to fall in love with her and make it all that harder for her to leave him all alone.

"So." Lanie interrupts their moment without raised eyebrows, which surprises Kate. "Most of your wounds are superficial. That gash on your leg's gonna need to be kept bandaged for quite some time and you really should wear a knee brace. That'll help with your sprained ankle, too." Lanie sighs. "Your rib's are bruised but not cracked, as far as I can tell. I think you've slept off your concussion. However, I can't rule out any internal damage unless you let me take you to a hospital-"

"No. No hospital." She insists again.

"Kate." Castle warns.

Her words clog in her throat. How can she possibly explain to them that the problem isn't the hospital itself- she created many fake ID's and a fake medical records, passports and birth certificates many years ago- but being away from Castle? She may be hurt, she may be too drugged to move, but it'll ease her mind to be by him. There's no way she will leave him alone. Not with this inevitable danger headed right for him. Especially not since this all seems to be orientated around her Mom's case, around Montgomery. Not while she's still in the dark as to why anyone would want to kill him in the first place.

"No, Castle." She says tiredly, meeting his eyes and hoping he understands.

He doesn't argue, but he doesn't look happy with it, either.

Kate turns back to Lanie, searching her eyes. Pleading. The woman doesn't say a word, and Kate can't read her so well anymore. Unaware of how she truly feels about this.

So instead she swiftly changes topic. "Anything else I've missed?"

Lanie bites her bottom lip. "Ryan and Javi have your knife."

She splutters instantly, sending a shooting pain down her left leg. Grits her teeth against it and hisses instead. "Are you kidding me?"

"Well, they're investigating the murder, so they needed to-"

"They're going to _arrest me?"_

Lanie stares at Kate like she's just grown another head. "Girl, what planet are you livin' on? No, they've headed off to destroy it."

"Destroy-? Lanie, no! It's their murder investigation. They can't- I can't let them be corrupt- Not for me. Never for me."

"It wouldn't be the first time." Lanie mutters darkly.

Kate's heart falls into the pit of her stomach. Slouches back into her pillow and resists the temptation to curl herself into a ball, to hide herself away from all the pain that life brings. No. She is not a little girl.

But that- That's one of the reasons why she left. Because it was always in their eyes. The ghost of Montgomery. Haunting her. Them. Every single on of them. And she had just thought that if she had kept them out of what she was going to do then they would lose their ghosts. That they would stop blaming her just that little bit less.

Kate lifts her eyes to Lanie's and, blindly, she hopes to see her best friends clear eyes.

She finds their ghosts blazing there, relentless. Painful. Reaching out for her and pulling her too far into the past- too far- so far that she just wants to _stop.  
_Forever.

Castle's hand squeezes and pulls her back to the present. Back to life.

She has never loved him more.


	24. Chapter 24

**heart so helpless**

**Much love to you all. Apologies for late update. It was Mother's Day and then I got sick, so I didn't have much time to write. However, you now get why Kate became an assassin, so yay?**

* * *

The drugs that Lanie gives her take control of her body for most of the day. Ravage through her system in the sweetest way and she aches to reject them, because she doesn't want to become dependent on the relief of medication, not like her dad became dependent on the bottom of a bottle to get him through the day. But the relief from the pain is too sweet to ignore, so she caves into it.

Each time she finds herself resurfacing, Castle's holding her hand, right beside her. She aches to tell him to go clean up. Wipe the blood from his body. Get checked over by Lanie. But, as always, she is human and she is selfish. She will not let him go.

One time, she's certain that she sees blue eyes that aren't Castle's. They water and hold her gaze. But she slips back under, dreaming of every guilty murder she's ever committed with the morals that she can't remember anymore.

"Kate."

Castle's voice rouses her from her slumber and she peeks at him out of the corner of one eye.

"Castle?" She rasps, lost between the haze of the pain in real life and the bliss of medicine.

"Hey." He smiles at her widely, brushing a thumb across the back of her hand. "Welcome back to the land of the living."

Kate winces at the sound of a door slamming. "It's great to be back." She remarks sarcastically.

Castle looks over at something she can't see and smirks. Doesn't say a word and turns his blue eyes back on hers, twinkling with amusement. She glares in return.

"Yo girl. Finally decided to take a break from being sleeping beauty?"

Kate shifts uncomfortably on the bed to turn to them. Ryan and Esposito stand by her bed looking every inch like the partners she remembers them to be. Protective, if the way Esposito seems to respond to Castle is any clue, and as ever, there to make her smile in the darkest of times. And, God, she's missed them. She's missed them so much but guilt is so heavy in her chest. It hurts. Almost drags her down completely.

"Yeah, Espo. I thought I'd leave that job to you." She returns good naturedly.

Espo grins at her despite the anger she can see lurking in his eyes. "Funny."

Castle squeezes her hand and she takes all of the strength that she can from it. Glances between the dark eyes of Esposito and the light ones of Ryan. Tries to find the answers that they're not ready to give.

"So." She says, clearing her throat. "You wanna tell me where I am?"

Esposito shoves his hands in his pockets, glancing away. Ryan answers for him. "Esposito and Lanie's apartment." He supplies all too excitedly.

She surpasses the panic that she feels deep in her chest to tease him, if only for a moment. If only for a moment, she can be who she used to be. She can be the woman who teased Ryan about the Honeymilk remark and teased both Esposito and Lanie endlessly for being far too stubborn to admit that they were head over heels crazy about each other. A woman who could forget about the ghosts that plagued her every night.

"I knew it." She says smugly, revelling in the slight blush that seems to warm Esposito's neck. "You're both wearing rings."

"Great, isn't it?" Ryan says, grinning. "I haven't shut up about it."

"Yeah, well, moving on." Esposito grumbles in embarrassment, making Ryan and Kate grin only wider.

"Where is Lanie, by the way?" Kate asks them.

"Gone off to grab some more supplies for you and see if she can take over- Perlmutter, was it?- in being the ME for this case." Castle answers her, trying to fall into the easy conversation that they've built.

Kate smiles at his answer. Tries not to think about how well Ryan and Esposito would've gelled with Castle in any other life but this one. She could picture it. Castle beside her at her desk, her partner not only romantically but in crime too. Good natured jokes with the boys, drinks with the team to celebrate. Like a family.

She's broken from these foolish dreams by the harsh truth of reality.

"Hey." Esposito steps forwards, almost angrily. "She was asking us. Not you."

She watches Castle stiffen slightly in response, but he seems more amused by Esposito's reaction to him than anything. Of course he would. He's strange.

But she turns to Esposito with a frown, and what she hopes is a disapproving glare. She knows that he always liked to play the big brother card on any man that stepped ten feet close to her, but this was pretty much pushing it. This was Castle, for god's sake. The man couldn't kill a fly without writing a ten page monologue about how guilty he felt. (But he could murder for her without a second thought.)

"Javi." She warns, eyes flicking over to Ryan to see him also looking pretty annoyed. What is up with them? "Lay off."

Esposito simply bulks up, like he's preparing for a fight. Ryan shifts uncomfortably beside him, but not all too innocently either. They're both looking for a reason to hurt Castle, as though she's going to give them permission. What the Hell?

"Uh, I didn't mean anything by it." She hears Castle say, but she's unwilling to move her eyes away from Esposito's. Simply squeezes his hand in reassurance. He hasn't done anything wrong.

"You expect us to trust him?" Esposito growls, sweeping a hand towards Castle. A vein almost popping through his forehead in anger. "You have been gone for five years, Beckett. Five years. No phone calls, no emails, no notes left behind to assure us that you were okay. And now suddenly you appear along with the body of a murdered man, looking like hell, and you want us to believe it's not his fault?"

Anger flares deeply inside her chest then and she sits up straighter, eyes narrowing at him. "It's not his fault. It will never be his fault." She clutches Castle's hand tightly, her anchor to reality. "Who's the one that murdered the man? Me." She spits bitterly, watching Esposito's eyes widen. "Who's weapon did you have to dispose of because of the murder? Mine. Who has been the one there to protect me? Castle. So you're going to trust him Javi or I swear to God I will walk out of that door again."

"Gonna run, Beckett?" Ryan says sourly, making her startle in surprise. "Like you did before?"

She narrows her eyes at him, unused to having to argue with Ryan. It leaves her feeling horrible. Ryan's never been one to pick a fight.

"You wouldn't get far, and you know it. Even without your injuries, you're exhausted as hell, and undernourished. You couldn't even leave this building without needing someone to carry you out."

Castle's gripping her hand tightly now. As though he can barely believe the words he's hearing. As though he's suddenly terrified for her well being.

"I am so much stronger than you guys think I am." She growls. "So much."

"Oh yeah?" Esposito steps forward, taking over Ryan's place in the argument. "You so sure about that? Because the Kate Beckett that I knew would not commit murder. She would not claim to be in love with a man she's known for ten days."

Tears well in her eyes then, and she can't tell whether they're angry or hurt ones, but she feels embarrassment flood her system because of them. No. They will not see her so weak. They will never see her so weak ever again. And as for the comment about Castle? She will not let it go. Esposito is not going to get away with this. No matter how much he believes he's in the right, she will not let him get away with remarks like that about Castle.

"I am not the Kate Beckett that you knew." She says lowly. The tone of voice that she used to use on suspects when trying to intimidate them. "A lot has changed. It has been six years since I left the force. Five years since I saw you last. You really think you can dictate whether I'm strong or weak?"

Esposito says nothing in return, jaw tight. Eyes bulging.

"What do you think I've been doing for five years, Espo? Why do you think I've been hiding? Because I can tell you, it's not for good reasons. It's not for legal reasons. You think that I wouldn't commit murder? Well, you're wrong. I commit murder without thinking now. I get paid for it." She snarls, watching Esposito and Ryan both take a step back.

"You... You're an assassin?" Ryan asks, dumbfounded.

She remembers words from long ago. Words to Castle, when she denied what she was. An enforcer, she'd called herself. As though using a different word for it would mitigate its true meaning. As though she was worth any more than the low lives that committed murder just because, rather than for money.

"Yes." She answers.

And, for the first time since she'd met him, she feels Castle pull away.

"You knew about this?" Esposito seethes, looking towards Castle.

She can't look at him. She doesn't think that she could stand the look of disgust on Castle's face now that she's accepted what she truly is. Breaking this perfect image of her that he's created once again.

"Yes." Castle croaks.

Esposito and Ryan stare at her, eyes wide. Almost comically. But of course, there is nothing funny in this situation. Nothing at all.

"How could you do this, Beckett? Hell, you're no better than the low lives we used to hunt down every day."

"Because I had no other choice!" She yells in despair, hands closing around nothing. Oh. Castle let go of her hand.

"No other choice?" Esposito repeats. "No other choice but to kill?"

She clenches her jaw. Tries to breathe through the words. It doesn't work. It never works.

"Do you have... Any idea what it was like, for me? You guys had to drag me out of that hangar, kicking and screaming. And because of my stupidity, our captain died. I had to look in your eyes both before and after the shooting and know that you guys blamed me."

Her heart feels hollow and there's no one left to care.

"The Chief of detectives came to me when I was still in hospital. Told me that I needed to leave the force. I was too involved, he said. I was only causing bad press for the NYPD. I tried to argue, but it wasn't enough. He was so obviously being paid to fire me. So obvious... And foolishly I thought it would be okay. That you guys were still on the force. Why did it matter that I'd lost the job that allowed me to investigate my mom's murder? You guys could get me information, I'd thought. But you got nowhere, and I had nothing. And then the sniper case happened, and my PTSD shone through, and nobody gave a shit." She snarls, hands trembling with remembering all that pain. So much pain. "I couldn't afford my therapist anymore. I didn't have a job. My savings were running out and my dad ran back to alcohol."

She quietens. Heart pounding. Hoping they won't push her for anything more.

"And then?" Ryan encourages her.

She pinches the bridge of her nose with her fingers. Wishes that she were anywhere but here.

"It started off small, I swear." She says quietly, curling in on herself as though she can disappear if she wishes hard enough. "Small favours for small bits of information. Or money. I needed to eat. A roof over my head. So I'd do whatever it was people wanted. Threaten someone who'd been disloyal to a gang, bug an office. Half the information gave me nothing. Useless. Most of it lead me into danger. None of it got me anywhere." She shrugs, closing her eyes. "Guess I got a reputation for it and didn't see it all escalating until it was too late."

"You didn't notice the fact that you'd turned into an assassin?"

"Of course I did. I was aware of when that happened. I still remember, the first time I killed..."

Her eyes glaze over as she remembers. A dark alley. Her switchblade in her hand. Four quick strikes into the woman's back, covering her mouth when she'd screamed and the tears had rolled freely down her face. Feeling the warm scarlet blood soak her clothes, congeal in her hair. Tried to ignore the sobs of 'What did I do? What did I DO?' because honestly Kate didn't know what the woman had done. She'd been so young, almost looked innocent. But she had something to do with gangs and drugs and for some reason Kate had found reasoning in this, like this made her a bad person. Like she deserved to be killed.

The woman had died and Kate knew exactly how to hide a murder from the police. After all, she'd been the best homicide cop in New York. Once. She'd burned the body back at her temporary hiding place, along with her clothes, and then went back to make sure she hadn't left prints at the scene. Sure enough she hadn't. There was a small amount of blood on the floor, but most of her clothes had soaked it up. And there was no body. If there was no body, there was no murder.

At least, that had been what she'd told herself as she ate breakfast the next morning. Bought with the blood money she had received from committing murder.

"Beckett."

She snaps out of the memory and finds that she's crying. She's not surprised. Doesn't even bother to wipe the tears away as she looks around at the three men in the room, looking for some sign of forgiveness.

"You don't understand. I couldn't let my reputation go. If I lost my reputation, then how would I get any information? How would I solve my mom's murder?"

Castle's staring at her with no expression on his face. Her heart sinks. No. Of the three of them, she thought that he would understand. He should understand.

"It's not like they didn't deserve it though, right? I mean, they might have gone out and killed innocent people. Destroyed innocent lives. They deserved it. Didn't they? Didn't they?" She babbles, beginning to feel panic and abandonment claw at her lungs.

Ryan and Esposito have both gone pale in the face, and suddenly they flee from the room, like they can't stand to be there with her anymore. It breaks her heart. This is breaking her heart. Why can't any of them understand? She just wants answers. That's all she's ever wanted. Just an answer to the question of why. Nobody could ever give it to her. She'd had to try. Right?

"Castle. Castle, please." She doesn't know what she's begging for when she turns to him, she just knows that she is.  
Her hand falls onto his but he pulls away. Staring at her like she's a stranger. Like he doesn't love her. Like he never did.

"How can you be so cold?"

It slices her heart in two.

"I don't know." She sobs. "I don't know."

He rises from his seat.

"I love you." She gasps. "I love you so much, Castle."

But he leaves her anyway. Alone with her aching heart and bruised lungs. Arching over herself and trying to find a way to move past the pain of being abandoned.

They always leave.


	25. Chapter 25

**heart so helpless**

**400+? That's crazy. When I opened up my emails this morning, I almost choked on my toast at the number. Thank you all so much. Also, the wonderful cover art for this fanfiction was made by Aisling. Who you may remember also made a fanmix for this fanfiction. THE GIRL'S A GENIUS. Seriously.  
**

**Also (and I hate putting these things in AN's, but 90% of you guys reviewed as guests) Castle is NOT shocked by the fact that she is an assassin, of course he knows about it. What he's shocked and saddened by is how she speaks about the victims as though she's right to kill them, how obsessed she is with catching her mom's killer that she has resorted to this. He loves her and he sees the Kate Beckett that we see on the actual show. The Kate Beckett here is NOT anything like the Kate in the current series. She's been alone for five years, licking her wounds in private, suffering from PTSD and her outrageous obsession for what she considers is justice. Castle has been oblivious to that for the entire fic, he's ignored this side of her. That is why he needed a moment alone. Nothing more.**

* * *

Castle leans against the wall, eyes closed and breathing laboured.

Her words are tumbling around in his mind and he can't let them go. How can he make them go away? _It's not like they didn't deserve it though, right? _No, Kate, no.

He presses his hands into his eyes and feels like he's bleeding with the weight of it all. This burden. He's always been fascinated by death, by murder, so much that he writes about it. So much that he writes about it, down to every last detail; but he's never written about this side of it. There has always been justice for the victims. Even the murderers that suffered from mental illnesses have been punished in his books, because that's what the victims and their family deserve. But this? This is different, being emotionally involved with the murderer, having them so tightly wound around his heart he can feel impressions of her with every breath that he takes.

Does Kate deserve to be punished?

_They deserved it. Right? Right?_

She's not thinking rationally.

But he- He can make her see. He can make her see how wrong it is.

He pushes off the wall but stops, pauses in his tracks as terror seizes his heart. Because he's not innocent. He's not innocent at all, he has blood on his hands, so fresh it's still sticky. And if he's not innocent, since he's murdered for her, does he have any right to help her in this? Does he have any right to sit her down and tell her that what she's done is wrong?

Because he knows that what he did was wrong, murdering that man, the man that once shot her. But he can't find himself to feel guilty about it, because if he hadn't, he would've lost Kate. He would've died, too.

This is his logic.

Why does it seem right when hers seems so wrong?

* * *

There are interruptions flooding through his mind.

There are interruptions in his musings, sounding awfully like voices, like wrenching sobs.

On the other side of this door, he can picture her crying. It hurts so far down, but he can't bring himself to go through to her. He is not entitled to anymore. She is going to leave him eventually. There is going to be a goodbye. Why not now? While he can still bring himself to see her go?

"You better be damn well kiddin' me, Javier Esposito."

He opens his eyes and finds Lanie standing before Esposito and Ryan, hands on her hips and eyes narrowed. When had she come back? He doesn't remember. He's been so caught up in his own laments, he lost track of time.

"Lanie, you are not going in there-"

"She is my _best friend_!" Lanie cries, fire in her eyes as she takes a step forwards to Esposito, poking him in the chest. Beside Castle, he feels Ryan flinch. Huh. So he's not the only one afraid of her. "No matter what's changed, I love that girl to pieces, Javi. And I know you do too."

"She's different chica, we can't know-"

"Oh, no, don't you dare _chica _me. This is Kate Beckett. I don't care what she's done, she is not thinkin' straight, and we're gonna help her, okay?"

Esposito's hands raise and wrap around Lanie's offending hands, clutching them tight as though he can't let her go. "Dammit, Lanie, she could hurt you."

Lanie is silent for a moment, stone-faced, and Castle thinks that Lanie finally gets it. Finally understands why there's the taste of bile at the back of his throat. Because he's had Kate the wrong way around this entire time and he doesn't know how he feels about this new version (or is she so new?) of her. Does he love her? Yes. Wholeheartedly. Completely. Infinitely. He is tethered to her and there is no way that he can free himself. But does he love her for this? No.

But then a tear drips down Lanie's cheek and it all comes gushing out, the overwhelming need to run to Kate, to gather her up in his arms and promise her that she can stop feeling this way. That she doesn't need to define herself by her mom's murder. That she doesn't have anything to prove. She can give it up, she can give it all up, and go back to a normal life. With him. Always.

"Javier Esposito, Kate would _never _hurt me. She knows me. I'm her best friend. Just like she knows you, and Ryan, and writer boy over there. We're all she has, and we're damn well not going to give up on her. We're going to help her through this, okay? The PTSD, her grief, all these problems- not to mention her trust issues which you are not helping right now. And I swear to God Javier, if you stop me from going through that door, I will divorce you."

Esposito releases Lanie's hands at once, trails down her arm like he's communicating a message with her that nobody else in the room will understand. Then he lets her go.

* * *

Kate is exhausted and in so much pain by the time Lanie comes bursting in through the door.

Lanie slams the door behind her, anger in her eyes, and for a heart stopping moment Kate thinks that the rage in her eyes is what she herself has put there.

But Lanie's dark eyes soften around the edges. A soft smile crinkling her cheeks. She rushes over to Kate's bedside and grabs her by the shoulders, ignoring Kate's wince, and squeezes them roughly. Drags her hands across Kate's shoulders, up her neck, and cups her cheeks reverently. Staring directly into her eyes. As though she needs to make sure that Kate's really there. Like she hasn't left yet.

Kate's brain is numb with it all. Which version herself is Lanie searching for?

"Hey, honey." Lanie smiles softly when Kate's eyes drift open. When had they closed? "How are you feelin'?"

"Like crap." Kate admits, too past caring to blush.

"That's okay. I don't blame you." Lanie says, pressing a kiss to Kate's forehead. Kate sighs against the touch, remembering how it feels to be loved by her best friend. A friendship that had always been so easy. "But I promise you, it's gonna get better."

"It's been eighteen years." Kate says, voice rough. "Eighteen years since I lost her and... It's not."

Lanie forces Kate to look up at her when she tries to look away, soft as a feather in her stormy eyes, tears gathering there like she's collecting them for memories. "You have a man who loves you, and you have me, and the boys, and we will get you through this. It's better, and it's gonna get better, so suck it up girl." Lanie smirks.

"I'm still-"

Kate chokes on her words and her hands push past the barriers of the soft pajamas Lanie had dressed her in when they'd brought her here. Curl around her scar, anchoring her down, and down, and down. She is going to explode.

"I'm still damaged goods, Lanie."

Lanie ducks her head down, hands resting on Kate's shoulders, staring at the scar on Kate's chest. She sighs heavily then reaches out, pulling Kate's hands away from the scar that started all of this; this slow descent into her own mind. Six years ago when Lanie had ran to her once Esposito had let her go, blood coated with her best friend's blood as she'd begged her to _stay with me. Don't you die on me.  
_

"That's right." Lanie says softly. "But I love you, honey. Esposito and Ryan love you, no matter how stupid they're being. And writer boy? I don't even have the words to describe what he feels for you, what I've seen in the space of a day. I'll leave him to tell you that."

Tears clog in Kate's throat, sting the back of her eyes. "I'm a murderer." She whispers.

"You've been in a tough place, honey." Lanie says. "And we're gonna get you outta this. I swear, we will help you find your mom's murderer and then we'll help you live your life."

_I don't want to live my life._

The words come as a shock to Kate, tumbling through her brain, and make her stiffen in shock. But somehow, it makes sense. There's guilt, long suppressed guilt, starting to break free of its confines. Letting itself be known. And for this she is grateful. Because she's beginning to understand the others' reactions to her, starting to understand what it means to be normal and not to have to live with this weight, this constant pressure.

"I want justice."

"I know you do, honey."

"No- Not that. I want that, too. But..." Kate watches Lanie's brow knit together in concern. "For my victims. For the ones I've killed."

Lanie's eyes water, jaw slacking. "But... We just got you back."

Kate tries to smile. There's no words in her heart left to say.

* * *

When the others finally manage to be in the same room as her later that day, she feels a terrifying sense of relief. It dizzies her. These people in her life that love her, so much that they'll overcome what she is. What horrible things she has done.

(A large part of her is still screaming that they deserved it.)

* * *

Castle watches the inherent fragility in her eyes when they gather around her bed.

Her eyes flutter shut, for just a moment, a kaleidoscope of emotions crossing her face until they open again. Leaving her with nothing but determination. He can see it now: The detective in her, that drive for justice, that thirst to do things right. He can still see it. It's there. Stuck between her livid nightmares and the winter that stole her mom away.

She spares a glance for him, just for a moment. Castle knows that she wishes for more. Her fingers twitching give that away, but the softness around her eyes are enough for him. They can talk later. For now, he can give her this. The ability to move on.

"A price was put on Castle's head. A very large price, by a man who knew Montgomery, the man that you're investigating the murder of- well, covering up my murder." Her eyes flash with self-hatred and it hurts him. He wants to smooth it all away, but then she begins speaking again and he's once again enraptured by her. "I took the hit. But I didn't kill him."

"Why?" Esposito blurts out, and Castle can read this man. He needs more. So that he can know Kate can change- be more, is more, has always had to potential to be more.

Oh, how blind Castle has been.

* * *

Kate bites her lips and turns her eyes to Castle. "Because my mom read his books, and so did I. Because his books gave me a sense of justice, of right and wrong, and made me feel closer to my mom. He has a daughter, near enough to the age I was when I lost my mother. I couldn't do that to her, turn her into me, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. And most of all there was no reason, no reason as to why he ought to die. He didn't deserve it." (Not like the others.)

"Nobody ever deserves to die." Castle murmurs. In the shadows of his eyes she can see the man he killed, and she can't bring herself to believe in that statement. Of course people deserve death.

"Why's he still with you?" Ryan asks.

Kate bites her lips. "I had to protect him. I just... Had to." She looks down at her hands. They have brought so much death. "He's still in danger. In the space of a day there were two attempts made on his life, both ending in murder."

"We'll protect him."

Kate looks up and stares into the haunted eyes of Esposito. Her lower lips trembles, heart fluttering nervously in her chest. "You will?"

Esposito nods silently.

"I'd like you to do something else for me, if you wouldn't mind- I'd just- I'd like to know something..."

"Anything." Ryan vows.

The sincerity of his statement brings a smile she doesn't feel to her lips. "Can you look up the record of a guy named William Bracken?"

"You mean Senator Bracken?"

"What?"

The news brings ringing to her ears, panic clawing at her heart.

"Why do you need us to look up the record for the senator?"

"Because he's the man that ordered my first murder, and I had the feeling that he was involved in all of this."


	26. Chapter 26

**heart so helpless**

**I love you all. Seriously. I searched 'heart so helpless' on Twitter the other day and found this fic's even discussed on there. That's crazy! Thank you, guys.  
**

**Dédié à Audrey, parce que elle est trop mignonne. (How awkward it'll be if I haven't got that right, huh? I probably haven't.)  
**

* * *

Esposito requests Bracken's file, assuring Kate that his old contact from the military won't speak a word about the investigation, though that doesn't help the unease in her gut. As they wait, Lanie pulls the drip from Kate's arm, and tends to Castle's wounds. Once Kate convinces him that he needs the medical attention, of course. It takes some time. But he concedes.

Ryan sits by her bedside as she flexes her aching limbs, flexes her toes and winces at the shooting pain down her leg. Tries to take in a deep lungful but her bruised ribs make that ache, too. Isn't there anything that she can do without feeling pain all over?

"Jenny and I have been married for five years now." Ryan blurts out.

That raises a smile to her lips. Remembers the wedding, one of the last times she had seen Ryan before she had dropped off of the face of the Earth. He'd been so happy. That day, with Jenny in white and Ryan staring at her as though she was the most gorgeous woman in the history of human beings, had been enough to break through her sadness. She'd danced with Esposito and teased him about Lanie, she had cried as Ryan and Jenny had traded rings and promised 'I do', she'd been filled to the brim with the bubbles of champagne. A phantom of loneliness still resided in the dead weight between her lungs, but it had been small enough to ignore, if only for that moment; when the world kept spinning and she did not, in fact, feel it moving away beneath her feet.

"We have two daughters."

Kate stills, settling back against the pillows.

"Tell me about them." She requests softly.

Ryan smiles, eyes lighting up the way a man's do at the mention of his happiness, his everything.

"They're almost three. Aisling and Eilis. Twins." He grins widely, almost infectious with his happiness. "They're so beautiful. So clever already. They- I can't describe how my world revolves around them now. I didn't think I had any space left in my heart left for love because of how much I loved Jenny, but from the moment she told me to now, when they run into my arms when I get home from work, I've never loved anything on this Earth so much as I've loved them."

Kate swallows thickly, mouth opening to find the words to say. She cannot find any.

"I think that you'd get along with them really well. I think that Aisling would like you. Your humor."

Her fingers clench in the sheets. "You'd let me near them?"

Ryan ducks his head slightly, blushing. "I know how I reacted before was horrible and completely unforgivable. But..." Ryan's eyes meet hers, unmarred loyalty tattooed there. "But I don't believe that you're a bad person. I just think that you're confused. I think that you need help, yeah, but that you're too stubborn to ask for it. The things you've done aren't okay, but I understand that you're not the person you used to be, and that you're lost. But we can help you. I'd always help you."

And she can't bear to break his heart by telling him there will never be a time when she will get through this, that there will never be a time when she reverts back to the person that she used to be, that she will never meet his daughters.

So she reaches out and hugs him tightly, sighing meaningless syllables that represent all she wants to say.

* * *

Lanie cups her elbows and helps her out of the bed. She wobbles a little, but the extent of the damage doesn't render her completely useless. She can walk by herself but limps slightly, agonizing pain tingling up and down her leg in sporadic bursts. Pushes Castle away when he attempts to hold her upright.

For a moment she's content to stand by the window and watch the familiar signs of life in Manhattan. How she's missed this place, living amongst normality, instead of hiding away.

"Yo. I got his file."

She turns from the window slowly, mindful of Castle's eyes on her, as Esposito waltzes into the room, file in hand. He heads directly for her and passes her the manilla folder without her even needing to ask.

Kate flicks to the first page, taking in the picture of William Bracken. Senator Bracken, now. It sends shivers down her spine, as she reads his financials, finds them squeaky clean. His phone records, just fine. Everything is just fine. Almost as though he has nothing to hide. But she knows that he does, because four years ago he found her in the back of some Russian club taking the table for all they had, and had hired the hit. Told her that a friend of a friend had told her that she knew how to be discreet, that he would be willing to pay her any price that she named if she murdered for him, send a message to a gang. Told her that the woman she had to take down was neck deep in drugs and gang violence and that she was a danger to society.

How on Earth has this man managed to become _senator?  
_  
One finger reaches out and touches the photo of the well-dressed white man, smiling for the photograph without remorse. Does her own smile look like that?

"Hey, guys?" She looks towards Ryan and Esposito. "When you head back to the precinct, could you run the name Alyssa Cox?"

Ryan steps forwards, frowning. "Alyssa Cox?"

"Yeah, that was..." Her throat bobs. "The name of... It's who he had me..."

Ryan's frown only deepens. "Was she blonde? About 5'5, blue eyes?"

Kate swallows past the lump in her throat. Tries to forget how the woman was so sleight, like a body wracked with drugs, had fought so hard. Sobbed and pleaded. '_Why me? Why me?'. 'Be quiet. Please. Please be quiet. I'm so sorry.'_

"Yes." She confirms, dread filling her stomach. "Why?"

Ryan turns to Lanie, "Lanie, where's your wedding album?"

"In that drawer right next to you, honey." Lanie points out, and they all watch Ryan pull the album from the drawer.

He flicks through the photos, the sound of the pages turning filling the suddenly tense silence of the room, all their eyes drawn to Ryan at once. And even though her heart is beating furiously, even though she is carrying the heavy weight of all she's ever done, she cannot help but feel the slightest shred of happiness. This feels just like it used to. The team, solving mysteries one by one.

Ryan stops on a page and holds the album out for Kate. Alyssa Cox stands amongst the guests of Esposito and Lanie's wedding, smiling and alive, so different from the woman who had sobbed in fear as the blood had drenched Kate's skin. "Is this the woman that you're talking about?"

"Yeah. That's the one."

Ryan pales immediately. It makes her gut clench in fear.

"Y-You guys know her?"

Esposito looks over Ryan's shoulder at the folder, shoulders slumping in an emotion she cannot name as soon as he takes in the sight of the face.

"Her real name is Louisa Anderson. Alyssa Cox was always her undercover name. She- She replaced you as lead detective, Beckett, transferred from fourteenth. I used to work with her back in narcotics." Ryan tells her, green in the face.

Her hands tremble, almost dropping the folder that she holds in her hands. But then she finds herself gripping it fiercely, because there is nothing else. Nobody else to support her. Where's Castle gone?

"This picture was taken two weeks before she disappeared... She was borrowed by vice for a couple days... And then she was gone." Ryan stares at her, eyes hardening. "We searched for months. I had to sit her eight year old daughter down and tell her that mommy wasn't coming home. I had to tell her mom that we weren't good enough to find her. I had to lose another friend, a member of my team, with no explanation as to what happened."

Esposito and Lanie stand beside Ryan, that same tightness in their eyes, disbelief crossing their faces. Oh no. Oh no. What has she done? Why did she do it?

"Ryan." His name in strangled on her tongue as she backs away, bumping into the window. Feeling like she's cornered. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't know... He told me that she was a gang member, a drug addict, I didn't-"

"That was a _cover, _dammit!" Ryan cries, throwing the photos aside, taking a step forwards. "That was a cover because she was trying to make the streets clean! Clean from people like you! How did you do it, huh? How did you look into her eyes and watch her life leave her body? Did you even _think _about the life that you'd taken or were you so self-centered you couldn't stop thinking about your mom?!"

"Bro." Esposito lays a hand over his shoulder, shaking his head, but the words have already been spoken.

Kate's not quite sure what to say, how to get her lungs working once again. Her heart feels sluggish in her chest and for a moment she thinks that it may stop altogether.

"Kate."

Castle curls a hand around her elbow but she shakes him off. She deserves this. This is what they've been trying to get through to her the whole time, right? That what she does is wrong, that she's the bad guy in all of this, no matter how twisted her mind may be. These are the words that she needs to learn to accept. These harsh truths.

It doesn't make them any easier to swallow, though. Not at all.

"I... I'm so sorry." She whispers.

Ryan's chest heaves from the exertion, eyes carefully blank, and then he turns away. "I'm gonna go back to the precinct. I don't know how we're gonna cover for the fact that we destroyed evidence for her, but I'll think of something."

Ryan pushes past them all, out of the room, door slamming behind him. Leaving them all staring at one another, shell-shocked.

'_Why me? Why me?' _

_'Be quiet. Please. Please be quiet. I'm so sorry.'_

Kate closes her eyes against the onslaught of grief, fighting it tsunami wave for tsunami wave. These memories haunt her every night. She has been able to cope with them. Never has she had to face them in the light of day, when she couldn't hide in the shadows. When she can't pretend to be somebody that she isn't, anybody that she would rather be.

"I'm going to go. I'm sorry, I- I shouldn't have called."

The words make Lanie stir and she drifts forwards slightly, but Esposito lays a protective arm across her stomach, holding her back.

"Castle, where... Where did you put our bags?"

Castle crosses the room and reaches under the bed, shrugging two rucksacks onto his shoulders and holding her gym bag full of weapons in his right hand. Her heart constricts at the sight. His loyalty. His love. She is so undeserving of him, she never has been worthy, she never will be. But that doesn't mean she can't imagine a life were she was. A life in which they could just be two normal people in love. A life she yearns for every time she looks away from her mom's file and towards him.

"Don't you think he should stay with us? So we can protect him? They'll expect him to be after you."

Esposito's voice surprises her, but the thought makes her panic. As much as she aches to protect Castle, she's still selfish, she still wants him close. She needs him. She needs someone to hold onto whilst the pain ravages her whole.

"So that he can stay here and I put my life on the line, you mean?" She says sarcastically, because she has no idea how to make the hurt go away, other than to inflict it on others.

But Esposito doesn't take the bait. "You know I'd take a bullet for you, Beckett."

She tries to smile, but she imagines it's more of a grimace. "No, you wouldn't."

"I'll be safe." Castle pipes up, and when she turns to him she frowns, because there's something clouding his eyes. Something he's holding back. "Scout's honour."

Kate heads towards the door, pausing before Esposito, aching to reach out and squeeze his shoulder but refrains. "Thank you for getting me the file, Javi. I'm... I'm sorry. For everything."

As she tries to move away, Lanie reaches out and snags her wrist, pulling her back.

"Kate." She whispers, eyes watering and lips trembling. "Please don't leave. Not again."

"It's for the best, Lanie." She tells her, reaching out to squeeze her best friend tightly. Goodbye.

"I love you, girl." Lanie tells her when they pull away, fingers digging into her shoulders fiercely. "I love you no matter what it is you've done. Remember that. Please. I'm always here to help you. I always will be."

Kate steps away. "I know." She lies. "Goodbye, Lanie."

She doesn't look back when she goes. She's never liked goodbyes.

* * *

Castle doesn't say a word the whole elevator ride down. He stands rigid by her side. Away. Doesn't even attempt to touch her. That worries her immensely but she doesn't push it, perhaps it's the shock. They're yet to speak about his reaction to all of the recent events. This case has taken over their minds. Or, rather, hers. She hadn't even thought of him. She truly is selfish, after all.

Once they reach the lobby of the building, which is deserted, Kate reaches out and stops him with one hand. He flinches away from her touch.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asks.

Castle drops the bag and reaches out, wrapping her up in a hug so tight she loses her breath, pain flaring and engulfing her completely because of her bruised ribs. But she doesn't say a thing. She'll never say a thing. If there is anything she will do, she will let him have this, it's only fair. Only fair that he seeks comfort in her body. She'd sought comfort in his once.

"I love you." He whispers into her hair. "More than I've ever loved another woman in my entire life, and that scares the crap out of me, Kate."

"I know." She reassures him, skimming her hands across his shoulder blades. "I love you."

He pulls away to press his forehead against hers, still cradling her in his arms. "Do you plan on leaving me, Kate? Once I'm safe?"

She reaches up and touches his lips with one hand. He is so beautiful. She is so undeserving. "Yes." She whispers.

His arms only tighten around her in response, eyes filling with tears. "I don't know what I want. I want you to be with me. I want you with me, always. But I have a daughter. A daughter, Kate. I have to be responsible- I can't just-"

"Be with someone like me?"

It hurts more than she'd anticipated. It hurts like it's goodbye.

"I understand, Castle."

"Kate- Kate, I think I know why someone's trying to kill me."

"What? How long have you known?" She feels the blood boiling in her veins at that. This man. This whole mess could've been avoided if he'd just told her in the first place-

"Not for long. I mean- Only since you mentioned Senator Bracken. Only then."

"Why didn't you tell me _then_?" She demands hotly.

Instantly, his eyes droop, one tear leaking from his blue depths. She tightens her hold on him instinctively. It hurts _so much_. Is this goodbye?

"Because even though I have to be responsible, even though you've done terrible things, even though I know you're going to leave me eventually... I don't want to lose you."

Before she can formulate a response, everything goes black.


	27. Chapter 27

**heart so helpless**

**Your reviews are just getting lovelier as the days go by. Sorry that these updates are becoming slower. I'm approaching exam time at school, so I have lot more homework, and a lot more revision to do. Damn AS-Levels. Also, there's probably about 4 chapters left of this fic... I'm getting slightly nostalgic about that.  
**

**Note: I don't think I've mentioned it before, but the only thing that really changed from canon pre-Kate's assassin days is Alexis' age. Since this is set 6 years after season 4, she should be 24. She is in fact 18. Born in 2000.**

* * *

When he wakes, there's a metallic taste in his mouth, vision slightly blurry around the edges.

He gets the faintest sense of deja vu when he realizes that his arms are twisted behind him, tied to a chair, as he finds when he experimentally tries to tug them free. His feet are too, and he finds himself below a single bulb, flickering as though it's chuckling at his bad luck. Insanely, Castle finds himself having to hold back a sarcastic laugh. Of course he's been taken once again. Of course.

When his vision clears, he finds Senator Bracken standing before him. Arms crossing his chest, staring down at Castle with something far too much like pity to be anything of the sort. Even in these circumstances, the man is perfectly dressed as a politician, as though he expects to head out of here and go give a speech in the white house. Silk tie, ten thousand dollar suit, perfectly polished shoes. Castle resists the urge to spit in the man's face. He suspects that will only make things worse.

"Mr Castle." Bracken greets him smoothly, his voice making him shudder.

Castle speaks through gritted teeth, a voice of ice. "What have you done with Kate?"

Bracken's eyebrows twitch slightly, before he steps back, sweeping one hand towards the other side of the room.

Kate's beginning to stir, one purple bruise above her left eyebrow, eyes fluttering as she wakes. She's the same as Castle, tied to a chair. Almost hidden away in the shadows of the room. They almost swamp her completely.

"What do you want with us, Bracken? If you wanted us dead, you would've just ordered a hit." Castle spits at him, testing his tied wrists. It's no use. The rope used simply burns against his skin when he twists.

"Speaking from experience, Mr Castle?" Bracken speaks coldly, reminding Castle of that night that haunts him, the night he regrets so deeply.

That's when it hits him, that's when he realizes:

Bracken hasn't killed them because he knows that he and Kate are together.

He's going to put her through as much pain as possible before he kills her.

* * *

Esposito holds Lanie tightly as she sobs into his chest, alternating between hiccups and pounding her fists into his chest, yelling at him for ever letting Kate Beckett go.

"Chica," he says quietly, catching her wrists when she attempts to punch him again, "there's nothing I coulda done. I can't arrest her, how do I explain the evidence that I destroyed for her? What evidence _do _I have to arrest her with, huh? And you know there's no way that she would've willingly handed herself over, to prison or..." Esposito hesitates, watching the tears that glitter in his wife's eyes. "Or otherwise."

Lanie's throat bobs, hands curling in on themselves, shoulders slumping. "She needs help, Javi. She's so lost."

"I know." He assures her, because he does. How could he not know that? He knows PTSD. He knows it well. He knows how to escape it, too, that it takes a long time and that it never quite goes away. Sometimes, he still wakes in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, remembering the bullet that had lodged itself into his leg when he was in the army.

But Kate? She's beyond that. The frantic dart of her eyes, the suicidal thoughts she'd had which Lanie had told him about, the cold way that she'd spoken of those that she had murdered. He'd thought, foolishly, that there were echoes of the old Beckett there. The detective who would've done anything to get justice for the victims, like her mom. But after the ironic reveal of the fact that she had murdered her replacement, after the way that she had felt she was in the right for doing so, after the way that she hadn't truly felt any remorse (he could see it in her eyes); he knew that the detective Beckett he'd known was gone.

And as much as Lanie defended her, this was more than just being lost. Kate Beckett had the makings of a sociopath.

"Please, Javi." Lanie whines, falling into his, arms wrapping around his neck and face hiding in his shoulder. He cradles her tightly, unwilling to ever let her go again. "Please find her, and arrest her, or something. So that she won't hurt anyone else. You know that she'll regret it someday, when she comes back to herself."

"Lanie." He whispers, pulling away. "I wasn't gonna start a fight with her, what if she had hurt me, you? I know you don't believe that she'd ever do that, but I can't risk losing you... I can't risk losing..."

He lays a hand over the subtle bump of her stomach, watching the hitch in her breath.

"We're finally startin' a life, Lanie, a family, without being reminded of the past." He tells her slowly. "I don't want her to be our responsibility anymore. She has been for too long now and she disappoints us time after time. I can't risk losing you. Either of you."

Lanie's mouth opens to protest, to agree, he's not sure, but then his phone rings loudly. Ryan's ringtone that he'd set blaring through the silence that they were stood in.

He pulls the phone from his pocket, giving Lanie one final squeeze before speaking into the receiver.

"Esposito."

"Javi. We've got a problem."

Ice freezes his spine.

"Castle's daughter has just reported him missing."

* * *

Kate's nostrils flare, eyes widening as she drinks in Bracken's figure, the way he almost blocks all of the light with his wide shoulders. She seems to hesitate for a moment, before spitting out words as though they physically hurt her. "Bracken. What do you want?"

Bracken smiles, and it's almost chilling, but the look in Kate's eyes is worse. "Well, Miss Beckett, I feel it's more what _I _can do for y_ou_."

"Oh, I can think of a few things. Up for owning up to everyone you've ever had murdered?" Kate remarks dryly, spitting blood from her mouth.

"Are you ready to own up for murder yourself, Miss Beckett?" Bracken's lips twitch in the corners. "Murders I've had you commit? Or, perhaps, you'd like to know about the murder that Mr Castle here is involved in?"

Castle's back stiffens and he struggles against his constraints. Kate's eyes flicker towards him briefly, but it's merely a passing glance, before she looks back towards Bracken. Her eyes are frantic as they take him in, traveling up and down his body, regarding him with disgust. After all, this is the man that ordered her first hit, the man that's been controlling her for years.

"I'm not interested in your politician doublespeak, Bracken." She hisses.

"Oh, but surely you'd like to know why I ordered the hit on Mr Castle? Why I ordered you to do it?"

Kate hesitates, eyes once again flickering to him. _No, Kate, no_, he wants to say. _This is not what you need to know. (Please forgive me.)_

"Either murder us or let us go, Bracken." Kate growls.

Bracken actually _chuckles, _making Castle's blood boil, and he watches the way Kate's eyes widen in disbelief. The vein on her forehead angrily throbbing. He can't believe that she hasn't broken free of her confines yet, that she hasn't lunged for the man. Perhaps she's more interested in this story than she is actually letting on. This is the opposite of what he wanted, from the moment that he put the pieces together, from the moment he saw Bracken's picture in that folder she'd held.

Bracken pulls a switchblade from his blazer pocket and holds it out to Kate, as though he's offering it out to her. Her eyes flare with recognition at the sight of the weapon, only making Castle's heart sink lower into his stomach than it already is.

"Where did you get that?" Kate asks, voice trembling.

"Your detective friends aren't so good at destroying evidence as they believe they are." Bracken tells her. "This is your weapon, is it not? Your favourite? Your signature trademark? Well, not that anyone would know, really. You burn everybody you kill. Like they're nothing more than a piece of meat."

If he were any more human, Castle is certain that he would fall out of love with her. She's a murderer. She doesn't care about the victims.

But he couldn't fall out of love with her if he tried.

Kate's eyes harden instantly. "Don't try and guilt trip me, Bracken."

Bracken shakes his head. "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of it. After all, it's not you that ought to feel guilty out of all of this."

Her eyes furrow towards him, jaw clenching. "I'm not interested in playing games, senator."

"My apologies." The man says, lips quirking. The bastard is enjoying this, taunting her, taunting _him, _most of all. Destroying the only true chance he'd ever had of true love. "How about I set you free, and you kill the man that caused this?"

"I did _no _such thing!" Castle cries, watching the way Kate startles, eyes swiveling around to him.

"Castle?" She gasps, voice breaking. It breaks his heart in two, and all he wants to do is reach out and hold her, promise her that this will all be okay. Kiss away the tears that are forming in her eyes. "What has- What has this got to do with you?"

"Oh, he hasn't told you, Miss Beckett?" Bracken turns to Castle, smooth as ever, almost calm. While Castle's world is crumbling around him. "He witnessed your mother's murder."

The gasps simultaneously rise from both Castle and Beckett's lips, Castle turning to Kate in despair, Kate turning to him with eyes like fire. Fire that burns and destroys, kills people whole. Much like the way she kills people anyway. Much like she was probably going to kill him in the beginning. And now? Now, they'd gotten through that, they had gotten past it; only... With that look in her eyes, he's not so sure that she won't kill him now.

"I didn't, Kate, I swear- I didn't witness-"

"Oh, you sure did, Mr Castle. Why, I remember it quite clearly."

His eyes widen, heart pumping, remembering the dirty alley, the flash of a knife-

"That was... That was her mom?"

"You let my mom _die?_"

"Kate..." Her name dies on his lips.

He doesn't know what to say.

Because he remembers. Remembers the slumped figure against the wall, bleeding out, eyes wide amongst the trash and blood flowing from her body. The attacker, calm eyes, tall, broad. Senator Bracken, lounging against a car door nearby, a bag of cash in hand. The exchange afterwards. How he had watched it all from the shadows of the alley across the road; unseen, silent. The urge to help had been demanding, but the urge to run had been overwhelming. The need to run home and hug his wife, Meredith, to shield both her and their unborn child from the darkness of the world that he wished to never expose them to, too large.

"You... You watched her die? And y-you didn't do anything _about _it?"

Bracken smirks at Castle but he ignores it, straining forwards against how he's bound to the chair when he notices the tears streaming freely down Kate's face. He's put them there. These tears, this pain, they are partly his fault. The only part that stops him from drowning in the guilt is the fact that it was Bracken that had ordered her murder in the first place.

It doesn't ease the guilt, though. He's lived with these excuses for so long.

"I swear, Kate- Kate, I swear, I didn't know it was her." He heaves out, watching the disbelief flare in her eyes, the tears dripping into her lap. "Kate, I swear it."

"A decent person would've done something _anyway!"_ She cries fiercely.

He swallows down the argument that rises, about how she was hardly one to talk to him about decency, and focuses on the hurt in her eyes. In the stiff posture of her body.

"Kate, I wasn't- I stumbled across it by accident, I didn't... I was having writer's block. I needed to walk it off. I walked for miles, I think, and then there was... There was that. And I was so afraid, Kate, I was so afraid. You don't understand, it was- I had so much to lose. I'd only just seen it as the killer walked away, I didn't... She was too late to save, and I couldn't risk my life, Kate. Meredith, my first wife, she'd just found out she was pregnant. Alexis hadn't even been born. And I couldn't abandon her, not then. My mom was an alcoholic. I'd barely managed to convince Meredith to keep the pregnancy. I couldn't leave her to those kinds of people, people that wouldn't truly take care of her. She needed me."

"I needed MY MOM!" Kate yells, kicking her feet free of their restraints.

In a flash, she's flipped the chair and smashed it against the wall, bringing her hands free of the ropes too, turning to him and Bracken with a heaving chest, anger flaming in her eyes.

This is Kate Beckett, assassin. Not Kate Beckett, human being, the woman he loves.

Bracken steps forwards- Castle has almost forgot he's here- with the switchblade in his hands, outstretched towards Kate.

"You could kill him, you know. Finally fulfill what we all need."

"Why have you waited so long to kill me?" Castle cuts in, trying to give Kate time to gather her wits.

Bracken's lips waver. Eyes studying Castle carefully. "I'm going to run for president." He tells them both. "I need all avenues completely shut off. No risks. Even those that don't seem to present themselves as a potential threat."

"You think that I'm going to help _you? _After you killed my mother?" Kate steps towards Bracken, hands balled into fists by her side, disgust in her eyes.

Castle's heart flutters slightly in relief. Of course she won't kill him. This isn't his fault. This is Bracken, she wouldn't kill those who are innocent. At least, that's the morale that's she's always lived by, right?

"I can give you the life you want. I'm a powerful man, Miss Beckett. I can get you away from all of this. What do you want? A life up in New Hampshire? California? I can give you a life anywhere. You want to be a cop again? Done. I can do that for you. You've just got to set us both... Free."

Bracken places the switchblade into Kate's hands, and Castle watches with fright as Bracken nods towards Castle. And, unbelievably, Kate stares back into Bracken's eyes, as though they're communicating some kind of hidden message that he'll never understand.

* * *

This is the man who had her mom murdered.

This is the man who can set her free.

Kate's hand closes around the familiar blade, something right settling into her bones.

She wants that- She just wants to be... Free.

Bracken stares into her eyes, a tad bit gloating, a little cautious too. It should scare her. How she knows that she'll never be able to bring him to justice. How she'll never be able to avenge her mom. That she drowned in all of this because of him, and now he's simply going to swan off and reach an even higher power than he already is. No consequences.

But... _Freedom. _She could be a cop again.

Her feet begin to carry her towards Castle, blade in hand, away from the senator.

She kneels before him and watches as his mouth opens in shock, but no words come out.

That's good. That's better. She can't stand it when they cry.

His blue eyes (so beautiful, so full of life) are watering, disbelief etched into the weary lines of his face. Lips that she had once kissed speechless. Body that she had once loved completely rigid, completely still. Holds his breath.

"I love you." She tells him.

Just not enough.


	28. Chapter 28

**heart so helpless**

**The general consensus seems to be that Rick witnessing Johanna's death was surprising and a good plot twist. I'm _so_ glad. You guys have no idea how anxious I was about that. Also, I am _so_ sorry for the wait for this one, on such a huge cliffhanger. I went to stay with my friend for a while because her parents were on holiday (sounds like the start of a horror movie, right?) and felt rude writing instead of spending time with her, I hope you guys understand.  
**

**Anyway, on with the fanfiction. This is the second to last chapter (excluding the epilogue, which raises this fic to 30 chapters overall). As always, I hope you guys enjoy it.**

* * *

He watches as she raises up on her knees, piercing green eyes that had once filled with warmth now filling with nothing but ice cold hatred; and he can see now the way that she detaches herself from her victim. The way that she bites her bottom lip as she concentrates, the warning quiver in her hands as she raises the blade. How she's trying to hold back the guilt. Telling herself that he deserves this, that he deserves a death at her hand.

He wants to tell her to stop, but not just for his sake. Sure, his life is on the balance here, and his heart is pounding hard with fear, and his mouth has gone dry with the acceptance of death. But this is her _life. _She is better than this, he knows it, he's seen it within her, if only he can get her to see it within herself.

She places a hand above his racing heart, fingernails curling into his shirt. He wonders if she can feel it breaking in two.

Her nimble fingers flex around the blade as she lifts it, eyes falling from his own and towards her target. Sizes him up.

"Kate." He whispers. "Don't do this."

She hesitates. For a fraction of a moment.

"Freedom, _detective._" Bracken practically sneers.

Something lights in her eyes. Like fire. Amber flecks amongst her hazel eyes. Long forgotten, something rekindled.

He will not win. He is not enough.

"You're more than this." He tells her anyway, because if he's going to die, he needs her to know this, what he sees in her. "You don't have to do this. You are more. You always have been, Kate."

But her eyes remain closed off, and she pulls the blade back, takes a deep breath.

He closes his eyes.

Waits for death.

It doesn't come.

Instead, there's a loud bang and shouts filling the room, and his vision is blurring and the world is tilting on its axis-

"K..." He tries to choke out her name, but it doesn't work. His lungs aren't filling the way that they're supposed to. What is going on?

* * *

She senses it the moment before it happens, blade poised in the air, Castle holding his breath, Bracken's presence floating through her mind and making it hazy at the edges. But not enough- because the hairs on the back of her neck prickle for a second, goosebumps rising. Mind clearing through the drive for freedom and betraying the only man she's ever truly loved. There's that telltale silence, the way that everyone in the room is holding their breath, waiting for her move. A crackle in the air- of electricity- like the calm before the storm. A creak on a broken floorboard outside. Complete stillness. She knows these tells. She's been part of them before. Far too many, in a distant past that she can hardly remember but looks fondly upon, regrets ever giving it up.

Before they break down the door and throw the flash grenade, she turns to Bracken, ice freezing her veins. She wants to yell at him. Wants to scream. Is this him? Has he set her up, playing the victim card, so that she'll never gain her revenge? Her freedom?

But then the door is splintered in half and the flash grenade is thrown, so she lunges herself into the shadows of the room, hidden from the view of the flickering bulb, landing with a loud thud and whoosh of breath as her body comes in contact with the concrete ground.

Familiar shouts fill the room. Something like 'get down!' or 'put your hands up!'. But her head is spinning and white noise overwhelms her.

She curls into a ball, closing her eyes shut tight to ignore the sudden whiteness she can see with her eyes open. Drops the blade on the floor and clamps her hands over her ears, trying to recover, to gather some sense of control over her body, to take advantage of being hidden in the dark. Until they inevitably find her in this small, cramped room, despite the darkness she's found.

* * *

A familiar face swims into his view.

It can't be- But it is.

"Yo, Castle. Just stay still. You know where Beckett is?" Esposito sounds like he's yelling.

Castle blinks at the man, once, twice, just to be sure- What is going on? How have they found him?

Wait-

"Kate?" His voice sounds rough with exertion.

Esposito nods, eyes looking up and around the room. "You and Bracken are here, but she's not. She bein' kept in another room?"

Castle shakes his head blearily, flexes his hands and finds that they're suddenly free of constraints. Someone must have cut him free of the rope. He tests his feet, finds that they're free too. So he reaches out with clumsy hands for Esposito's shoulders, uses him as balance to pull himself up onto his feet, even though it feels as though his legs are made of jelly. Weak. Clumsy. He looks around for Kate but only sees Bracken being cuffed by Ryan and another detective he doesn't know the name of. A black woman, with eyes of steel, short but carrying authority. But where is Kate?

"She was..." His voice is rough, and when he tries to withdraw his hands from Esposito, he almost falls over.

Esposito catches him before he does, understanding in his eyes. "Dude, think. Was she in this room?"

Castle catches his breath, finds the ringing in his ears lessening, the blurred vision moving past, deteriorating. "Yes." He confirms, eyes scanning the room. "How did you know... How did you know about Bracken?"

"_Castle."_ Esposito hisses, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to meet his eyes. "Where _is _she?"

"I- I don't..."

Castle pivots, scanning the room, and that's when he sees it. A flash of silver in the darkness. Like a blade.

And then-

Kate lunges from the shadows of the room, grabbing Bracken with one arm and pinning him to her, pressing the blade to his throat. Wild eyes and clenched jaw, scanning the room, flitting past him as though he means nothing. Trembling.

Immediately, every cop in the room springs into defence. Raise their guns, aimed towards Kate- even Ryan and Esposito, hard eyes aimed on her. They reflect her own. How do these people remove their own personal emotions and feelings from these situations? How does Kate convince herself that he deserves death? How do Ryan and Esposito forget that this is the woman they once felt such fierce loyalty for, that they would even take a bullet for her, that they would kill for her?

He cannot separate himself from those emotions. He will not.

Yet-

He's heartbroken. Betrayed.

She tried to kill him.

"Let me go." She growls, eyes wild like fire, pressing the blade closer to Bracken's neck.

Esposito creeps forwards, gun trained on Kate. "Beckett, c'mon, let him go."

Beckett laughs, though it's strangled, savage eyes turning on him. "Don't you... Don't you _dare _tell me what to do!" She yells, spitting blood as she speaks. It's then that he notices the scrapes on her right cheek, red and bleeding, raw. She must've gained it from the force of the grenade. And he can't help the ache of need to help her that overwhelms him for a moment. How could he? He loves her. He shouldn't. He does.

"Let go of me, Miss Beckett." Bracken tells her, hands wrapped around the arm she's wrapped around his neck, bowed slightly as he's pulled down because of her height.

How does he still manage to have such a calm, chilling voice? In these circumstances? Facing death?

Castle's mind is spinning. He presses his fingertips against his temples, rubs them, trying to rid himself of concussion, of his ridiculous thoughts that are distracting him from what's right in front of him.

Kate's nostrils flare with anger, digging the knife into his neck so that it creates just the smallest of cuts, blood leaking from it straight away.

"You can go to Hell, you bastard." She hisses.

"Miss Beckett."

The woman from before, that had been arresting Bracken with Ryan, steps forward, gun trained on Kate. These guns panic him, and he thinks that they're panicking her, too. Kate. Because she's been shot before, and she had to go through so much pain, and that's what had started this whole side of her life. The slow descent to madness, way past her morals, too low to even shed light upon with how much he loves her. That hurts him, just thinking about it. And now she's facing guns again, half a dozen, holding the man who killed her mother hostage, and he can't even begin to imagine what her thoughts are right now.

That's it.

That wild look in her eyes, it isn't wild at all.

It's fear.

She's _terrified._

* * *

Kate recognizes the woman from the moment that she steps forward. Stiff posture, training her gun on her, eyes narrowed and focused. Softening around the edges, as though she's trying to help her out.

"Captain Gates, huh?" Kate spits at her, watching confusion play in the woman's eyes. "I could've been a part of your _team. _But you're all corrupt. The lot of you."

"Beckett." The woman has a voice of steel, undamaged. "We have information on him. We can give you the justice you want. He killed your mother, we know, but you've got to let him go."

Laughter bubbles in her chest and she can't keep it there. It spills from her crazily, in rhythm of Bracken's pounding heart that she can feel beneath her palm. Funny, that.

"Yeah? He won't go anywhere. You're all corrupt. All you care about is money."

"Beckett." Ryan steps forwards, voice calm, blue eyes icy as the freezer he'd once saved her from. "You know that's not true."

"Sure it is. Just look at _me_. Oh, but I'm crazy, right?" She snaps, feeling blood on her hands. Bracken's blood. It warms her. It shouldn't. It does. "Just because I want revenge, just because I go against your rules... I'm _crazy. _Have I always been, Ryan? When we were working together? Me, you and Esposito? Was I crazy then, huh? _Was I?" _

* * *

She is breaking his heart into two pieces.

He stands amongst the tatters and watches as she falls apart.

"You know..." Her eyes glitter with tears, sparkle in her madness. She presses the blade further into the senator's neck, eliciting a choked gasp from the man as his blood begins to stream out at a ridiculously fast rate, "You know, I am _so _tired. I am _so _tired!" She screams, voice hoarse. "So why don't I? Why shouldn't I do it, huh? Why shouldn't I take him with me?"

_Take him with me._

No. She isn't going to die here.

He won't allow it.

"Kate."

Her eyes snap to him, crinkling around the edges with a worn smile. "Castle. You're okay. You're okay, yeah? The flashbang didn't hurt you?"

The anxiousness written into her features, her concern for him lacing through her green eyes- It throws him off balance for a moment. How does she do that? Switch from cold-blooded killer, ready to kill him, to anxious lover in the space of a second?

He holds his palms face-forward, taking a step forwards. "I'm fine, Kate. See?"

Kate nods slowly, tears streaming down her face, throat bobbing. She stumbles slightly with the weight of Bracken twined with her own trembling. He notices that Bracken is starting to look pale, blood leaking from his mouth as the knife only drives deeper into his neck. Is she aware that she's doing that? Is she aware of anything at all?

"Castle. I'm so sorry." She sobs, stumbling again, trembling. He eyes her warily, especially her leg which keeps jiggling. Is she still in pain from the car accident?

"Kate. Let him go."

"He ruined my life. I- I almost killed you because of him!" She cries, desperately searching his eyes with hers.

"If you love me, you'll let him go."

The statement makes her gasp, brow knitting together in confusion, and she takes a step back, dragging Bracken with her. The man's practically limp now, pale-faced, eyes closed as scarlet blood covers him whole.

"You can't make me choose, Castle. You can't." She practically whispers.

"It's your choice, Kate."

Her breath stutters and her eyes close. He thinks that somehow- through some sort of miracle- he has managed to get through to her. That somehow he is appealing to her humanity. As though she has any left.

But then she slices Bracken's neck wide open with her blade, making crimson bubble everywhere, clouding his vision as it spurts across the room at them. Castle throws his hands up and steps away, watching in horror as she smiles through the bloody mess. A maniac. Something glittering in her green eyes that he has never seen before and that he never wishes to see again, because it terrifies him to the bone. This, her- He can see it. The cold-blooded killer within her that he's always tried so very hard to ignore.

She drops Bracken's body in an instant, and what he sees next terrifies him even more.

By some miracle of adrenaline, despite her injuries and her unstable mind, she manages to wrestle the gun from Gates' hands. When the woman makes a move to fight back, she pushes her to the ground, then kicks the next man in the stomach, spinning around so that she can then elbow him in the face with a loud _thud _echoing through the room when the officer drops to the floor.

Her eyes connect with his, just for a moment, one splinter of everything they deserve.

And then she turns for the door, hand reaching out for the doorknob, and the unspeakable happens.

Of all of the detectives there, he doesn't expect it from Ryan.

Ryan raises his gun, points, aims, and pulls the trigger. Castle doesn't even have the time to even think about telling him to stop. The bullet cracks through the room and lodges itself into her right shoulder, the force of it throwing her into the door, head bouncing off of the wooden block.

"Kate!" He yells, watching as her eyes flutter closed, blood seeping through her clothes.

And here it is, he thinks as he rushes over to her side without a second thought, here is the inevitable.

He drops to his knees, cradling her skull in his palm. She's so fragile. Inherently so. Why can't they see that? The tired lines of her face, the downwards turn of her lips, the bags beneath her arms.

"No more running away, Kate." He tells her, choking on his tears.

In the background, he hears Esposito ordering the ambulance, Ryan yelling about the lack of pulse for Bracken.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care for one moment.

He leans down, presses a kiss to her forehead, lets his tears drip down to her own skin.

Let them see. Let them all see.

This is how he loves her.


	29. Chapter 29

**heart so helpless**

**Last full chapter. Next will be the (short) epilogue. I'm getting really sad about this fic ending. Then again, it's completely overshadowed by the fact Castle's 100th episode is on tonight. Yay!**

* * *

Kate's eyes flicker open slowly, watering at the harshness of the white lights she finds when she wakes, an overwhelmingly annoying beeping sound invading her ears. Making her cringe.

"Kate?"

She focuses her eyes and finds Lanie standing at the end of her bed- A bed? Where is she?- studying her with concerned e yes.

"Lanie?" Her voice sounds rough even to her own ears, and she winces.

"Hey, honey."

"Where- Where am I? What happened?" She asks as Lanie walks around to her side, fingers clenching in the sheets.

"You're in a hospital, and this room is bein' guarded by several officers. Ryan shot you." Lanie informs her quietly. Kate's fingers curl tighter into the sheets, mouth falling open. Silent. "You're also gettin' treatment for severe malnourishment, exhaustion, and that leg of yours is finally gettin' a rest like it shoulda in the first place. The bullet didn't do much damage , thank God."

Kate accepts the news quietly, turning her eyes away from Lanie, away from such caring ones that she doesn't deserve. Despite the immense pain and difficultly, she pulls her knees towards her chest, cradling her knees in her palms even as she trembles with the exertion. Her shoulder screams with pain, and she has to swallow back the sob that traps itself somewhere by her heart. The pain is too much so she slumps onto her side, curling into a ball and trembling with the pain.

"Are they gonna arrest me, Lanie?" She asks quietly, meekly. Like a child.

Lanie steps forward, smoothing a hand through Kate's hair, gently caressing her . Kate wishes that she wouldn't. She doesn't deserve this.

"For, at least, Bracken and Smith's murders. Kevin and Javi are gonna come in and read you your rights soon, Kate." Lanie crouches down so that's she's eye-level with Kate, palm resting on her cheek and forcing her to look at her. "We're gonna get you the best attorney, honey, I swear it. But Kate... I think it's for the best if you plead insanity."

Kate stares at her, jaw slack, wide eyes filling with tears. Has it really come to this? Is she really going to be locked away? Is she really insane?

"I'm not crazy, Lanie." She chokes out, shivering, long nails digging into her palms as she turns her face into her pillow to hide the tears. "I'm not."

"Maybe not." Lanie murmurs, but Kate can tell she's lying. "But you don't deserve prison, honey, you deserve a chance at startin' over. You didn't do any of this to yourself, this wasn't your choice. At least you can... Get better."

"I don't know how to... How to stop being like this." Kate confesses, tears blurring her vision and she keens, clutching the pillow for all it's worth. Grits her teeth against the sobs but they still escape her, heaving over and over, to the steady thump of her heart in her chest. "I want to be more than this. I don't know how. I don't know."

Lanie pushes the rails of the bed down and crawls onto the narrow mattress, curling one arm around Kate and holding her close. The familiar smell of cleanliness from the morgue fills Kate's nose, but deep down she can smell the spice of Esposito's aftershave, and maybe she's imagining it but she's sure she can smell the scent of the wine that they used to drink together on their girls nights . Imaginary or not, it comforts her and she tucks her head into Lanie' s shoulder, allowing her to give her this. Allowing her best friend to comfort her in a time when she doesn't even deserve it, because no matter what, she'll always be there for her.

"I want my mom, Lanie." She sobs, tasting salty tears on her tongue. "I want _my mom_."

Lanie holds her tighter, anchoring her to reality.

Gratitude is on her tongue, but she's choking on her heavy burdens, so she lets them swallow her whole.

* * *

They won't let him ride with her in the ambulance.

Captain Gates, now sporting a shiny black eye, forces him to the precinct. Tells him that he needs to give in his own statement about the recent events, as well as what's transpired over the past two weeks.

He can only be grateful that it's Esposito he has to give his statement to (Ryan had ran into the male toilets the moment they'd arrived in the precinct, puking his guts up alone in a cubicle, away from them all, as he sobbed with guilt). They manage to sort their story out, manipulating it so that Ryan, Esposito and Lanie are left looking innocent- He assures Esposito that Kate wouldn't want to drag them into this, that they shouldn't be punished for helping their friend when they didn't know what they were getting into.

It gives him a chance to find out what happened, too. Esposito explains it to him without hesitation.

After they'd left Lanie and Esposito's apartment, Alexis had reported her father missing, claiming that he should've been home hours ago- That she hadn't seen him in almost two weeks and she was worried about whether he was being held hostage. Ryan had asked a friend working in missing persons to keep him updated regarding Castle, so he'd been alerted about the call. He'd then immediately contacted Esposito, encouraged him to go after Castle and Beckett to warn them- Esposito had found their bags in the alley beside his wall, Kate's blood smeared onto a brick wall.

About the same time, officers had returned from searching one of many of Smith's buildings, returning with a file that explained everything to do with Senator William H Bracken and his involvement with Kate Beckett's mom's murder, as well as the murder of everyone else he'd ever had killed, and her shooting.

After waiting forty minutes for a warrant, they were finally allowed to track Bracken's whereabouts through his cell. They had no idea who the bad guy was- Kate or Bracken- but either way they knew that Castle was in danger, so the squad had been sent after them. And that was when they had found them. That was when Kate had murdered Bracken before their very eyes.

Castle doesn't tell him about Maddox, how he's a murderer too, that Kate destroyed the body and all evidence.

"She'll go away for a long time for this, bro." Esposito tells him quietly as he tucks his notepad with Castle's statement away. "But at least she got Bracken. She always wanted justice."

Castle walks through the precinct with Esposito, observing the room. The officers. The detectives. The whiteboard, filled with Smith's information, details of the man. Phones shrilling in the background. Gates reporting to the mayor in her office. This is where Kate should be. This is where she would've worked. This is where she had once found a home, a strange mix of a family. He can't help the echo of loss that reverberates in his heart.

"She doesn't deserve to do time, Esposito." He states as they near the elevators. "This isn't her fault."

"Maybe not, bro. But that's what's gonna happen, life isn't fair. It never has been for her." Esposito shrugs.

Castle stares across the room once more, pictures her sat behind one of the desks; brow furrowed as it does whenever she's trying to figure out a mystery, snacking on M&Ms from a bowl beside her because she never seems to stop snacking, sipping on coffee because she has an addiction to the stuff.

"Lanie's gonna try and convince her to plead insanity. Ryan and I are supposed to go arrest her once we finish up here. Should be in about an hour."

Castle's gaze snaps back to the man, sees the intent in his dark eyes. "I don't suppose you could convince them to let me into her room?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

* * *

By the time Castle arrives, Lanie's leaving the room and Kate's holding the twenty-third version of the note that she's written him.

She looks up at him and feels a wide smile splitting her face in two. He grins back at her in a similar amount, closing the door behind him so that they're alone.

"Hey, Kate."

Castle grabs a chair and pulls it beside her bed, hand reaching out to clasp it in hers. The note curls in the ball of her fist.

"They let you in here." It's part a statement, part a question. Wonder in her voice.

Castle shrugs. "Officer outside's a fan of my work. Besides, Esposito called ahead. He gave it the all-clear."

Castle grabs a chair and pulls it beside her bed, hand reaching out to clasp it in hers. The note curls into a ball in her fist. Crinkles in the silence.

"They're gonna arrest me, Castle."

He traces patterns onto her skin. Knowing him, it's likely that the patterns represent something- something romantic, something grand. But she cannot for the life of her summon the energy to figure them out; she doesn't need to. She knows he loves her.

"I know."

His voice is quiet, resigned. Carrying the weight of the world.

"I'm gonna admit to everything. Everyone I ever murdered."

His head snaps up, blue eyes shocked, surprised, mouth dropping open as his grip on her hand loosens.

"But, Kate, you… You'll be put away forever."

"My victims deserve justice." Her voice is strong, resolute. Unwavering. "Their families do. I know that, because I needed it- Look what happened because it took me so long to get it… But it's okay, Castle, because my Mom always strived for justice, you know? As a lawyer, that was what she was there for, but it wasn't just the job. It was her, too, her own independent thinking. Victims always deserve justice."

Castle reaches up, tucks a tendril of her hair behind her ear.

"And you think going to prison is justice? For them? Throwing away your life?"

Kate swallows nervously, looking away, down at their clasped hands.

"Lanie told me to plead insanity. I don't know if it will work, but maybe it will- That way, maybe I have a chance at a life, one day. If I can ever, I don't know, get better." She squeezes his hand, meeting his eyes. "It's funny because, when I'm with you, I- I see how wrong it is. Everything. You give me that perspective that I don't have. And you gave me the perspective to see justice will solve this all. It'll make my head stop spinning, Castle. I can see things clearing already."

She means it. Every single word.

He gives her the sense she has always been denied.

She doesn't think she'll ever be able to explain to him how grateful she is.

"I've ruined your life." He bites out, tears in his eyes.

She reaches out with her free hand and turns him towards her, brushing her thumb across his cheekbones. Smiles. Light from the freedom of her heavy weight.

"Castle, you've made my life a better one. So much. So very, very much. I'm so grateful that I met you." She shudders, crying. "I've almost killed you too many times. Even whilst in love with you. So I don't expect you to feel the same anymore, but I just want you to know that I love you with everything I am and have been. Everything, Castle. Always."

Castle leans towards her, heavy, resting his head on the bed rails. She strokes his fine hair lightly, drops a kiss to his crown.

"I shouldn't love you, but I do."

His small statement makes her heart burst at the seams.

The tears break free then, trembling hands cupping his cheeks as she leans in and kisses him thoroughly. Tastes goodbye and forever on his tongue. Hopes that this time together has been enough, wishing that she had been more for him.

She breaks apart from him with stuttered breaths, watching the hurt play in his blue eyes.

"I won't ever see you again, will I?" Castle says quietly.

"Maybe you will. Maybe I'll be released one day soon, or one day far away, recovered and happy. And we'll bump into each other on the sidewalk. Get some coffee, fall in love all over again." She presses a kiss to his nose. "You'll brag about the success of Nikki Heat."

His eyes brighten by one shade. "You knew I was writing about you?"

"Of course I knew you were writing about me, do you think I'm dumb?" She teases, smiling, getting lost in their imaginary tale. "I'll claim I haven't read them. You'll know I'm lying."

"You'll say you skipped page 105. I'll laugh."

"What's on page 105?"

"You'll see."

He falls silent, and she wishes that she could rid him of the ghosts in his eyes. But there's nothing she can do. Nothing she can do because this is right, even if it hurts him.

She uncurls her hand and offers him the scrap piece of paper, watching as he eyes it warily.

"I think I wrote this twenty three different times. One version was even two pages long." She tells him as he takes it from her hands. "But words are your forte, not mine. I think it's enough."

He stares at it, not making a move to open it. "What is this?"

"It's for the days that you doubt me. Wonder why you ever thought it was worth it. I- I just need you to remember this, if you ever think you were wrong to trust me. The media's gonna say a lot of things, Castle, and so is the court. They'll make it seem like I never gave a rat's ass about you. I swear, that's not true."

He looks up at her, and his blue eyes sparkle with unshed tears. "I know."

"Can you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Will you look out for my Dad? I've done a pretty crappy job looking after him. I- I should've been better. A better daughter. A better... Person."

Castle shakes his head. "You didn't even need to ask, Kate."

She reaches out and pulls him into a hug. Curls her fingers in his shirt. Inhales him, that smell of fresh ink and paper and sweat. He smells like forever.

"Will you stay, Castle? Until they come?"

She is selfish. She shouldn't be asking this of him.

But he melts against her, lips brushing her neck as he speaks.

"I'll stay."

His tears wet her gown, almost making her cold.

But she doesn't care, because this is her last moment with him, and he is holding her so gently that she cries too. And she can feel his breath tickling the shell of her ear, his hands dwarfing her with his size, the steady thump of his heart beating through his chest.

And she can love him freely. For the last time. For all the times they'll never have. For all they times they've had. For the always that he deserves.

It's enough, she thinks.

It's enough.


	30. Chapter 30

**heart so helpless**

**I'll try and keep this author's note short, but I may ramble, I'm sorry. Firstly, a massive thank you to all of you that have ever approached me on Twitter/Tumblr about this fic. That's unbelieveable. Secondly: Thank you. _All_ of you. My own self esteem has boosted a LOT since in the start of this fic, you wouldn't believe it. I know I don't reply to reviews, but that's a) because I'm lazy and b) because I'm disorganized. But I want you to know I appreciate every single review I have ever gained on this fic. From the bottom of my unworthy heart, thank you.  
**

**Also, this is a formal apology to Aisling, who is a young innocent little fuzzball of rainbow sunshine. I think I may have given her aneurysm because of this fanfiction and my character death threats. I'm sorry. (I'm not.)**

* * *

He dresses smartly for the trial.

Today's the last day, where they decide her fate, and it's Alexis that helps him with his tie because his hands fumble too much, and it's her that reminds him to tuck his shirt in because he almost forgets, and it's her that points out the fact that he only has one sock on because he gets distracted by the news and the photo of Kate.

He can still see some form of betrayal in his daughter's eyes. Remembers when he'd arrived home two months ago to find her pacing the loft, throwing herself into his arms crying "Daddy!" and refusing to let go for a whole five minutes. Honestly, it'd been exactly what he needed. He'd just lost Kate; but he still had his daughter. Alexis was enough.

"Dad?"

He's pulled from his thoughts to find Alexis sitting across the couch from him as he pulls his shoes on.

"Yeah, pumpkin?"

Alexis bites her lips and looks away, playing with the ends of her red hair. Looking mature beyond her years. His baby is growing up. Everything is changing.

"How do you do it? How do you still love her despite what she's done?"

Usually Alexis speaks with anger bubbling over whenever Kate is brought into a topic of discussion. But in this moment, all he can hear is curiosity; Alexis has always believed the world to be purely black and white, but what he's actually revealing to her is that's not true- there's shades of grey, where things don't make sense. Kate had helped him colour in those dull colours to magnificent shades of reds and oranges that remind him of the autumn they loved each other in.

"I just do." Castle sighs, scooting closer to his daughter. "There's not an explanation for everything we do, Alexis. We're unpredictable and we're selfish and we're foolish. We're human. That's what makes us strong."

Alexis sniffs, turning her head into his shoulder. "I just don't wanna see you get hurt, dad." She whispers.

He sighs, curling his arms around his daughter. His anchor to reality. Presses a kiss atop her head.

"Life has a funny way of working itself out, eventually." He tells her softly. "Things will be okay. I promise. Everything always is in the end."

* * *

Kate's right. Both the media and the courts make her seem evil, sick, twisted. The note in his blazer pocket burns brightly against the accusations. He knows better.

_Katherine Houghton Beckett, former homicide detective, youngest woman to be made detective. Charges: 29 cases of murder, 3 of assault, 3 for illegal carrying of firearms and 2 of fraud._

Kate stands stock still through the whole thing, eyes closed, lips pressed together in a straight line. As though she's trying to hold herself together.

_The defendant has been diagnosed with sociopathy and clinical depression by a medical professional._

But she can _feel_. When she's with him, she can feel. He knows it. He knows this. He's seen the empathy she holds for him- only for him- in her eyes. She just has a hard time separating her need for revenge from morals.

_We find the defendant not guilty by reason of insanity._

They begin to lead her away, cuffs clinking together, back ramrod straight, long hair hanging limp in front of her eyes.

Before they lead her down the stairs, she pauses, eyes locking with his.

They sparkle. With retribution. With happiness. With love.

Her mouth opens but no words come out, not that he'd hear them from so far across the court room. They seem to be trapped there, her words, but that's okay. She's never been so open with them, after all. He understands everything that she needs to say. He can only hope that she knows all the words his heart is burning to say.

His hand curls around the crumpled note in his blazer pocket. Nods towards her with a smile.

Her lips quirk and then the officers grow impatient, pushing her down the stairs, away from him. Towards an indefinite future in which he hopes that she will get better. So that she can live the life that she always deserved, before all the bad things got in the way, before him. Even if that means living a life without him, and he without her. And that's okay. That's fine. They had their time- and it was beautiful, even amidst the disaster. But there's no promise that she'll ever get better, and he doesn't want to taint her with her past.

Some people are only given such a limited time in life, but they make what they can of it. And that they did. They went through a lot of things together, she changed him in ways he'd never think that she would, and he changed her for the better. Of course, it doesn't mean that it will be easy to wake up and know that miles upon miles away she's locked up, insane. It doesn't mean that it will be easy to never know how it feels to hold her in his arms again. It doesn't mean that it will be easy to move on and love another. It doesn't mean that it will be easy to walk into a coffee shop and not lose himself in a fantasy in which he finds her there, recovered and healed, nose buried in a Nikki heat book, ready for a new beginning.

But it's not impossible.

This is the last glimpse he ever has of her: Lips quirked into a half-smile, eyes sparkling with love, caramel hair falling in front of her face. Beautiful even in her madness.

The crowd begins to spill away at once, murmurs filling the once tense and silent room, and he feels his mother's comforting hand on his shoulder. She doesn't say a word. She doesn't judge him. She never has. For that, he is eternally grateful.

He pulls the crumpled note out of his pocket, uncurls the ball his fist has tightened it into and runs his thumb along the wrinkles. Reads the words that will forever be burned into his mind. Her words.

_Thank you for making me smile when I all I wanted to do was die, _it says in her looped handwriting, tear-stained.

_I still love you. I always will._

* * *

_To the extraordinary KB._

She delicately strokes the eight year old words with her forefinger, tears in her eyes. This is her favourite dedication. This is her favourite book.

She looks up from where she sits in the corner of the quaint coffee shop, sensing eyes on her. Then again, there are always eyes on her. Despite it being eight years since the trial and the fact that she's practically a whole new person now, people still recognise her. Still judge her. And she doesn't blame them. She judges herself every day.

She finally finds the eyes that have been staring at her.

They are so impossibly blue.

* * *

**The End.**


End file.
